M6I 


^ 


OF  CALIFORNIA 
'S  ANGELES 


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Rev.  TITUS  JOSLIN. 


CENTENNIAL  SKYROCKETS 


A  SERIES  OF 


FLIGHTS,    FAE"OIES    AISTD    FACTS, 


Rev.  TITUS  JOSLIN, 

FORMERLY   ASS.   PASTOR  ST.   STEPHEN'S,   ST.   PATRICK'S,  ST.   ANNE'S,  ST. 

COLUMHA'S,    ST.    JOHN   THE   EVANGELIST'S,    AND    ST.    MICHAEL'S, 

IN  THE  CITV  OF  NEW  YORK.       SUBSEQUENTLY  PASTOR  OF 

THE    CHURCH    OF    THE   IMMACULATE    CONCEPTION, 

MONTCLAIlj;     STUDENT    OF    MEDICINE 

UNIVERSITY  OF  THE  CITY  OF 

NEW  YORK,  1843,  1844. 


AUTHOR  OF  STAR  OF  BETHLEHEM,  LIFE  OF  THE  BLESSED  VIRGIN, 

LIFE  OP  ST.  FRANCIS,  THREE  KINGS  OF  COLOGNE,  MONTH 

OP   MARY,  VIRGIN  MOST  FAITHFUL,  ETC.,  ETC. 


Deus  meumque  jus. 
"  By  the  grace  of  God  I  have  a  horror  of  what  is  common  pZacc."— LaCOBDAIKE. 


SECOND    EDITION. 


ALBANY,  N.  T. : 

VAN  BENTHUTSEX  PRIXTIXG  HOUSE. 

1875, 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  eighteen  hundred  and  seventy-five,  hy 

TITUS  JOSLIN, 

In  the  office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington. 


GIG  b 
J  7/0 


SOLID  CONTENTS  OF  THIS  BOOK. 


PAGE. 

Explanation  of  the  Title 3 

Preface  to  a  former  work  unpublished 7 

^    Author's  Protest 8 

CO    Notice 9 

>-    By  0'  Graphy,  an  abstract  of  O'Grady's  "  Gradual " 10 

^    Preface  Proper 12 

^    Trip  to  Quebec 15 

"^     Joyce  and  Re-Joyce 17 

Counter  Irritation 19 

M     Ass.  Pastor 21 

if)     My  Patmos 22 

^    Emancipation  ;  or,  The  Black  and  White  Question {IZ  ' 

S    Telegraphic  Administration;  or,  How  they  do  Things  in  America,  27 

"  Ex  his  omnibus  eripuit  me  dominus  " 30 

.    "  In  OMNIBUS  caritas  " 32 

O    "  Fidem  servavi  " 33 

¥    Small  Craft  (a  Spurgeonism') 35 

O    Grace  (not  a  Tract  in  Theology) 30 

,  ,    Broiled  Lobster 39 

2    Stationery , 40 

J    By  Hook  or  by  Crook , 41 

**•    The  Parochial  House 42 

Church  Societies ....  48 

Fireworks 44 


1:30 


iv  Solid  Contents  of  this  Book. 

PAGE. 

Secret  Societies 45 

Tee  To  Tailors 47 

Ginger  Pop 49 

Legal  Cap 50 

The  Roaniing  Collar 52 

The  Mantle  of  Charity 53 

The  Seal  of  Confession 54 

Uses  of  a  Church 55 

A  Church  without  a  Friend 56 

Altar  Boys 56 

Advice 57 

Consistency 59 

Celibacy 61 

Monkshood 63 

Human  and  Inhuman 64 

Cain  and  Abel 64 

B.  Sebastian  of  Apparzio 65 

St.  Martin  of  Tours 66 

Amusement 68 

Stagnation 69 

Solomon,  Solomon 70 

Pertaining  to  the  Chinese 72 

"  Patsey  " 73 

Breaking  the  Tee 74 

Hart's  Island 74 

The  Irish  M.  P 75 

Dulcamara 76 

Champagne 77 

Mendicants 78 

Small  Profits 79 

Wait go 

Black  Mail 81 

The  Value  of  Money 82 

Education 83 

The  Jesuits 84 

The  Shakers 85 


Solid  Contents  of  this  Book.  v 

I'AGE. 

The  Ancient  Order 91 

The  Solemn  Book  Agent 92 

Geoi'ge  Washington  no  Chemist 94 

Mass  of  St.  Michael 95 

"  Vocheens." 96 

Sermons 97 

The  Work  of  Conversion 98 

The  "  Fine  Ale  " 99 

Appendix , 101 


ILLUSTRATIONS. 


Portrait  of  the  Author,  with  compliments. 

Urging  the  "  Snil  "  of  your  own  Work. 

Bear  and  Foi-bear. 

The  Black  and  Wliite  Question. 

Single  Blessedness. 

Coulne.ss  between  Friends. 

St.  Joseph. 

What  next  ? 


EXPLAl^ATION   OF   THE   TITLE. 


Firing  sky  rockets  is  an  amusement  to  which  the 
author  has  been  in  times  past  no  stranger,  as  well  as  the 
preparation  of  those  various  colored  fires  to  which 
barytes,  strontian,  camphor,  and  iron  filings  lend  their 
splendor.  The  sky  rocket,  like  the  prayer  of  a  just  man, 
'pierces  the  skies,  ^'-  coelos  penetrat.^^  The  descending  .§^2C'^ 
is  probably  the  most  dangerous  part  of  the  whole  pyro- 
technic performance.  It  niatj  chance  to  hurt  somebody. 
Believing  that  my  rockets  themselves  are,  for  the  most 
part,  of  a  brilliant  order,  calculated  both  to  amuse  and 
instruct,  I  have  avoided,  in  the  present  volume,  the  use 
of  any  of  the  heavier  sticks. 


PREFACE 

TO 

AUTOGRAPHS  AND  PHOTOGRAPHS."* 


By  Rev.  Titus  Joslin. 


"Father  eJosLix,"  so  well  known  to  the  Catholic 
public  of  the  city  of  New  York  during  a  period  of  ten 
or  twelve  years'  lal)or  among  them  ;  who  remember  that 
rich  and  poor  were  one  and  the  same  to  him,  for  he 
was  no  respecter  of  persons,  has  written  a  book  !  Said 
Thomas  Carlyle,  "  0  that  mine  enemy  would  write  a  hook!'''' 
Allow  me  to  introduce  you  to  this  book,  a  work  Avhich, 
in  the  opinion  of  man}'',  is  going  to  make  a  first-class 
sensation  ;  a  work  to  which  the  author  has  been  urged 
b}^  a  sense  of  justice  that  has  proved  at  last  to  be  irre- 
pressible. Do  you  form  a  part  of  the  circuit  that  is 
going  to  receive  the  shock  ?  Don't  be  afraid.  With 
the  help  of  God,  I  am  not  going  to  do  any  injury.     There 

*  My  origbial  work,  from  which  the  chapters  of  the  pi'esent  work 
are  culled. 


Preface  to  A  utogbaphs  and  Photographs.      5 

are  no  murderous  designs.  From  some  correspondence 
Miiich  li:is  reached  me  you  would  think  that  I  had  taken 
in  hand  to  make  some  'Unrful  disclosures,''^ — that  Maria 
Monk,  or  ]\Iaria  Nun,  or  whatever  her  name  was,  was 
going-  to  be  eclipsed.  I  am  neither  a  Monk  nor  a  Nun. 
I  have  no  disclosures  to  make  about  thino-s  I  know 
nothing  al)out.  I  have  always  minded  my  own  busi- 
ness, and  intend  to  keep  closely  to  it,  so  as  not  to  come 
under  the  anathema  of  the  a[)ostle  who  said  ^^  qam  igno- 
rant bhsjjheuiioiL^^  As  an  ancient  philosopher  remarked 
about  those  who  made  a  study  of  the  stars,  "  The  things 
that  are  above  us  are  jiothlng  to  us."  Quce  supra  nos 
sunt  niJiil  ad  nos.  It  is  no  small  consolation  to  me  that 
most  of  my  difficulties  in  this  world  have  arisen  from 
attending  strictly  to  my  own  business,  and  leaving  other 
people  to  mind  theirs.  It  has  been  regarded  as  a  kind 
of  contempt  of  court,  and  I  have  been  made  to  pay  the 
penalty.  I  was  never  fond  of  going  around  to  see  sights, 
nor  of  toadying  to  mere  efl'ect.  '■'■  Rationabile  obsequium 
vestrumy  In  a  Avord,  come  what  might,  I  minded  my 
own  business  and  the  sphere  in  which  God  had  placed 
me.  And  for  this  I  had  high  authority  :  the  siuiie  who, 
in  1845,  made  me  a  Christian,  and  in  1852,  made  me  a 
priest.  "I  wish  you,"  said  Archbishop  Hughes,  Avhen 
once  sending  me  on  a  mission  of  confidence,  "  to  attend 
strictly  to  your  own  business."  I  found  him  once  suf- 
fering from  a  sprained  ankle,  his  foot  on  a  chair.  "This 
comes,"  said  he,  "  in  consequence  of  making  one  wrong 
step."  Be  sure,  dear  reader,  I  shall  try  never  to  make 
any  wrong  steps.     Better  make  no  step.     I  hope  that  by 


6  Centesnial  Skyrockets. 

this  time  I  have  dissipated  the  fears  of  those  who  tliougld 
that  I  was  going  to  say  what  I  had  not  ought.  What- 
ever tale  I  unfold,  I  shall  look  out  that  no  print  of  the 
cloven  hoof  marks  my  footsteps.  There  shall  not  be  at 
the  end  '■'■the  devil  tojwy,^^  for  his  charges  are  too  exor- 
l)itant,  and  I  could  not  afford  it.  ^^Verbum  sap."  A 
word  to  the  wise  is  sufficient,  and  here  I  have  thrown 
out  hints  like  the  scintillations  from  a  blacksmith's  forge. 
No  allusion  here  to  the  infernal  blacksmith.  I  am  a 
tvhite  smith.  The  public  will  not  be  disappointed  in  me, 
to  whom  they  have  so  long  given  their  confidence,  and 
from  whom  I  am  continually  receiving  new  assurances 
of  it.  For  this  present  work  I  anticipate  a  generous  re- 
ception ;  and  while  this  generous  reception  is  being 
accorded  to  it,  a  supplementary  volume  is  in  course  of 
preparation,  Avhich  will  throw  the  present  one  altogetljer 
in  the  shade.  Furnish  me  liberally  with  the  ^^  sinews  of 
loar"  and  you  will  see  that  I  know  how  to  fight,  and 
am  not  unskilled  in  •'  tbe  n()l)le  art  of  self-defence."  But 
after  all  is  over,  let  me  be  able  to  say,  '■'■  Boyium  certa- 
men  certavi  jidem  servavi :'' — never,  I  trust,  such  an  ejDi- 
taph  as  that  of  that  Chinaman,  whose  simple  inscription 
was  his  own  name,  "  Ah  Hung."  You  see  that  my 
book  is  not  going  to  let  you  go  to  sleep.  The  spice 
of  variety  will  be  sprinkled  over  every  page,  for  mere 
facts  are  stubborn  things.  With  all  seriousness,  in  the 
subject-matter  of  mj'^  narrative  I  am  to  appear  in  a  ncAV 
role.  Talents  lie  hid  for  long  years,  till  occasion  draws 
them  out,  and  you  have  a  new  mine  to  work.  Corne- 
lius, a  Lapide,  was  a  dull  student.     He  fell  on  the  pave- 


Preface  to  Autographs  and  Photographs.     7 

meat — "hurt  bis  heucl" — und  arose  forthwith  a  bright 
boy,  a  great  commentator.*  The  author  of  "  Knicker- 
bocker's Historj^  of  New  York"  did  not  discover  the  vein 
of  humor  that  lay  buried  in  him  till  he  began  to  work  it. 
Thomas  Hood  alone  dechired  that  it  was  in  him  from 
his  '■'■  cldld-liood.''''  I  have  aimed  to  ijroduce  a  work 
spicy  and  pointed,  and  at  the  same  time  instructing  and 
edifying,  a  truthful  <*ind  useful  book  that  I  can  never 
regret.  It  is  evident  that  such  a  book  must  be  sid  gen- 
eris ;  that  is  to  say,  the  author  will  be  found  strictly 
himself  and  nobody  else.  The  axles  on  which  the  narra- 
tive turns  must  be  so  thoi'oughly  lul)ricated  that  no  "  Hul> 
Bub"  will  arise.  "In  omnibus  charit^is  ;"  and  where,  I 
ask,  is  it  more  required  ? 

*  The  great  commentator  will  pardon  any  seeming  irreverence, 
which  is  not  intentional.     The  fact  is  authentic. 


ATJTHOE'S  PROTEST. 


If,  by  the  injiiclicious  use  of  language,  words  have  es- 
caped my  pen  which,  in  ecclesiastical  technicality,  can 
be  construed  as  "  offensive  to  pjoiis  ears,"  or  if  I  have 
chanced  to  speak  in  a  seemingly  disrespectful  way  of 
those  who,  notwithstanding  their  birth  and  education, 
have  been  raised  to  the  ei)iscopal  dignity,  I  hereljy  wish 
to  be  first  and  foremost  to  condemn  and  censure  an}^  such 
possible  expressions  as  foreign  to  my  own  intentions  and 
interior  dispositions.  I  occupy  at  present  a  position  for 
which  I  am  not  responsible,  and  which  leaves  me  at  lib- 
erty to  express  my  private  convictions  on  a  variety  of 
sulvjects,  both  in  this  and  the  succeeding  volume. 


Urging  the  Sail  of  Your  Own  Work. 


l^OTIOE. 


The  accompiinyiiig  "title  paae  "'  and  " preface  "  were 
issued  three  or  lour  months  ago,  aiinouncing  my  new 
work  nearly  completed,  entitled  "Autographs  and 
Photographs,"  meaning  thereliy  sketches  of  myseU'  and 
some  of  my  contemporaries,  all  being  handled  indiscrim- 
inately without  gloves.  The  publication  of  the  entire 
work  has  met  with  so  many  unforeseen  delays  and  ob- 
stacles, that  I  have  concluded  that  its  circulation  will  re- 
ceive no  inconsiderable  impulse  (like  a  train  pi'opelled 
by  two  locomotives,  one  pulling  and  one  pushing)  by 
pntting  forth  a  small  collection  of  specimen  installments 
of  some  of  the  most  disconnected  chapters,  which  never- 
theless give  you  a  glimpse  of  the  character  of  the  Avork, 
leaving  out  the  portion  which  has  most  offended  my  own 
sense  of  delicacy  to  put  before  the  public — that  poi'tion 
of  which  it  can  most  truly  be  said,  "  Quorum  magna 
pa7's  fuV' 

Nevertheless,  in  due  time  j^ou  shall  have  all.  For  the 
present,  accept  with  my  compliments  these  first  install- 
ments. I  trust  that  no  one,  at  the  end  of  its  perusal,  will 
wish  that  I  was  ^'Farther  Josliny 


BY  O^  GRAPHT. 


No  "  cursing"  intended.  Erin  go  hragh.  Let's  have 
the  Irish  chapter  first — at  least  the  chapter  with  an  Irish 
caption.  Let  us  hegin  with  ourselves.  So  here  goes  a 
letter  of  introduction,  that  you  may  know  Avho  you  are 
talking  to,  or  at  lea^t  who  is  talking  to  you. 

The  author  of  these  unprecedented  pages  was  born  in 
Union  College,  Schenectady,  N.  Y.,  on  the  9th  of  Octo- 
ber, 1827,  the  feast  of  St.  Dennis,  better  known  to  some 
as  St.  Paul's  convert  Dionysius  the  Areopagite.  Parents 
having  removed  to  New  York,  he  (the  author,  not  St. 
Dennis)  entered  on  the  study  of  medicine  at  an  unusually 
early  age,  and  wjis  duly  enrolled  on  the  medical  cata- 
logue of  the  university  for  the  classes  of  1843  and  1844, 
under  such  preceptors  as  Drs.  Valentine  Mott,  Gran- 
ville Sharpe  Pattisson,  IVIartyn  Paine  and  John  W. 
Draper,  to  which  last  he  had  the  honor  of  being  chemical 
assistant.  About  this  time  began  to  feel  draAvn  towards 
the  Roman  Catholic  Church,  and  was  baptized  by  Arch- 
bishop Hughes,  June  IGth,  1845.  Entered  St.  Joseph's 
Theologiail  Seminary  at  Fordham,  in  1847,  and  was  or- 


Br  0'  Graphy.  11 

dainetl  priest  March  13th,  1852,  by  Archbishop  Huohes. 
Served  in  the  city  of  New  York,  under  Archbishop 
Hughes,  in  various  exceedingly  difficult  positions  of  re- 
sponsibility and  trust,  until  the  fall  of  1863  or  beginning 
of  1864,  when,  at  the  invitation  of  Bishop  Bayley,  now 
Archbishop  of  Baltimore,  accepted  the  charge  of  Mont- 
clair  and  adjoining  townships  until  the  removal  of  that 
prelate  to  Baltimore,  shortly  after  which  walked  quietly 
back  to  New  York  after  the  manner  that  has  been  hinted 
at  in  one  of  the  chapters.  A  period  of  leisure  after 
twenty-three  years  of  almost  uninterrupted  labor  in  the 
Catholic  j)riesthood  has  given  hnn  opportunity  to  put  to- 
gether the  present  work,  A\hich  is  only  the  precursor  of 
more  heavy  artillery,  should  it  receive,  as  the  author  is 
convinced  that  it  will,  a  geuerous  reception  from  a  lib- 
eral public 


PEEFAOE*. 


A  GIANT  has  slept  within  me  for  years.  He  is  just 
waking  up.  In  this  present  vohnne,  yon  may  consider 
him  as  just  waking  up,  stretching  himself,  and  yawning. 
He  is  not  wide  awake  yet.  After  this  trial  trip  he  will 
be  wide  awake.  He  is  just  fc(;)ing  his  waj',  and  rousing 
himself  from  the  letharoy  in  which  he  has  been  sunk,  and 
the  fetters  wherewith  he  was  l)ound.  You  feel  inchned, 
perhaps,  to  jostle  him  into  life,  so  that  you  may  know  at 
once  all  the  fire  that  is  in  him.  Let  him  take  his  time. 
He  will  be  fierce  enough.  Let  him  open  his  eyes  and 
look  around,  before  he  plunges  into  the  thick  of  the  fight. 
Bear  an(J  forbear  has  been  counseled  to  him  for  a  long 
time,  but  he  is  getting  tired  of  the  whole  bear  business. 
Still,  he  does  not  want  to  undertake,  all  of  a  sudden, 
more  fights  than  he  can  do  justice  to.  He  prefers  to 
go-at  the  thing  delil)erately.  Look  before  you  leap,  has 
always  been  regarded  as  a  wise  maxim.  The  leap  year 
has  not  arrived.  This  is  the  looking  year.  There  is  a 
wide  sea  before  me.    The  boy  who  told  the  schoolmaster 

*  Written  for  the  original  work,  entitled  "  Autographs  and  Photo- 
graphs." 


Bear  ^d  Forbe.i 


Preface.  13 

that  he  wanted  to  learn  navigation  that  afternoon,  be- 
cause he  was  going  to  sea  in  the  morning,  only  aston- 
ished the  pedagogue  ont  of  his  wits.  I  must  learn  to 
row  before  I  go  in  for  a  "  ro^6\"  I  must  try  my  strength 
in  light  armor  before  I  put  on  heavy  armor.  I  must 
encounter  the  wolf  before  I  join  in  mortal  combat  with 
Goliath.  How  well  or  how  ill  I  have  selected  the  title 
of  this  book,  the  reader  will  pass  his  own  judgment.  It 
might  have  been  called  a  quasi  autobiography,  succeeded 
-l>y  brief  essays  on  Catholic  subjects.  It  is  an  account,  as 
Avell  as  I  am  able  to  give  it,  of  my  own  conversion  to  the 
Catholic  church,  having  not  }'et  reached  the  years  of 
manhood.  The  Catholic  church  captivated  me,  and  I 
suffered  myself  to  be  led  cjiptive.  So  far  as  the  Catholic 
religion  proper  is  concerned,  I  found  her  a  good  mother. 
Priests  have  always  had  my  confidence  in  the  sacrament 
of  penance.  My  own  confidence  in  them  there,  could 
just  as  well  be  expressed  in  the  words  of  St.  Francis  of 
Assissium.  In  his  last  will  and  testament  he  expresses 
himself  as  I  hope  to  be  able  in  extremis:  "Our  Lord 
gave  me,  and  he  still  gives  m/i,  so  much  faith  in  priests, 
who  live  according  to  the  forms  of  the  holy  Roman 
church,  because  of  their  character,  that  if  they  2cere  to 
persecute  me,  it  wonld  be  still  to  them  that  I  shonld  have 
recourse.  I  mean  to  fear  them,  to  love  them,  and  to 
honor  them.  What  induces  me  to  do  this  is,  that  I  see 
nothing  in  this  world  so  discerning  of  this  same  Son  of 
God,  the  Most  High,  as  His  very  sacred  bod}^  and  His 
most  holy  blood,  which  they  receive,  and  which  they 
alone  administer  to  others."     St.  Francis  alone  does  the 


14  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

church  pubhcly  acknowledge  us  her  refoiiner  m  any 
sense  that  she  tolerates  the  use  of  that  word  At  the 
Pope's  coronation,  if  Rev.  Pamfilo  da  Maiiliano  informed 
me  arjolit,  three  collects  or  prayers  are  sung  :  one  to  the 
Holy  Ghost,  that  he  will  enligJiten  the  church  ;  one  to 
the  Blessed  Virgin,  that  she  will  ^9ro/ec<;  it ;  a  third  to  St. 
Francis,  "-tJutt  he  -will  continue  the  work  of  refoi-mation 
that  he  hegany  St.  Francis  alone  knows  how  to  reform 
relaxed  morals  and  discipline  witliont  deformins'  the 
church.  St.  Francis  it  was  who  said  that  the  Catholic 
religion  itself  is  ''only  a  litth  lesson  of  lovp,''^  and  that 
politeness  was  the  sister  of  charity.  St.  Francis,  the 
Seraph  of  Assissium,  it  was  Avhose  short  but  sweet  Christ- 
mas sermon,  "■  LH  us  love  the  little  one  of  Bethlehem,''' 
moved  the  hearts  of  all  who  listened  to  him. 


TRIP  TO  QUEBEC  IN  1852. 


In  the  full  of  1852,  in  coinpaii}-  with  my  hrotlier,  I 
took  a  trip  to  Montreal  and  Qiicljec.  Father  OH vetti,  in 
Whitehall,  took  a  oreat  interest  in  my  brother.  Just 
before  the  train  started,  he  slapped  him  on  the  back,  say- 
ing :  "  My  dear,  never  you  be  such  a  fool  as  to  die  a 
Protestant."  He  was  a  man  of  great  zeal  and  charity. 
I  used  to  hear  iiim  preach  in  New  York  in  ve:y  broken 
English  ;  but  his  zeal  made  up  for  all,  and  the  people 
all  listened  in  rapt  attention.  The  Vicar-General  of  Que- 
bec would  not  open  my  "  papers  "  to  look  at  them  ;  told 
me  to  say  mass  in  any  church  in  the  city.  The  next 
da}',  which  was  Sunday,  a  seminarian  was  dispatched  to 
my  hotel  with  an  invitation  for  me  to  preach  in  St.  Pat- 
rick's church.  This  Avas  only  one  hour  befoi'e  mass  time. 
]\Iy  brother  was  present  at  the  nuiss.  He  came  near  be- 
ing mobbed  for  not  kneeling  at  the  elevation.  They 
mistook  him  for  an  "  Orangeman."  I  have  often  seen 
him  eat  oranges,  but  we,  neither  of  us,  ever  sold  them. 
Thei-e  are  some  bad  Orangemen  in  New  Jersey.  I  have 
suffered  a  great  deal  from  the  Orangemen  in  Jersey. 
There  was  a  whole  town  full  of  them  about  three  miles 


16  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

fi'om  Moutclair.  They  harassed  me  so  much  that  I  de- 
termined to  get  out  of  it ;  aud  when  I  determine  to  do 
something,  the  doing  does  not  follow  long  after.  Well, 
I  mn  out  of  it.* 

One  of  the  nicest  men  I  knew  in  Orange  was  Mr. 
Waddle,  the  colored  barber.  He  was  formerly  a  member 
of  the  choir  in  the  Catholic  church  in  Charleston,  S.  C. 
Some  of  his  friends,  like  George  Harris,  were  splendid 
minstrels,  great  performers  on  the  banjo,  Mr.  Harris 
and  company  came  over  to  give  a  performance  in  my 
"  St.  Michael's  Hall."  They  were  far  superior  to  any  of 
the  fraternity  who  sing  in  corJc,  ahead  of  all  the  corJconi- 
ans  put  together,  and  gave  us  a  good  laugh  with  frequent 
repetitions.  I  have  great  faith  in  a  good  laugh,  when 
there  is  a  good  conscience  under  it.  It  wants  that  to 
stand  on.  It  is  not  a  ffood  laugh  without  that ;  there  is 
something  hollow  about  it.  It  wants  the  right  ^^nng,-' 
like  the  man  who  came  to  get  married,  and  had  only  a 
key  in  his  pocket  when  the  priest  asked  him  to  hand  out 
his  ring.  Mr.  Waddle  knows  how  to  shave  in  a  way 
that  is  not  barbarous,  and  Mr.  Harris  knows  how  to  play 
the  banjo. 

Where  have  I  wandered  ?  Way  off  to  Mr.  Waddle's 
barber  shop,  and  I  ought  to  be  in  Quebec. 

*  "  We  are  promised  a  new  sensation  in  the  North  river  tunnel, 
which  will  agreeably  divert  our  minds  from  the  consideration  of 
when  the  East  river  bridge  will  be  completed.  Perhaps  the  most 
serious  pbjection  to  the  tunnel  project  is  found  in  the  fact  that  it  will 
render  access  to  New  York  more  easy  for  Jerseymen.  On  the  ferry- 
boat system  it  was  possible  now  and  then  during  the  winter  to  put 
the  bars  up." — Evening  Mail. 


Joyce  and  Re- Joyce.  17 

Well,  my  brother  was  no  Orangeman,  and  they  ought 
to  have  let  him  alone.  I  heard  of  the  affair  next  day  at 
the  arehbishop's  table.  The  good  old  archbishop  treated 
me  as  good  boys  are  accustomed  to  be  served.  I  sat  be- 
side him  at  the  table,  and  he  helped  me  to  some  of  his 
own  sweetmeats  out  of  a  little  jar  that  stood  before  hhn, 
just  as  ujy  father  used  to  have  his  own  sugar-l^owl,  for 
he  was  "  death  on  sugar," 

My  father  always  aHowed  his  patients  to  eat  anything 
that  agreed  with  himself.  They  might  have  sugar  or 
milk  to  their  hearts'  content.  We  are  very  apt  to  judge 
others  by  ourselves.  The  archbishop  of  Quel)ec  treated 
me  to  some  of  his  own  good  things.  Ho  said  that  Arch- 
bishop Hughes  did  not  come  to  see  him,  but  I  did.  Per- 
haps, if  he  had  gone,  he  would  have  had  some  sweetmeats 
too.  That  dear  old  archbishop  has  gone  to  a  better 
world  ;  may  he  rest  in  peace. 

Joyce  and  Re-Joyce. 

An  episode  of  St.  John  the  Evangelist's,  New  York. 

Archbishop  Hughes  sent  me  to  the  Church  of  St.  Co- 
lumba,  in  West  Twenty-fifth  street.  New  York,  Novem- 
ber 1st,  1853,  presided  over,  as  it  is  to  this  day,  l)y  the 
venerable  Rev.  Michael  McAleer.  On  the  16tli  of  April, 
1859,  I  was  appointed  to  St.  John  the  Evangelist's,  in 
Fiftieth  street,  np  near  where  Mr.  Joyce  is  making  a 
s/iorf.  jol)  of  the  new  cathedral.  The  Catholics  of  New 
York  Avill  "  re-Joyce  "  with  him  when  it  is  done.  Some 
of  the  faithful  got  it  around  that  Joyce  and  I  were  cous- 
2 


18  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

ins  on  account  of  a  supposed  similarity  of  names,  suppos- 
ing that  I  was  a  J oy celin,  which,  according  to  etymolo- 
gical construction,  would  be  a  little  Joyce. 

I  '' re-jo7/ce"  that  this  is  altogether  a  mistake;  not 
"  Jocelyn's  mistake,"*  but  a  mistake  in  the  conmion 
sense  of  the  Farleys,  Fallihees,  Donahues,  et  id  onine 
genus,  who  cluster  around  Fiftieth  street.  Terence  and 
Patrick  are  both  nice  men.  Two  years  at  St.  John  the 
Evangelist's  convinced  me  that,  come  what  might,  I 
would  not  put  in  for  a  i/nrd  term.  Taking  this  for 
granted,  I  set  my  wits  to  work  to  devise  ways  and  meiuis 
of  clearing  that  port,  and  outgeneraling  McMahon.  There 
must  be  a  coup  d'etat.  But  how  would  I  accomplibh  it  ? 
The  blessed  Virgin,  help  of  Christians,  did  not  fail  me. 
On  the  morning  of  the  27th  of  June,  1861,  I  celebrated 
the  votive  mass  of  the  Immaculate  Conception,  that  our 
Blessed  Lady  would  come  to  my  assistance,  and  see  mc 
out  of  it ;  and  so  she  did,  for  she  was  never  invoked  in 
vain. 

There  came  a  sick  call,  after  breakfast,  from  Thirty- 
fifth  street,  near  the  arsenal.  Having  anointed  the  pa- 
tient, I  descended  the  rickety  staircase  to  return  ;  my 
heel  slipped,  my  left  knee-cap  parted  in  sunder  with  the 
report  of  a  pistol.  I  was  conveyed  to  the  residence  of 
mv  friend,  Mr.  James  Connolly,  opposite  the  arsenal ; 
but  I  never  returned  to  St.  John  the  Evangelist's.  My 
successor,  Eev.  J.  McEvoy,  used  to  be  congratulated  that 

*  The  latest  novel  out  —  "Jocelyn's  Mistake,"  by  Mrs.  J.  K. 
Spender. 


'^  Counter"  iRRiTATiOJs:  It) 

he  got  out  of  it  luilhout  breaking  any  bones.     Let  us  all 
"i?e- Joyce." 

After  ro<3()venng  from  the  accicleut,  which  was  the 
work  of  two  or  three  months,  I  was  subjected  for  another 
couple  of  jeui's  to  a  species  of  counter  irritation,  which 
Avill  he  described  in  a  separate  chapter.  ^^  Lord  and 
Taijlor! "  what  a  row  was  there !  After  which,  I  pre- 
ferred for  a  while  reigning  in  New  Jersey  to  serving  in 
New  York  ;  *  came  to  the  conclusion  that  I  had  been 
"Ass.  Paslor"  lonji:  enouoh  havino-  Ixnne  "the  burden 
of  the  day  and  the  heats"  for  a  period  of  nearly  twelve 
}'ears  How,  after  ten  or  eleven  years  more  of  precari- 
ous subsistence,  I  got  out  of  Jersey  and  made  my  happy 
escape  back  to  New  York,  will  be  found  in  the  chapter 
entitled  "  Emancipation ;  or,  the  black  and  white  ques- 
tion." 

"Counter"  Irritation. 

The  last  church  in  New  York  that  Providence  permit- 
ted me  to  have  any  remote  connection  with,  subjected 
me  to  a  great  deal  of  •'  counter  irritation^^  for  a  space  of 
two  years.  True,  I  was  only  the  Ass.  Pastor ;  but  this 
made  my  position  all  the  more  helpless,  and,  without 
redress,  Avas  left  with  no  alternative  but  either  to  resist 
authority,  or  to  sacrilice  my  own  self-respect.  I  escaped 
at  last  by  a  coup  d^etat,  and  the  help  of  a  carman,  on  the 


*  "I  3'eturn  to  the  Atlantic  States,"  says  Artemus  Ward,  "after 
an  absence  of  ten  months,  and  what  state  do  I  find  the  country  in  ? 
Why,  I  don't  know  wTiat  state  I  find  it  in.  Suffice  it  to  say,  that  I  do 
not  find  it  in  the  State  of  New  Jei-sey." 


20  CeiXteiX.xial  Skyrockets. 

12th  day  of  SoptemlxM,  1863.  It  was  the  month  of 
St.  Mii.-hael,  and  St.  ]Michael  the  Archangel  helped  me 
to  steal  a  march  on  my  persecutors.  He  has,  I  believe, 
always  helped  me  since  I  have  been  a  priest,  and  conthi- 
ues  to  help  me,  and  maii}^  pray  for  me  that  he  will  help 
me  more  and  more,  and  bring  me  ofl"  tir.'it-best.  He  is 
the  arm  of  God  :  and  God  shows  might  in  his  arm  when 
he  helps  us  through  St.  Michael,  and  scatters  the  proud 
in  the  conceit  of  their  heart.  Pride  is  always  conceited, 
'•  Counter  irritation"'  is  difficult  to  tolerate  when  you  get 
an  overdose  of  it,  Eigliteen  months  had  passed,  there 
was  no  prosi)ect  of  redress,  and  matters  were  getting 
worse.  I  wrote  to  Rev.  Dr.  ^NIcQ.,  an  old  and  much 
esteemed  fiiend,  then  living  over  in  Jersey,  what  course 
he  thought  that  I  had  better  uuisue.  He  replied 
that  "  we  nnist  bear  and  forbear.-^  I  wi'ote  back  to 
him  that  bear  was  getting  the  best  of  it,  and  would 
have  to  l)e  made  let  go  his  hng, — too  much  counter  irri- 
tation. Bear  had  practiced  at  Lord  &  Taylor's.  But  it 
would  not  do  for  me.  I  studied  medicine,  and  kncAV 
just  how  much  of  it  v  uld  answer,  and  just  where  "bear 
and  for])ear "  ceased  to  be  a  viitue.  Good  Bishop 
Hughes  had  himself  been  subjected  to  a  good  deal  of 
counter  irritati(^n,  subsequent  to  the  great  draft  riots, 
and  was  getting  rather  cross  and  irritable  under  a  suc- 
cession of  intirmities,  along  with  old  age  into  the  l)argain. 
The  "rings"  had  coalesced  into  a  kir.d  of  chain  around 
him.  But  St,  Michael  and  St.  John  the  Evangelist,  to 
whom  he  was  much  devoted,  helped  me  and  helped  him, 
and,  as  on    other   occasions,  seemuigly  vanquished,  ■    I 


''Ass.  Pastol':'  21 

cnrae  off,  in  point  of  reality,  jf;'.v^  bed, — another  step  in 
the  direction  of  independence.  Who  is  hke  God  ?  Or 
M'ho  is  hke  St.  Michael,  to  do  the  l)attles  of  God?  It 
was  a  little  remarkable  that  St.  Michael  himself  would 
have  to  assist  me  to  escape  from  a  parish  raised  under 
his  own  invocation.  But  no  bones  were  broken.  Well 
convinced  that  any  further  use  of  the  prescription  of  Dr. 
McQuaid  to  "))ear  and  forbear"  was  coim(e)'  indicated,  I 
witiidrew  myself  and  m^^  forces  in  good  order  to  the 
residence  of  Dr.  B.  F.  Bowers,  22  Ejist  Twentieth  street, 
Sept.  12,  1863. 

"  Ass.  Pastor." 

A  man  came  on  a  sick  call.  Psistor  was  up  stairs  on 
jDarlor  floor,  and  saw  tlie  man.  I  was  down  stairs  in  the 
chapel,  for  we  had  there  a  house  chapet.  Pastor  told 
the  man  he  could  not  well  go  with  him  (it  was  a  hot  day 
in  sununer),  but  that  his  "■  asKisfant,"  who  was  down 
stairs,  would  accompany  him.  Poor  man  could  not  con- 
tain his  indignation.  "If  you  were  two  hod  carriers,'^ 
said  he,  "you  might  talk  about  your  assidanV^  Sol 
trudged  up  the  Iliird  avenue  with  him  in  the  broiling- 
sun,  to  see  his  sick  wife.  This  Avas  in  1859  or  1860. 
According  to  this  poor  man's  Catholic  sentiment,  if  we 
had  belonged  to  the  independent  order  of  Jiod  feUoivs, 
one  could  with  more  propriety  have  spoken  of  the  other 
as  his  "  Jissistant."  You  Avill  perceive  by  the  title  page 
that  I  have  been  Ass.  Pastor  to  six  different  churches,  and 
have  consequently  borne  the  "  burden  of  the  day  and,  the 
heats."     To  be  Ass.  Pastor  is  no  "sine-cure."     It  means 


22  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

generally  to  do  the  lion's  share  of  the  real  work  of  the 
l^arish.  Perhaps  it  would  be  diffieult  to  find  a  more  ex- 
pressive title.  So  it  will  have  to  stand,  though  it  does 
both  look  and  sound  very  strangel}^  as  an  abbreviation. 
Archbishop  Hughes  told  nie  for  my  consolation  once 
that  he  had  been  the  greater  part  of  his  priestly  life  an 
Ass.  Pastor.  I  hope  I  will  have  done  no  mischief  by  in- 
troducing an  abbreviation. 

My  "Patmos." 

February  1st,  18 64,  I  consented  to  take  charge  of  the 
three  townships  of  Bloomiield,  Caldwell  and  Montclair, 
offered  to  me  by  Bishop  BayUy.  Headquarters  were  at 
Montclair,  Avhich  had  just  then  received  its  name,  and 
was  a  miseral)le  place  enough.  But  by  dint  of  eleven 
years  of  patient  up-hill  work,  1  gained  ground  with  those 
hurd-fisted  people,  and  made  of  that  benighted  region 
the  flourishing  Catholic  parish  that  it  now  is,  with  a 
church  property  Avorth  forty  thousand  dollars,  Avhereas  I 
found  one  not  worth  six  thousand.  But  after  all  I  had 
no  business  in  Jersey.  It  was  a  place  of  exile.  Mont- 
clair was  my  ''Patmos,'^  as  Bishop  Bayley  called  it. 
"  How,"  said  he,  when  I  met  him  one  day,  "  are  you 
settins:  along'  in  vour  Patmos  out  there  ?  "  It  was  in- 
deed  "Patmos,"  or  Pat,  anything  else  you  choose  to 
call  it.  But  just  as  I  had  conquered  the  contending  fac- 
tious, and  become  in  good  earnest  "  master  of  the  posi- 
tion," Bishop  Bayley  was  dispatched  to  Baltimore  ;  there 
came  a  "new  appointee,  who  knew  not  Joseph,"  and 
Dutch  was  not  long  in  ruling  the  day.     To  shake  the 


The  Black  and  White  Question. 


Ema  xcipa  no  n.  23 

dust  of  Jersey  from  off  my  feet  was  not  the  work  of  three- 
quarters  of  au  hour,  and  leave  behind  me  the  fruhs  of  a 
patient  endurance  of  nearly  eleven  years.  Good-bye, 
Patmos.  More  "Powers"  to  ye,  as  I  said  to  Eichard 
the  nii>ht  lie  got  married.  I  am  a  New  Yorker,  and  Avas 
never  made  nor  intended  for  a  Jerseyman. 

Emancipation  ; 

Or,  how  I  got  out  of  Jersey. 

Blessed  Peter  Chiver,  the  Apostle  of  the  Negroes*  has, 
it  seems  to  me,  done  me  more  than  one  good  turn.  Did 
he  help  me  get  out  of  Jersey  ?  This  was  accomplished, 
without  breaking  any  bones,  by  a  coup  dJetai, — a  species 
of  strategy,  which  has  often  served  me  to  steal  a  march 
on  the  devil  ;  that  most  artful  dodger.  In  a  word,  I 
took  "  Spanisli  leave,"  without  so  nuich  as  saying  "by 
vour  leave,"  wdien  I  was  going  to  leave.  That  last  exer- 
cise  in  strategic  gj-mnastics  was  the  safety  valve  of  pent- 
up  indignation.  It  prevented  what  might  have  been  a 
disastrous  explosion.  I  had  been  doing  for  a  good  Avhile 
what  they  sometimes  do  on  the  Mississippi  steamers,  sit- 
ting on  ilie  safety  valve ;  consequently,  taking  into  ac- 
count my  naturally  lestless  disposition,  living  over  a 
volcano.  So  I  took  "Spanish  leave,"  or  "French  leave," 
if  that  suits  you  better.     My  departure  from  the  scene 

*  Having  sent  a  copy  of  his  carte  visite  to  Dr.  B.  F.  Bowers,  bearing 
the  inscription  Apostle  of  t?ie  Negroes,  the  next  time  I  met  Dr.  Bow- 
ers he  asked  me,  ^n  his  quaint,  mischievous  way,  "  if  I  took  him  for 
a  negro."     He  used  the  last  word  in  form  of  an  abbreviation. 


24  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

of  so  many  ycais  of  assiduous  lal)or  was,  to  me  and  to 
averybody,  as  unexpected  as  it  was  sudden.  Do  not 
imagine  that  it  was  indelil)erate.  /Sudden  and  deliberate 
are  by  no  means  incompatible.  God  and  St.  Michael 
were  with  me.  I  was  always  cool  in  a  crisis.  On  the 
eventful  nig-ht  in  question  no  cucumber  could  surpiisi 
me  in  that  species  o^  sang  f void  which  is  commonly  des- 
ignated presence  of  mind.  It  Avas  a  great  leap,  and  there 
was  not  much  ch;uice  for  a  long  look.  How  little  did 
I  think,  Avhen  I  was  celebrating  the  Holy  Sacrifice  in 
honor  of  St.  INIichael  the  Archangel,  at  the  High  Altar 
in  my  own  church,  Saturday  morning,  September  5, 
1874,  that  that  night  I  would  sleep  in  the  Astor  House, 
a  homeless  wanderer,  launched  on  the  Avorld  at  half  an 
hour's  notice.     "  Sufficit  diet  maW.ia  e/i6S."* 

At  half  past  seven  or  so,  p.  m.,  Saturday  ev^ening,  Sept. 
5th,  the  house  bell  rang, — the  signal  to  call  me  out  of  the 
church  to  see  what  was  wanted  in  the  parochial  house. 
I  was  met  at  the  door  by  the  inevitable  Grace,  who 
seemed  terribly  agitated,  and  informed  me  that  a  specta- 
cled young  maw,  with  a  carpet  hag,  had  just  come  up 
from  the  train  and  asked  for  me.  Why  did  she  lay  so 
much  stress  on  the  carpet  bagli  Was  it  a  burglar  in 
disguise,  and  did  that  carpet  bag  contain  his  tools  ? 
Grace  was  sometimes  over-suspicious,  and  I  did  not  mind 

*  "Sufficient  for  the  day  is  the  Qvil  thereof." 

t  "  Seen  a  man  go  by  here  with  a  bag  1 "  was  the  anxious  query 
of  a  boy  in  search  of  a  fiiend  yesterday  as  the  stream  of  luggage- 
laden  passengers  for  the  afternoon  trains  poured  into  the  Cortland 
street  ferry  house." — JSf.  Y.  Tribune,  Aug.  4th. 


Em  A  yciPA  TioN.  25 

her  agitation.  It  was  not  the  first  tempest  in  a  teapot. 
But  young  man  himself  seemed  a  good  deal  agitated, 
seemed  to  want  air,  asked  me  to  open  the  window,  and, 
as  soon  as  he  got  breath,  took  from  his  breast  coat  pocket 
an  "  E.  Pistol  "  *  (don't  get  alarmed),  and  handed  it  to  me. 
Did  he  give  you  a  pistol?  No,  he  gave  me  a  letter  in 
the  mnnistakable  handwi'iting  of  Bishop  Bayley's  "  pro 
temporary "  successor.  He  told  me  his  name  was  S. 
Teets.  The  letter  was  addressed  to  himself,  was  dated 
that  very  morning,  and,  to  my  complete  astonishment, 
read  as  follows  :  -'I  hereby  appoint  you  pastor  of  Mont- 
clair.''  Did  the  real  pastor  of  jNlontclair  act  hastily  ? 
Some  think  that  he  did  ;  that  the  old  scenes  of  Pope 
and  Anti-Pope  should  have  been  re-enacted,  as  they  would 
have  been  had  I  remained  till  next  day.  JVfy  delibera- 
tion was  a  short  one,  and,  I  trust,  a  good  one,  though  it 
cost  the  sacrifice  of  all  my  real  and  personal  property. 
It  did  not  take  long  to  ring  the  bell  for  the  man  to  harness 
the  horse,  antl  gather  up  what  few  things  of  my  own  per- 
sonal property  I  could  lay  my  hands  on.  "  The  horse  is 
ready  sir."  "  All  right.  Drive  me  to  Brick  Church  sta- 
tion ;  the  train  leaves  at  nine.'"!  We  did  not  let  the  grass 
groAv  under  our  feet.  "Daisy"  knew  the  road  l)y  day- 
light or  dark.     The  "steam  horse"  did  Jus  part  with  his 


■  *  "I  shall  take  for  de  subjek  ob  dis  ebeninif's  instruction,"  said  a 
colored  preacher,  "  dat  portion  ob  de  Scripture  where  de  Possle  Paul 
pints  his  pistle  at  de  Phesiam." 

The  E.  Pistol  is  destined  to  siipersede  Smith  &  "Wesson's. 

t  Orang-e  was  always  a  very  convenient  back  doar  to  Montclair. 
As  F.  Gouesse  used  to  say,  "-alioays  have  a  backdoor  to  your  lioust."' 


26  Centenntal  Skyrockets. 

own  share  of  puffing  and  blowing.  AVc  shrieked  through 
the  tunnel,  the  ferry  Avas  reached,  and  then  the  New 
York  shore.  "  Laqaeus  contritus  est  et  nos  liberati  aumus.'^ 
That  night  I  slept  in  the  Astor  House,  as  that  very  morn- 
ing I  had  celebrated  the  mass  of  St.  Michael  the  Arch- 
angel. -If  there  Vi  such  a  thing  as  dust  in  New  Jersey, 
that  night  I  shook  it  from  off'  my  feet. 

Unless  God  and  St.  jNlichael  had  been  with  me,  I  could 
not  have  been  so  tranquil  in  so  great  a  crisis.  That  God 
had  a  good  end  in  view.  1  cannot  doubt,  for  what  trials 
of  patience  I  had  endured  were  known  onh'  to  Him. 
Bright  and  early  on  Monday  morning,  I  am  told  that  a 
corpulent  o-entlemen  was  rin<>in<i-  at  mv  l)rother's  door,  in 
New  York,  to  see  if  he  could  ascertain  my  whereabonts. 
He  wanted  to  get  my  ronndabouts.  They  would  never 
fit  him.  Let  me  handle  him  gently.  That  he  had  any 
but  kind  intentions  1  have  no  proof;  were  it  otherwise, 
I  should  only  say,  with  St.  Paul,  "  Alexander  the  copper- 
smith hath  done  me  much  evil  The  Lord  reicard  him 
according  to  his  works."  But  I  have  no  evidence  that  he 
came  on  any  but  a  '•  holy  office."  Was  he  after  a  Doane- 
nation  ?  He  thought  to  catch  me  with  Patrick  Hayes.* 
Van  Wyck  scoured  Montclair.  Dr.  Bowers  found  me 
at  the  Gilsey  House,  my  favorite  retreat.  His  advice  Avas 
capital  :  "So  long  as  you  don't  know  what  to  do,  don't 
do  anything."    Better  than  that  Avas  Avhat  he  Avrote  to  me  : 

"  God  liveth  ever  ;^ 
A;Vlierefore,  soul,  despair  thou  never." 

*  Begged  Patrick  for  "  God's  sake"  to  tell  him  where  I  was. 


Telegraphic  Administration.  '21 

I  opened  St.  Vincent  of  Paul.  His  admirable  maxim, 
under  the  head  of  May  2d,  met  my  eyes.  Here  it  is  : 
"A  natural  inclination  makes  us  require,  that  things 
which  are  advantageous  to  us  should  be  done  quickly. 
This,  however,  we  should  repress,  in  order  to  accustom 
ourselve^  to  the  practice  of  hol\'  indilference,  and  leave 
to  God  the  care  of  manifesting  His  will,  being  assured 
that  when  God  wishes  an  affair  to  succeed,  delays  will 
not  injure  it,  and  that  the  less  industry  there  is  on  our 
part,  the  more  there  Avill  be  of  the  wisdom  and  power 
of  God."* 

Some  give  themselves  a  great  deal  of  uneasiness  about 
their  ^'positiony  If  you  are  where  God  put  you,  and 
for  the  time  being  doing  the  will  of  God,  it  is  '■'■position'^ 
enough. 

Telegraphic  Administration. 

Such  a  procedure  as  I  have  described  in  the  last  chap- 
ter, which  I  could  never  look  at  in  any  other  light  than 
that  of  an  unmitigated  outrage  of  arbitrary  despotism, 
could  not  have  occuiTed  in  Europe.  There  it  is  a  very 
diificult  process  to  dislodge  a  parish  priest.  The  thing 
cannot  be  done  instantaneousl3^  He  is  lodged  securely, 
and  dislodged  with  difficulty.  Some  crowbai-s  have  to 
be  brought  into  play,  and  even  then  it  is  no  child's  play. 
Harder  in  Europe  to  dislodge  the  parochus  than  it  was 
to  lodge  him.  His  lodge,  or,  if  you  choose,  "  lodgment." 
protects  him — a  kind  of  vis  inertioe^  which  is  a  power 

*  Maxims  of  St.  Vincent  of  Paul,  for  every  day  in  the  year.    T.  V^. 
Strong,  599  Broadway,  New  York. 


28  Cextexntal  Skyrockets. 

that  is  made  less  uccount  of  in  this  woikl  than  it  really 
exerts.  To  my  mind,  the  vis  iriertm  in  its  right  sense  is 
a  very  formidable  power.  Heavy  bodies  move  slowly. 
But  then,  "you  know,"  this  is  a  missionary  country,  not 
that  we  are  altogether  cannibals,  nor,  as  fast  as  we  are, 
have  we  the  velocity  of  "  canon-balls,''^  I)ut  we  iire  sup- 
posed to  be  in  a  transition  state,  that  is  to  say,  in  transitu 
from  chaos  to  order.  So  the  "  ordinary  "  is  invested  with 
a  good  deal  of  extraordinary  power,  liemember.  you 
must  pronounce  that  "  ex^>-ordinary,"  or,  as  my  father 
once  told  me,  you  will  have  a  very  e.i'6'a-ordinary  way  of 
l)ron()uncing  it.  The  ordinary,  I  say,  in  this  extraor- 
dinary— stop — I  mean  missionary  country,  is  invested 
Avith  a  good  deal  of  exti'aordinary  power,  and  can  in 
many  ways  rcmin<l  himself  that  he  is  really  one  of  the 
'■'■  higher  arcJiy,'^  should  he  perchance  be  otherwise  in 
danger  of  forgetting  it.  Did  any  oi'dinary  ever  ti'cat  the 
author  of  this  ''Autograph''  in  a  very  ordinaiy  way? 
I  wish  I  had  his  photograph,  but  that  inevitable  Grace 
left  it  on  the  mantlepiece. 

One  thing  puzzles  me  worse  than  the  rule  of  three, 
viz.,  all  the  influences  that  are  brought  to  bear  in  the  ap- 
pointment of  these  ordinaries  to  American  sees.  An 
American  see  (or  qacvii  American)  should  be  able  to  see 
without  spectacles.  If  he  is  to  judge  people  by  their 
"  looks" — though  I  must  confess  for  my  part  I  have  no 
faith  in  physiognomy — if,  I  say,  he  is  to  judge  people  by 
their  "  looks,'"  then  he  ought  to  be  able  to  see  how  they 
look  without  spectacles.  I  have  less  faith  in  "  Brewster's 
Optics,"  or  "  Benjamin  Pike's,"  or  "  Semnion's,"  than  I 


Telegraphic  Administration.  29 

hav^e  ill  my  own.  I  hav^e  a  prejudice  against  spectacles, 
althouiiii  St.  Paul  does  say:  "■Spedacaluni  facti  sumus 
mundo  el  cmgelis  et  homimbas.^^  *  It  has  never  yet  been, 
my  mist'ortime  to  wear  spectacles,  and  if  it  was  right  to 
say  so,  I  should  say  I  hoped  it  never  Avould.  Of  course 
it  makes  a  man  look  like  a  sehoJai:     That  is  all  very  well. 

"You  may  sometimes  know  .a  priest  by  his  collar, 
And  sometimes  by  his  spectadts  know  a  scholar." 

Father  Driscoll — and  he  is  the  only  one  who  ever 
made  such  a  remark — ouce  had  the  kindness  to  say  that 
I  was  a  i^oet.  You  may  take  this  last  for  my  first  effort 
in  that  direction.  Poeta  nascitar  not  fit.  Let  lis  say 
nothing  here  about  jitH.  I  hope  that  the  unfortunate 
subject  of  them  has  ere  this  repented  in  a  better  way  than 
did  Judas  Iscariot.  Some  of  my  poiids  require  future 
explanation  ;  don't  forget  that  "supi)lenieiitaiy  volume." 
I  .>hall  never  forget  Father  Driscoll's  amusement  when 
he  saw  my  fird  cassock  in  the  seminar}'.  Mr.  McEvoy 
had  made  it  too  short  every  way — too  short  in  the  arms, 
too  short  in  the  waist,  too  short  in  the  si<irt,  too  short  all 
over.  It  was  a  ^' picture ^^^  and  made  me  another.  Rev. 
Superior  said  that  I  looked  like  ''Brother  Jonathan.'''' 
Never  having  seen  his  brother  Jonathan — an  unusual 
name,  I  confess,  for  an  Irishman — and  not  having  any 
In-other  Jonathan  myself,  I  am  at  a  loss  to  conceive  how 
I  did  look.  Only  he  said  that  I  looked  like  Brother 
Jonathan,  and  he  must  have  had  some  ground  for  the 

*  "  We  are  made  a  spectacle  to  the  world,  and  to  angels,  and  to 
men." 


30  Ckntennial  Skyrockkts. 

comparison,  unless   the    comparison,   like  the  genus  in 
general,  went  altogether  on  one  leg. 

Well,  I  look  so  little  like  brother  Jonathan  now,  that 
I  conld  not,  by  any  possibility,  convince  a  man  the  other 
evenina;  that  I  was  not  an  Irishman.  I  told  him  that  I 
was  as  good  as  an  Irishman,  which  he  would  have  ac- 
knowledged if  he  had  known  that  I  was  a  priest. 

This  leminds  me  of  a  man  who  came  to  St.  John  the 
Evangelist  for  me  to  go  Avith  him  on  a  sick  call,  to  see 
his  wife,  remarking  that  "his  missus  came  from  the  same 
part  of  the  old  country  that  I  did  myself." 

1  make  these  remarks  to  show  that  I  have  been  long 
enough  a  Catholic  to  begin  to  look  like  one.  You  may 
become  a  Catholic  by  the  grace  of  God  all  at  once  ;  but 
you  cannot  all  at  once  look  like  one.  Two  years  under 
F.  McCloskey  at  the  Church  of  the  Nativity,  five  years 
with  the  Jesuits  in  the  seminary,  twenty-three  years  in 
the  Catholic  priesthood,  have  uot  been  for  me  in  vain. 
I  have  got  to  look  like  an  Irishman  ;  that  is  to  say,  I 
am  just  begimiing  to  look  like  a  Catholic* 

"  Ex  HIS  Omnibus  Eripuit  me  Dominus." 

"  From  all  these  has  the  Lord  delivered  me."  These 
are  the  words  of  St.  Paul,  after  giving  an  enumeration 
of  the  various  perils  through  which  he  had  passed ; 
perils  of  fire,  perils  of  water,  perils  by  sea,  perds  by  land, 
perils  by  night,  perils  by  day,  perils  hy  false  brethren, 

*Do  not  say  "  Cawtholic."  A  Cockney  being  summoned  to  spell 
saloon  thus  acquitted  himself:  "a  hess,  and  a  hay,  and  a  hell,  and 
two  hoes  and  a  hen ;"  or  "  hess,  hay,  hell,  ho,  ho,  hen." 


"  Ex  HIS  Ommuus  Eripvit  me  Dominus:^         81 

which  he  enumerates  hist,  but  b}^  no  ineaus  least.  But 
he  adds,  ex  his  omnibus  ei'ipmt  me  dominus :  "  From  all 
these  has  the  Lord  delivered  me."  I  am  not  St.  Paul, 
nor  have  I  ever  been  intentionally  a  persecutor  of  the 
church,  though,  according  to  one  genealogy,  I  come 
of  the  tribe  of  Benjamin  ;  and  so,  of  course,  docs  my 
brother.  But  I  have  experienced  the  truth  of  St.  Paul's 
assertion,  that  all  who  wish  to  serve  God  more  than  the 
world  shall  meet  with  contradiction.  That  any  real 
physical  attempt  was  ever  made  to  poiso7i  me,  I  cannot 
be  so  positive  that  I  would  like  to  swear  to  it.  That, 
morally  speaking,  such  attempts  have  been  frequently 
and  repeatedly  made,  I  am  more  certain.  Vidi  laborem 
et  contra dictioiiem.  I  have  been  the  witness  of  labor, 
contradiction,  and  various  intrigue. 

I  have  been  teased,  thwarted  and  annoyed  ; — perils 
within  my  own  dominions  ;  perils  outside ;  perils  all 
around  ;  perils  of  Avould-be  friends  ;  perils  of  hypocrites  ; 
perils  of  secret  enemies  ;  perils  of  open  antagonists  ; 
perils  from  secret  societies  ;  perils  from  infidels  ;  perils 
from  those  calling  themselves  Catholics ;  and  perils,  too, 
from  false  brethren.  8ed  ex  his  omnibus  eripuit  me  domi- 
nus.  But  from  all  these  and  many  more  has  the  Lord 
delivered  me.  Transivimus  per  ignem  et  aquani  et  edux- 
isti  nos  in  refergerium.  We  have  passed  through  fire  an. I 
water,  and  thou  hast  brought  us  into  a  place  of  refre^n- 
ment.  Saepe  exjmgnaverunt  me,  saepe  cxpugnaverunt 
me  a  juventute  mea,  etenini  non  potuerunt  miJii.  "  They 
'often  fought  against  me  from  my  youth,  but  they  were 
not  able  to  prevail  over  me."     Domine  id  scuto  bonce  vol- 


32  C^JNTEXNfAL  Skyrockets. 

wiiatis  luce  coronas/i  no,^.      "Thou   hast  crowned  us,  O 
Lord,  us  with  the  shield  of  thy  good  will." 

lu  u  word,  Goil  has  helped  me.  St.  Ar.thony  of  Padua 
has  helped  me.  Good  prayers  have  helped  me.  There 
have  been  more  ivilh  me  than  against  me.  As  the  ven- 
erable F.  Leii'ouais  once  said:  "Do  you  not  .see  that 
God  is  with  you  ?  " 

"  In  Omnibus  Charitas." 

An  English-latin  disquisition. 

The  world  is  an  omm'/jit.s.  It  is  for  all.  There  is  no 
passenger  left  behind.*  All  must  ride,  and  needs  be 
sometimes  jcMie  each  other.  Here  is  where  charity 
comes  in.  After  charit\'  gets  aboard,  jostling  does  not 
maUt'  so  much  dilfeieuce.  The  old  vehicle  will  give  a 
bounce  where  the  road  is  rough.  It  icill  lean  on  a  dc- 
clivit}'.  Somctiniel  the  axles  will  s(|ueak.  and  the  dis- 
cordant noise  gi'ates  harshly  on  our  ears.  We  wouM 
rather  it  were  a  ''  Hllh'^-\^\^\^  just  in  from  Boston.  We 
are  sensitive  ;  but  so  soon  as  c-hai-it}'  steps  in  all  goes 
easy.  When  charity  is  aboard,  you  lose  all  conscious- 
ness that  the  stage  is  getting  crowded.  That  })assenger 
will  not  let  you  feel  it. 

So,  above  all  things,  let  us  have  omnibus  cJiavifas.  In 
nect^ssariii^  unitas.     O  yes. 

B}^  all  means.     In  dubiis  libertas.     Wh}'  not  ? 

But,  over  all  and  above  all,  in  omnibus  cantas.     It  is 

*  "  HoDLD.  ye  old  murtherin'  stame  ingine,"  exclaimed  Cornelia^, 
running-  out  of  the  restaurant  at  the  station  ;  "  ye  have  a  jiassenger 
aboard  that's  left  behind." 


Fid  EM  Servavl  33 

the  iiiotto  of  this  l)()ok  ;  the  iigiire-head  of  the  ship  ;  the 
banner  under  which  we  sail  in  omnibus  carilas. 

Faith  is  necessary,  hope  is  true  liberty,  but  what  is 
the  one  or  the  other  without  charity  ? 

Let  the  conclusion  of  all  be  in  omnibus  caritas. 

And  if  we  do  not  have  charity  in  omnibus,  where  can 
we  expect  to  find  it  ?  Let  there  ])e  always  "in  omnibus 
caritas." 

FiDEM  Servavi. 

The  reader  will  [)r()])ably  take  the  last  chapter  as  a 
jeu  (V esprit  on  a  serious  subject.  Remember  that  in  my 
"preface"  I  promised  not  to  let  you  go  to  sleep — I 
mean  during  the  perusal  of  this  work  ;  for  sleep  in  its 
own  proper  time  is,  as  my  friend  Dr.  Robie  Wood  very 
justly  remarked,  nature's  great  restorer.  What  a  facnlty 
I  have  for  dragging  people  into  this  work  by  the  ears  ! 
But  I  have  thus  far  violated  nol)ody\s  confidence,  and  in 
that  sensQ  ''Jill em  servavi  ;^^  and  in  a  much  nol)ler  and 
higher  sense,  through  all  the  chances  and  accidents  of  an 
eventful  Y\ic,tidem  servavi.  But  what  does  faith  require 
of  me  ?  It  requii-es  of  me  to  believe  the  Holy  Catholic 
Church.  Our  Ijoos}^  friend  hi  the  gutter  did  ^ot  lose 
the  jewel  of  his  faith,  though  the  mud  of  sin  and  inebria- 
tion had  obscured  its  lustre  ;*  for  being  interrogated  for 
the  definition  of  a  Catholic,  he  replied  unhesitatingly  : 
"  One  that  profisses  the  true  faith,  and  is  obadieut  to  the 
Pope."  I  profess  the  true  faith,  and  I  am  obedient  to  the 
Pope.     Beyond  all  peradventure  I  am  a  Catholic.     My 

*  "Whatever  I  do,"  said  JEbinus  to  me  in  the  street,  "I  carry  God 
in  niv  heart."     He  said  it  so  earnestly  that  I  believed  him. 
3 


34  Cextexxial  Skyrockets. 

faith  is  the  most  precious  jewel  in  luy  diadem,  and  when 
inflamed  with  charity,  it  is  resplendent.  My  faith  teaches 
me  that  the  scope  and  end  of  the  Christian  religion  is  not 
to  aive  a  standard  of  morals,  but  to  train  men  for  heaven. 
I  sail  in  the  ship  of  Peter,  but  my  contidence  is  in  the 
ship  and  in  the  captain,  not  in  all  the  harnacle^'i  that  have 
either  in  ancient  or  modern  times  attached  themselves  to 
the  ship's  sides.  In  necej^mriis  uniias.  Believing  all  that 
is  strictl}^  of  faith,  I  am  free  to  hold  my  own  opinion, 
derived  from  personal  observation,  in  things  that  are  not 
necessarily  of  faith  ;  for  he  who  pronounced  the  axiom, 
In  necessariis  itm(a^,  declared  axiom  number  two,  In 
doubtful  things  liberty.  So  I  take  that  liberty  which  St. 
Auiiustine  gave  me.  I  doubt  the  expediency  of  many 
points  of  administration.  I  ask  myself:  Is  the  Catholic 
Church  in  these  I.^iiitc*!  States  really  going  ahead,  as 
many  would  make  us  believe  ?  Docs  she  hold  her  own  f 
'•  He,"  says  St.  Paul,  "  who  does  not  have  a  care  of  his 
own  household,  has  denied  the  faith,  and  is  worse  than 
an  infidel."  Does  the  Catholic  Church,  with  all  the  big 
talk  aV)Out  wonderful  advMuces.  does  she  hold  her  own  ? 
Is  her  sjiccess  real  or  financial  ?  Do  the  poor  have  the 
ofospel  preached  to  them  ?  Are  they  never  turned  away 
frofn  church  doors  by  booby  menials  for  their  poverty  ? 
Bishops  and  parish  priests  perhaps  do  not  know  it  ;  but  it 
is  their  ])usincss  to  know  it.  What  are  they /or  ?  A  rough 
hand  was  put  to  my  shoulder  last  tall,  as  I  entered  a 
grand  church  that  stands  in  the  centre  of  New  York  city. 
"  They  did  not  know  me.*'  Of  course  they  did  not  know 
me;  all  the  worse.     They  treated  me  like  anybody  else.- 


iSMALL  Craft.  85 

Ecdesia  Dei  non  more  casivorum  ciistodienda*  said  8t. 
Thomas  of  Canterbury,  when  about  to  lie  martyred  in 
his  own  cathedral — St.  Thomas,  he  whose  motherf  put 
her  httle  infant  boy  ijito  one  side  of  the  balance,  and  his 
weight  in  gold  into  the  other,  for  distribution  to  God's 
poor.  ^'Blessed  is  he  who  understands  concerning  tJie 
needy  and  the  poor :  the  Lord  will  deliver  him  in  the  evil 
day^  Go  where  I  will,  I  see,  instead  of  sufficient 
churches  and  priests,  a  horde  of  "  brothers  "  and  "  sisters," 
mendicant  and  otherwise,  overwhelming  the  country. 
Does  my  Cathohc  faith  oblige  me  to  believe  that  that  is 
exj^jedient,  and  for  the  true  interests  of  religion  ?  I  think 
not.  My  faith  is  in  the  old  ship  that  set  sail  on  the  day 
of  Pentecost,  A.D.  34,  for  the  successor  of  St.  Peter  is  an 
infallible  captain.  But  as  for  either  old  or  new  barnacles 
that  have  attached  themselves  to  her  sides,  I  have  no 
faith  in  them.  The  sooner  they  are  scraped  ofl',  the  bet- 
ter ;  and  I  trust  that  I  shall  not  get  myself  into  any 
scrajpe  for  having  said  this. 

Small  Craft.  :|. 

"I  confess  that  I  have  never  had  the  alnlity,"  says  Mr. 
Si3urgeon,  '-to  manage  a  small  congregation.     It  is  like 

*  The  Church  of  God  is  not  to  be  guarded  like  a  camp  of  soldiers. 

t  Mother  of  S.  Thos.  of  Canterbury  was  a  Saracen. 

I  At  a  small  church  in  Eng-land  recently,  upon  the  reverend  "g^en- 
tleman  "  announcing  his  text,  a  respectably  attired  woman  entered 
the  church,  causing  the  hearers  to  look  around  to  see  who  the  latest 
arrival  was,  whereupon  the  reverend  "gentleman"  said:  "Now, 
my  friends,  just  look  at  me.  Let  me  have  your  attention,  for  those 
who  come  in  late  are  not  worth  looking  at." 


36  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

a  small  boat.  You  must  get  in  carefully ;  you  must 
sit  in  it  just  so — not  too  much  on  this  side,  nor  too  much 
on  that  side — so  as  to  keep  it  very  evenly  balanced,  or 
you  will  get  capsized."  I  acknowledge  much  truth  in 
the  oljsorvation,  and  that  it  requires  more  skill  and  tact 
to  control  a  small  assemblage  of  people  than  it  does  to 
command  a  large  crowd,  and  more  zeal  to  instruct  a 
handful  than  it  does  to  address  a  vast  audience.  The 
little  boat  is  always  the  most  hazardous  ;  and  yet,  Saint 
Francis  of  Sales  preferred  preaching  to  small  assemblages, 
believing  that  God  enabled  him  to  do  more  good.  But 
he  was  a  saint.  One  of  the  most  efficacious  sermons  I 
ever  listened  to  was  delivered  by  a  disciple  of  Saint 
Francis  of  Sales  to  a  roomful  of  wretched  women  in  the 
"Tombs."  He  first  read  a  chapter  from  an  old  worn 
"  Testament,"  and  then  made  some  brief  remarks.  That 
God  was  there  with  both  speaker  and  listener  none  could 
doubt.  Heart  spoke  to  heart,  and  few  dry  eyes  remained, 
though  many  an  old  shawl  had  to  serve  for  handkerchief. 

Grace. 

You  imagine,  expectant  reader,  that  I  am  about  open- 
ing a  tract  in  theology.  "  De  Gratia.''^  No.  I  am  only 
going  to  tell  you  something  about  a  faithful  housekeeper, 
an  old  and  tried  friend,  although,  in  truth,  I  always 
claimed  to  be  head  housekeeper  myself  But  we  never 
quarreled  about  that.  Ordination  pav^d  the  way  for 
subordination.  Grace  was  the  terror  of  all  those  inquisi- 
tive busybodies  who  are  so  apt  to  infest  the  kitchen  of  a 
priest's  house,  and  taught  every  one  who  came  within 


Grace.  37 

the  sphere  of  her  jurisdiction  to  mind  his  own  place. 
Answer  ye,  who  ever  ran  afoul  of  that  craft,  if  it  was  not 
so.  My  book  would  be  very  incomplete  if  I  did  not  say 
a  word  about  Grace.  Grace  was  jealous  for  my  inde- 
pendence, in  every  ti'uest  sense  of  the  word.  Grace  was 
a  stumljhng  block  to  all  busybodies.  One  of  the  Orange  * 
tril>e  called  over  to  Montclair  at  dusk  of  evening  in  my 
absence.  The  usual  interrogations  of  course  :  "Where 
is  he  ?  "  "  When  did  he  go  out  ?  "  "  Did  he  say  when 
he  would  be  back?"  "What  time  did  he  say  his  mass 
this  morning  ?  "  "  Was  he  home  yesterday  ?  "  Finding 
every  effort  to  gain  undue  information  futile,  as  a  last 
re.'^ort  she  displayed  a  ivatc/i,  and  inquired  of  my  in- 
domital)le  if  she  knew  her  place.  "  Do  you  know 
tjour.s  ?''  quietly  retorted  the  sentinel.  It  is  needless 
to  add  that  the  enemy  retired  in  confusion.  "Egg- 
Harbor"  parochus  had  experience  of  her  prowess,  and 
retired  defeated.  He  had  called  for  the  fourth  time 
without  chancing  to  lind  me  in,  and  spoke  with  the  air 
of  one  injured,  because  I  was  not  at  home,  himself  a 
total  stranger  to  me.  -'But  you  are  not  at  home  your- 
self, sir.^^  He  was  disarmed,  discomiited — anything  you 
choose  to  call  it — and  forthwith  sought  other  and  more 
genial  climes  to  pursue  the  avocation  of  collectoi".  I 
always  preferred  to  be  collector  of  my  own  "  port." 
Grace  generally  preferred  to  do  all  the  work  herself,  and 
could  do  the  work  of  six  if  it  was  necessary.  Being  a 
very  strong  loill,  there  was  a  way.     Parties,  and  they 

*  "  Orange,"  some  three  short  miles  distant  from  Montclair ;  head- 
quarters of  hatters  generally. 


38  Centexxfal  Skyrockets. 

were  not  infrequent,  who  were  ambitious  to  ))e  her  assist- 
ants, were  apt  to  find  that  the  discipline  of  that  camp 
was  too  severe,  and  retired  in  disgust.  A  gentleman 
who  came  often  to  see  me,  said  one  day  to  "  Barney  Gal- 
ligan"  :  "  Father  Josliii  very  nice  man,  but  he  has  a 
dreadful  housekeeper.""  Grace  was  not  uniniudful  of  the 
old  proverb,  "  Be  kind  to  the  cat.''  We  kept  some  splen- 
did specimens  of  the  feline  tribe,  and  they  had  little  cause 
to  complain  of  their  treatment.  Such  a  thing  as  '■'■mew 
sick''''  was  almost  unknown.  '■'■A  mew  singly  ^^  would 
often  be  my  only  company  to  dinner.  "  Come,  listen  to 
my  mews^^  would  not,  however,  lie  a  polite  invitation  of 
an  evening. 

"  The  burial  of  Sir  Thomas  Kitten  "  was  one  of  our 
favorite  ballads. 

"  And  they  thought,  as  they  gazed  on  the  face  of  the  dead, 
Of  the  fights  they  would  have  on  the  morrow." 

They  were  all  well  taken  care  of.  So  was  "e/acA;,"  a 
fine  Newfoundland  dog  who  had  been  presented  to  me, 
and  died  at  an  advanced  age — not.  however,  from  an 
overdose  of  '^canine.^^  I  never  replaced  him  after  his 
demise,  for  we  had  a  shocking  case  of  hydrophobia  in 
the  parish,  and  I  was  accustomed  to  tell  my  people  ever 
afterwards,  that  the  next  worse  thing  to  have  around  the 
house,  after  the  devil,  was  a  dog.  Do  you  say  I  am  dog- 
matic 9  I  only  express  my  private  conviction,  that  the 
extermination  of  dogs,  for  some  generations,  would  be  a 
benefit  to  humanity^ ; — and  that  every  dog  has  had  his 


Broiled  Iobster.  39 

day.  Lot  there  l»e  at  onee  a  eonier  in  the  market  for 
j^tryehiiine,  mix  vomica  and  antidotes  to  canine  generally. 
At'tcr  my  sudden  and  most  unexpected  departure  from 
Montchiir,  on  Saturday,  Sept.  5th,  1874,  Grace  stood  her 
irroimd  and  protected  my  house  like  a  citadel  from  those 
who  waited  to  irain  an  entrance  and  make  havoc  of  my 
personal  property.  She  succeeded  in  saving  for  me  one 
or  two  of  my  suits  of  vestments,  which  she  dispatched  to 
New  York  before  the  enemy  gained  admission,  so  that, 
between  all,  I  am  in  possession  of  my  altar  stones,  chal- 
ices, ciborium,  and  all  the  requisites  for  celebrating  the 
holy  sacrifice  of  the  mass.*  If  I  am  asked  who  helped 
me  so  much,  I  must  say  "  Grace.''  Bridget  also  rendered 
valual)le  assistance  in  the  work  of  rumaging.  B.  B.  That 
means  be  Bridget,  if  so  yon  were  christened.  It  is  too 
great  a  name  to  l)e  trifled  with.  G.  informed  B.,  on  com- 
ing in,  that  a  ''crisis^'  had  arrived.  "What  beautiful 
sympathy  we  sometimes  get  in  tears  If 

Broiled  Lobster. 

"Bridget,  did  you  boil  that  lobster?''  "  No,  ma'am, 
the  divil  a  bit  of  him  would  he  broil ;  the  faster  I  put 
him  on  the  coals,  the  faster  he  walked  oflV  Lobster  was 
right.  This  has  ahva^^s  been  my  own  modus  operandi, 
never  to  consent  to  be  broiled.     Put  to  the  alternative  of 

*  One  of  my  altar  stones  is  labelled  "  Archbishop's  Private  Chapel." 
It  belonged  to  Archbishop  Hughes. 

t  A  doctor's  Avdfe  tried  to  move  him  by  tears.  "Ah,"  said  he, 
"tears  are  useless;  I  have  analyzed  them.  They  contain  a  little 
phospihate  of  lime,  some  chloride  of  sodium,  and  water." 


40  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

resisting  authority,  or  of  sacrificing  self-res])ect,  I  vmlked 
off  as  coolly  and  deliberately  as  you  like.  In  the  year 
1863,  "■counter  irritation"  put  me  to  that  alternative  in 
New  York.  /  ivalked  off  to  inhospitable  Jersey.  Ten  or 
eleven  years  later,  put  to  a  similar  alternative,  I  ^calked 
back  again.  But  do  not  imagine  that  this  last  return 
from  exile  was  out  of  the  frying  pan  iiito  the  fire,  or  1  >ack 
to  the  frying  pan  again,  "i^yey  "  and  I  have  not  for  a 
long  time  been  on  terms  of  intimacy.  I  used  to  be  his 
penitent.  He  is  a  friar.  He  is  surrounded  by  friars,  a 
whole  brother-//oo(7.  They  Avear  long  beards,  and  pre- 
sent indeed  a  very  venerable  appearance,  I  saw  one  of 
the  lay  fraternity  shoveling  snow  off  the  sidewalk,  as  I 
passed  last  winter.  I  was  the  wrong  passenger,  and  he 
did  not  wake  me  up.  The  convent  is,  I  suppose,  Avhat 
they  call  a  fnary.  Where  there  is  some  smoke,  always 
a  little  tire.  One  of  themselves  walked  ofi"  to  the  "  valley 
of  oranges." 

Stationery. 

I  used  to  keep  stationary,  that  is  to  say,  I  always  '•  stay 
put,"  until  once  put  to  the  alternative  of  "resisting 
authority  or  sacrificing  self-respect."  Otherwise,  I  •'  kept 
stationaiy."  ]Many  do  well  by  keeping  stationary.  The 
rolling  stone  may  indeed  gather  polish,  but  it  does  not 
gather  moss.  It  gathers  mos,  ])ut  not  moss.  Some  very 
ol)liging  friends  of  mine  keep  stationery,  and  have  done 
so  for  a  long  time,  so  that  their  firm  is  well  known  in 
New  York,  though  it  has  not  penetrated  into  New  Jer- 
sey.    I  deduce  this  from  an  incident  in  my  own  experi- 


By  Hook  or  by  Crook.  41 

ence  last  fall.  I  had  addressed  repeated  letters  to  a 
gentleman  "ordinary,"  who,  at  the  end  of  a  couple  of 
months,  replied  that  he  had  hitherto  declined  returning 
any  answer  "through  so  iY',\n^\)iXVQ\\t\y fictitious  a  lirm  as 
Styles  (&  Cash  ,•"  that  "  such  trilling  was  infra  dignitatejn 
sacerdotalemr  Well,  I  might  have  made  a  worse  mis- 
take myself,  had  I  1)ecn  predisposed  to  imagine  that  any- 
body wanted  to  trifle  with  me. 

Styles  &  Cash  still  keeip  stationery  at  77  Eighth  ave- 
nue. Like  this  work  of  mine,  it  is  their  own  manufac- 
ture. 

By  Hook  or  by  Crook. 

"  What  have  you  been  doing,"  some  one  asks  me,  "since 
your  hegira  from  Montclair?  How  have  you  been 
getting  along  ?  "  Ans.  By  hook  or  by  crook.  No  longer 
by  crook  ;  for  no  crozier  which  is  sign i  tied  by  crook  has 
lent  me  any  assistance.  "  Then  I  suppose  in  the  other 
way."  Ans.  What  alternative  ?  How  have  you  got 
along  ?  Where  did  you  say  mass  ?  How  did  you  cher- 
ish your  faith,  and  keep  it  alive  and  Avarm  ?  How  did 
you  keep  at  l)ay  temptations?  How  did  you  ])ractice 
charity  ?  How  did  you  render  spiritual  services  to  your 
friends  ?  How  did  you  liaffle  and  confound  your  ene- 
mies ?  How  did  you  keep  yourself  in  the  grace  of  God  ? 
To  all  of  which  I  reply,  hy  hook  or  by  crook. 

St.  Joseph  and  St.  Anthony,  of  Padua,  have  still 
helped  me,  and  helped  me  to  keep  still  till  it  was  time  to 
make  a  noise. 


42  ,      Centennial  Skyrockets. 

"  Joseph,  pure  spouse  of  that  immortal  bride, 
Who  shines  in  ever  virgin  glory  bright, 
Through  this  dark  world  thy  humble  suppliants  guide 
Back  to  the  realms  of  light." 

How  did  the  author  keep  himself  so  successfully  con- 
cealed during  those  long  months  ?  God  hid  him.  One 
night  he  stopped  at  the  Gilsey  House.  On  entering  his 
room  for  the  night,  he  opened  the  Sacred  Narrative  that 
lay  on  the  tal)le.  "  The  king  ordered  four  of  his  men  to 
seize  the  prophet  Jeremias.  But  God  hid  him."  Yes, 
said  1,  God  hides  me. 


The  Pakochial  House. 

A  reminiscence  of  Montclair. 

It  was  a  curiosity  in  its  way.  Was  originally  built  for 
a  country  tenant  house.  W;is  a  double  house  ;  so  I  cut 
throuuh  the  partitions  in  the  endeavor  to  make  laro^e 
rooms  out  of  small  ones.  It  seemed  to  be  all  doors  and 
windows.  For  all  that,  it  made  a  veiy  admirable  j);7"e5^'6* 
house.  The  little  steep,  narrow  stairways,  without  bal- 
usters, were  the  most  inconvenient  and  unsafe  part  of  it. 

"  A  man   must  be  perfectl}^  sober."   said   Bishop , 

'•to  come  down  these  stairs."  He  stood  at  the  top  of 
the  tiiaht,  and  I  awaited  him  l)elow.  That  was  the  lodofe 
I  had  in  my  vast  wilderness.  I  detest  such  names  as 
"  rectory,"  "  parsonage "  and  the  like.  Give  us  plain 
English  :  priest^s  house.  Had  it  been  the  residence  of  a 
Whittington  or  a  Wickham,  you  might  have  called  it  a 
'' mayor'' s  nest.''^     At  all  events  it  ^yhs  a  2vhife  house,  as 


Church  "  Societie.^."'  43 

two  substantial  coats  of  zinc  paint  al)U)idantly  demon- 
strated. I  was  just  preparing  to  erect  a  house  in  wliicli 
one  could  preserve  the  erect  posture  ak)ng  with  his  own 
health,  when  sago  was  prescribed,  and  I  beat  the  same 
hasty  retreat  ])ack  to  New  York  that  I  had  lieaten  out  o: 
it,  of  my  own  accord,  in  18 Go. 

Church  "  Societies." 

They  have  not  a  few  objectional)le  features.  You  will 
ask  me:  "  Do  they  not  at  least  cause  men  to  tVequent  the 
sacraments  ?  "  They  do  cause  men  to  frequent  the  sacra- 
ments for  a  while,  as  a  matter  of  routine.  I  am  not  fond 
of  too  much  spiritual  machinery,  even  when  it  does  "  xeiue 
a  turn.^^  I  like  to  see  men  and  women,  and  boys  and 
girls  go  to  confession  and  holy  conmumion  on  their  own 
responsibility,  afl^brding  them  meantime  continual  oppor- 
tunity  to  do  so.  That  was  St.  Philip  Neri's  plan,  and 
Father  Muppiatti's,*  and  Father  Varella's,  and  a  host  of 
other  good,  zealous  priests.  It  shows  a  solid  and  inde- 
pendent faith.  They  become  a  more  solid  and  self-re- 
sponsible kind  of  Catholics  for  doing  so.  Every  one 
stands  more  on  his  own  foundation,  and  does  his  duty  for 
duty's  sake  and  the  good  of  his  own  soul,  and  not  just 
because  it  is  the  fashion,  and  he  sees  others  do  it.  There 
is  not  so  much  of  the  flock  of  sheep  style  about  it.  Shall 
I  be  allowed  to  say  it  is  less  worldly  9  I  believe  in  my 
heart  (where  I  l^elieve  a  good  deal)  that  many  so-called 
religious  societies  are  a  simple  and  intolerable  nuisance 

*  See  appendix. 


44  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

to  the  parish  priest — God  help  him!  Only  they  have 
come  into  vogue.  There  is  no  end  to  them.  May  God 
^■ouchsafe  to  hnmble  all  the  enemies  of  the  Holy  Church. 

Fireworks. 

Plenty  of  good  servants  in  these  days,  and  not  a  few 
bad  masters.  We  live  in  an  age  of  combustion  and  com- 
bustibles. Three  several  times  was  my  church  in  immi- 
nent danger  from  the  lire  fiend,  and  every  time  almost 
miraculously  saved  :  once  by  the  Blessed  Virgin,  once  by 
the  Blessed  Sacrament,  and  once — the  last  time — by  holy 
water. 

When  Archbishop  Bayley  pulled  up  stakes  in  Newark, 
there  was  an  inter  regnum.  Who  would  succeed  him  ? 
Did  every  priest  in  the  Jersey  diocese  think  that  perhaps 
he  would  l)e  the  man  ?  I  had  better  mind  my  own  busi- 
ness, for  how  do  I  know  ?  Suffice  it  to  say  that  all  were 
individually  interested  that  a  good  man  should  get  the 
apijointment.  The  P.  P.  of  Montclair  Ijade  his  congre- 
gation invoke  St.  Michael,  placed  a  large  picture  of  the 
great  archangel  over  the  high  altar,  and  promised  that  he 
should  not  come  down  until  a  new  bisho[)  would  be  ap- 
pointed. But  in  the  course  of  arranging  some  decora- 
tions, the  promise  was  unfortunately  forgotten,  and  St. 
^lichael  did  come  down,  and  was  placed  temporarily 
near  the  altar  of  the  Blessed  Virgin.  By  an  untoward 
accident,  that  altar  took  fire  and  was  nearly  consumed  ; 
but  wonderful  to  say,  the  statue  of  Most  Holy  Mary  es- 
caped without  the  first  mark  of  fire  or  smoke,  along  with 


Secret  ISocieties.  45 

her  lace  veil.  St.  Michael  did  not  fare  so  well ;  the  pic- 
ture was  a  mass  of  charcoal.  The  fire  spared,  however. 
tJie  devil*  with  the  arm  of  St.  Michael  thrusting  the  spear 
into  him.  and  i\iQ  foot  of  St.  Michael  f>tanding  on  him. 

Secret  Societies. 

Not  only  the  celebrated  Dr.  Cahill,  hut  Dr.  Martin  A. 
O'Brennan,  the  "  Connaught  patriot,''  passed  several  daj^s 
with  me  at  my  house  in  Montclair.  I  found  Dr.  O'Bren- 
nan a  learned,  erudite,  and  highly  accomplished  gentle- 
man as  well  as  a  good  practical  Catholic  into  the  bargain. 
Having  got  head  and  ears  into  hot  water  with  the  British 
government,  he  fled  to  America,  leaving  his  wife  to  con- 
duct the  paper  and  superintend  the  printing-office,  at 
home,  where  she  could  pro])ably  raise  fully  as  much  annoy- 
ance, to  say  the  least,  as  he  could  himself;  for  a  rampant 
woman  is  any  day  a  match  for  a  rampant  man.  Be  that 
as  it  may,  it  is  an  ill  wind  that  ])lows  no])ody  an}'  good,  and 
Dr.  O'Brennan  was  my  guest,  and  I  derived  no  little  edifi- 
cation and  instrnction  from  his  conversation,  as  well  as 
recreation  in  his  company.  He  was  a  scholar,  every 
inch  of  him,  though  he  wore  no  spectacles.  He  gave 
me  the  true  derivation  of  many  Irish  names  whose  orthog- 
raphy has  become  strangely  anglicised  and  corrupted. 
''  Duffy, ^^  for  instance,  was  originally  "  DubTac,"  and  so 
of  many  other  names  that  now  make  such  euphonious 
cognomens.     But  Dr.  O'Brennan's  erudition  was  not  con- 

*  "  Just  like  him,"  sai  1  a  visitor  to  whom  I  was  exhibiting  the 
charred  remains  of  the  picture,  "  he  always  comes  oflF  first  best." 


46  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

fined  to  "  Erin  go  Bragh."  The  Oriental  languages  Nvere 
as  familiar  to  him  as  the  Celtic.  "  Parsa,^^  he  told  me, 
signified  ''the  man.'''  Hence  " Pd>wV^"  which  anciently 
covered  the  site  of  the  garden  of  Paradise,  where  the  first 
mem  was  created.  My  erudite  visitor  reminded  mo  of 
my  old  friend  Father  jNIark  Murphy,  on  Staten  Island, 
who  could  read  that  charming  book,  the  "Arabian 
Niirhts,"  in  its  oriuinal  Arabic.  After  a  while  our  con- 
versation  at  the  breakfast  table,  one  morning,  fell,  "as 
luck  would  have  it,"  on  the  nuich-mooted  question  of 
secret  societies.  Why,  said  Dr.  O'Brennan,  your  own 
household  is  a  secret  society.  True  enough  !  Here  was 
a  new  idea.  Every  household  is  in  point  of  fact  a  secret 
society.  Every  oi'ganization  is,  in  ^ome  sense  of  the 
words,  a  secret  society.  Every  institution  is  a  secret  so- 
ciet}'.  Ever}'  religious  family  is  a  secret  societ}\  Every 
so-called  charitable  institution  is  a  secret  society. 

Is  the  Church  a  secret  society  ?  All  I  know  about 
that  is,  that  in  the  early  ages  she  boasted  of  what  she 
called  the  Discipline  of  the  secret,  meaning  thereby  that 
the  mystery  of  the  Holy  Eucharijst  must  not  be  commu- 
nicated to  the  uninitiated.. 

"  Give  not  what  is  holy  to  dogs,  and  cast  ye  not  your 
pearls  before  swine."  Priests  are  the  guardians  of  the 
Blessed  Sacrament.     It  is  their  most  precious  pearl. 

So  in  the  early  centuries  the  Church  would  not  allow 
unbaptized  persons  even  to  know  that  she  held  such  a 
doctrine  as  the  real  presence  of  the  Lord  Jesus  Christ 
in  the  blessed  sacrament.  Some  of  them  might  betray 
her,  and  pervert  the  true  meaning  of  the  mystery  in  the 


Tee  To  Tailors.  47 

eyes  of  the  inlidels.  Indeed,  the  pagans  had  some  queer 
stories  about  it.  A  Catholic  gentleman  once  asked  me 
if  I  thought  the  Church  had  anything  corresponding  to 
the  discipline  of  the  secret  now. 

I  do  not  know  what  put  such  an  idea  into  his  head. 
He  was  a  little  eccentric  any  way.     R.  I.  P. 

Tee  To  Tailors. 

I  am  indebted  to  the  late  Richard  Pius  ^Nliles,  Bishop 
of  Nashville,  for  the  heading  of  the  present  chapter.  The 
good  Dominican  bishop  was  the  gentleman  who  could 
enjoy  a  dry  joke  when  it  was  harmless.  I  made  his 
acquaintance  while  stationed  at  St.  Patrick's  Cathedral, 
New  York,  in  1852.*  A  •■  Tte  To  Tailor'''  is  a  sensible 
man,  who  has  set  his  face  against  the  miserable  and 
l)()isonous  compounds  sold  around  under  the  misnomers 
of  brandy,  rum,  gin,  whiskey,  Sherry  and  Port  wine, 
etc.,  etc.     Be  charij  of  all  such  sherry. 

Your  stomach  is  not  made  of  sole-leather,!  and  the 
fire  water  will,  sooner  or  later,  disorganize  it  past  rem- 
edy. Liquors  are  not  vf\\\xt  they  used  to  be.  Nineteem 
tn-entieths  of  them  never  saw  a  disiillery.  They  are  com- 
pounds, and  plenty  of  rank  poison  has  gone  into  the  mix. 
Scarcely  any  whiskey  without  kreamte.  What  do  you  say 
to  that  ?  Now  we  are  getting  nice  light  native  loines,  such 
a.s  Catawba,  California,  Reisling,  etc.     They  are  not^re 

*  While  at  the  cathedral  I  did  not  receive  the  first  cent  of  either 
salary  or  perquisites.     Who  is  to  answer? 

t  Not  strange  ;  that  a  man  with  three  "  schooners  "  of  lager  should 
rind  it  hard  to  navigate  when  he's  half  seas  over. 


48  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

loaters.  They  warm  you  gently,  but  they  do  not  inflame. 
Similia  similibus  curantur.  There  is  my  motto.  Like 
cures  like. 

Good  liquor,  l)y  which  I  mean  Catawba  and  native 
Avines,  will  help  wean  }'ou  off  from  the  infernal  j^?-e  waters 
that  are  now  sold  aronnd.  I  am  not  a  l)igot  of  the  so- 
called  modern  temperance  school.  I  know  that  there 
are  no  sins  so  offensive  as  those  of  other  people.*  I  be- 
lieve in/b^o- cardinal  virtues — ])rudence,  justice,  fortitude 
a7id  temperance  ;  iioiie  of  them  to  be  overlooked.  Of 
the  modem  temperance  movement,  I  say  what  the  old 
lady  said  when  asked  ^vhat  she  thought  of  the  doctnne 
of  ••  total  dc})ravit}-."  "It  is  a  very  good  doctrine,"  she 
replied,  "if  })eople  would  only  live  up  to  it."t 

"The  end  of  the  Christian  religion  is  not  to  teach  a 

*  Danbury  News  Man. 

t  "  Feeling  the  great  need  of  a  club  of  some  kind,"  says  J.  Billings, 
"I  have  organized  a  temperance  club.  The  pi-incipal  object  of  this 
clnb  is  to  cultivate  social  sentiments  without  the  aid  of  whiskey.  We 
solemnly  believe  that  whiskey  is  only  good  for  the  Indians.  All 
persons  making  application  for  admission  must  at  least  be  sober 
enough  to  be  ashamed  of  themselves.  Man  is  our  brother,  and  we 
haven't  learnt  yet  that  rum  has  destroyed  the  relationship.  No 
muzzles  on  man  or  kritter  allowed  in  this  club.  Members  taken  for 
one  sitting  for  the  purpose  of  getting  sobei-.  We  don't  believe  that 
law  evei"  kept  a  man  sober  long  ;  but  we  do  believe  that  entreaty  and 
example  has.  One  of  the  principal  objects  of  this  club  is  to  tind  out 
which  has  got  the  most  spii'it  in  it — a  man  or  a  quart  of  whiskey. 
No  one  who  belongs  to  this  club  is  obliged  to  eat  a  pound  of  salt  cod 
fish  and  not  feel  dry." 

All  the  colors  of  the  'spect-rum— a  toper's  nose. 

Spell  murder  backwards,  and  you  have  uneai-thed  the  "  Cain," 
that  is  to  say,  the  murderer. 


Ginger  Pop.  49 

system   of  morals,  but  to  train  men  for   heaven." — F, 
Fabtr.     Are  we  in  training  for  heaven  ? 

Ginger  Pop. 

'Best  substitute  for  strong  drink,* 

I  will  not,  like  Artemas  Ward  among  the  young  Shak- 
eresses,  invite  you  to  pla}^  '^ puss  in  the  corner,''^  but  only 
propose  some  conundrums.  Do  you  like  puzzles  ?  Here 
is  number  one  :  Why  is  a  bottle  of  champagne  minus  the 
cork  like  -an  orphan  ?  Ans.  Because  it  has  lost  its  pop. 
That  is  more  than  can  be  said  of  all  "  orphans."  Another 
conundrum:  "What  is  the  latin  for  goose?  AnserS' 
And  so  it  is.  Mr.  So-and-So  could  not  have  answered 
more  correctly.  Our  supply  is  not  exhausted.  A  few 
more  left,  as  the  "razor-strop  man"  used  to  say.  Who 
is  the  father  of  all  corn  ?  Answer.  Pop  coini.  That  is 
atrocious.  I  clipped  it  from  one  of  the  "  dailies."  But 
who  is  the  father  of  all  the  priests  in  America?  The 
newspapers  cannot  answer  that.  "Patsey"  would  tell 
us.  He  knows  full  well  that  we  would  not  have  to  go 
to  Rome  for  the  solution,  although  solutions  of  all  kinds 
generally  do  come  from  Rome.  Rome  unties  all  the 
hard  knots  for  the  world  at  large,  but  never  permits  any 
to  be  cut,  for  fear  the}-  should   come  again.     Let  us 

*  A  good  point  ag-ainst  themoderate  drinkers  was  made  by  a  little 
girl  at  Saratoga.  Replying  to  a  question  why  she  refused  the  wine 
when  it  was  passed  round,  that  "she  didn't  like  it,"  her  interlocutor 
rejoined  that  she  should  take  a  little  for  her  stomach's  sake.  "I 
ain't  dot  no  tommick's  ache,"  was  the  emphatic  and  indignant  ans- 
wer.— N.  Y.  Comtnei'dal  Advertiser. 
4 


50  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

always  avoid  unkind  cuts,  such  as  "Calendula"  will  not 
cure.  As  regards  the  question  that  is  now  up,  let  us 
without  further  delay  uncork  the  bottle  that  contains 
•'  Patsey's"  solution.  "If  you  want  to  tind  '  Pop,'  go  to 
Rhode  Island.'"  "Pop"  is  fond  of  old-fashioned  excla- 
mations, such  as,  "The  Lord  be  praised,"  *' Z)ow<me 
Deus,^^  etc.,  etc.  He  never  loses  his  ecpianiinity.  He  is 
somewhat  advanced  in  years  since  the  old  seminary  days, 
but  the  soubriquet  sticks  to  him.  He  was  considerably 
the  senior  of  all  of  us,  even  then,  and  his  bland  paternal 
way  with  us  secured  him  the  title.  He  belongs  to  the 
titled  nobility.  Should  this  meet  his  eye,  he  will  most 
likely  exclaim,  -'  bij  Ginger,^''  which,  according  to  Gury,* 
is  not  cursing.  I  don't  want  to  be  responsible  for  any 
cui-ses.  "Pop"  does  not  reside  in  Faith  street,  nor  in 
Charity  street,  but  in  "that  other"  street.  Both  the 
streets  and  the  people  have  queer  names  in  Providence. 
Some  of  the  people  have  '■'■  sweeV  names.  I  found,  too, 
quite  a  number  of  "■  JostlingH''''  in  the  Providence  direc- 
tory— distant  relations,  no  doubt,  f 

"  Legal  Cap." 

]My  manuscript  is  on  it.     Some  authors  are  of  the 
opinion  that  "  legal  cap  "  has  decided  advantages  over 

*  "Theologia  moralis." 

t  A  man  once  gave  me  bis  reason  for  not  "  coming  to  his  duty  "  at 
Easter.  "There  was,"  said  he  tome,  "  snch  a  josfZi??,.^  around  ray- 
confessional  that  he  could  not  get  near  it."  This  is  a  reminiscence 
of  8t.  Colihiiiba's  in  New  York,  where  I  once  remember  to  have  heard 
twelve  hours'  confessions  inside  of  twenty-four  hours. 


''Legal  Cap."  51 

''foolscap'^  for  purposes  of  composition.  As  regards 
'•  U'ual  cap"  ill  the  abstract,  the  specimens  I  have  seen  of 
it  arc  so  inferior,  that  it  has  lowered  itself  very  much  in 
uiy  estimation.  I  know  one  lawyer  who  transacted  liusi- 
m  ss  for  a  relative  of  mine,  whom  any  other  cap  would 
have  become  much  better  than  leffcd  cap.  He  is  said  to 
reside  in  Newark,  dines  on  divei-s  occasions  with  a  pronii- 
luiit  ecclesias.tic  there,  and  transacts  l)usiness  down  Broad- 
way, in  New  York.  He  is  a  good  deal  accustomed  to 
mind  other  people's  business,  and  hol)-nobs  with  B.  at 
times  about  mine.  Both  would  much  rather  see  me 
oeeu[)ied  with  something  else  besides  the  writing  of  this 
book.  ''Legal  cap "  and  his  friend  are  in  continual 
apprehension  lest  they  should  be  dragged  into  it.  So  is 
the  gentleman  with  whom  he  dines  in  Jersey.  They  all 
probably  wish  heartily  that  they  had  let  me  alone,  for  this 
book  is  only  the  feeler  for  another,  a  sort  of  trial  trip  to 
see  how  the  engine  works.  Even  ''big  engines^^  have 
to  make  "  trial  irips,^^  and  in  the  end  some  one  gets 
tripped.     I  can  only  sa}-  with  the in  the  fable  : 

"  If  this  play  is  unfair, 
Rememtier  I  didn't  begin  it." 

Legal  cap  often  does  awa}-  with  Iwth  foolscap  and 
percussion  cap,  which  caps  the  climax.* 

*  Brougham  once  facetiously  defined  a  lawyer  thus  :  "  A  learned 
gentleman,  who  rescues  your  estate  from  your  enemies,  and  keeps  it 
himself." 


52  Centenmal  Sj\Yrockets. 

The  Roaming  Collar. 

"  Eat  a  cat"  must  always  be  observed,  no  doubt,*  and 
^vhen  we  are  in  Rome,  we  imist  do  as  the  Romans  do. 
How  do  the  Romans  do  ?  Ask  them  how  they  do.  When 
we  are  in  Rome,  we  must  dress  as  the  Romans  do.  We 
must  wear  the  same  long  coats  or  whatever,  the  same 
broad-lirimmed  hats,  the  same  knee-l)reeches,  must  adopt 
the  same  g'aits  and  gestures  ;  but  above  all  things,  we 
must  wear  the  same  colhu-,  nuist  l)e  "  coUared  and,  cuffed^' 
as  they  are  "  collared  and  cufied."  The  "  roaming  col- 
lar" is  certainly  a  peculiar  institution.  It  is  now  con- 
siderabl}'  adopted  by  certain  miimters.  who  are  '^papists" 
all  hut  the  initial  p.  Phii/htr/  chuivh  should  l)e  left  to 
children.  This  oddity  of  a  colhir  marks  them  as  '^  high 
churchmen,"  and  this  distinguishing  mark  gives  rise  to 
no  little  "re-mark."  CacuUns  non  facit  monachum — 
"the  hood  does  not  make  the  monk"  any  more  than 
"  monkeyfying  "  altar  boys  with  scarlet  berettas  makes 
them  cardinals.  Once  only  I  did  mistake  one  of  those 
"dominies"  for  a  Catholic  priest,  but  it  w;is  not  by  his 
collar  that  I  judged  him.  He  made  the  sign  of  the  cross 
in  a  quasi  public  place  for  his  own  private  devotion,  and 
he  wore  the  collar.  His  master's  name,  if  he  had  a  mas- 
ter, was  not  inscribed  on  it.  A  pair  of  spectacles  in  ad- 
dition to  the  collar  helps  the  efFvct  very  much  ;   it  makes 

*  Father  Sodei-ini,  S.J.,  Indian  missionary  in  Oi-egon,  was  once  in- 
vited to  partake  of  dog  steio.  A  squaw  who  sat  next  to  him,  observ- 
ing his  hesitation,  licked  the  spoon  for  liim.  I  had  this  from  his  own 
lips.     He  had  the  si:)oon  from  hers. 


The  Mantle  of  Chabity.  53 

a  man  look  '■'■S.  collarlyy  Please  do  not  invite  me  to  a 
spelling  match.  I  might  share  the  fate  of  the  girl  in 
.Schenectady  who,  on  a  similar  occasion  recently,  gave  it 
up  on  "  pantaloons,"  and  went  to  the  foot  of  the  class, 
(xirls  are  not  admitted  to  Union  College,  unless,  like  my- 
self, they  happen  to  be  born  there.  I  ro{im  a  good  deal 
now,  but  I  do  not  wear  the  "  roaming  collai-."  I  prefer 
the  "Favorite"  (15i),  or  the  "Livingstone,"  or  the 
"  Florence,"  or  the  "■Jeane  Amerique,^^  or  any  of  the  turn- 
down collars. 

The  Mantle  of  Charity. 

"  God  help  the  poor,"  exclaimed  the  rich  grocer, 
alluded  to  in  a  former  chapter,  and  God  does  help  them. 
How  does  God  help  them  ?  Through  the  so-called 
charitable  institutions  and  societies  ?  JSfot  much,  accord- 
ing to  my  observation.  True,  some  of  them  boast  great 
names,  the  names  of  great  saints,  who,  in  their  own  lives, 
fulfilled  the  precept  of  charity  in  the  love  of  God  and 
their  neighbor,  and  the  fruits  by  which  they  were  known. 
But  I  doubt  if  St.  Vincent  of  Paul  would  have  satisfied 
his  conscience  with  comforting  extreme  destitution  with 
an  officious  inquisitive  visit,  backed  by  fifty  cents  a  week, 
two  loaves  of  hard  bread,  and  a  small  pittance  of  coal  in 
mid-winter.  Who,  then,  really  help  the  poor?  Insti- 
tutions ?  Not  much.  Poor  relief  societies  ?  Not  much. 
Hospitals  ?  Heaven  save  the  mark.  The  poor  help  the 
poor.  God's  poor  get  their  most  real  and  substantial  and 
adequate  assistance  from  those  who  ai-e  but  little  if  any 
better  off  than  themselves, — their  own  companions  in  mis- 


54  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

ery  and  destitution, — ofttinies  their  fellow-lodgers.  God 
help  the  poor,  for  sham  is  so  potent,  even  sham  cliarity. 
that  the  poor  must  needs  help  themselves. 

The  Seal  of  Confession. 

The  world  at  large  have  a  veiy  faint  idea  of  the  sacred 
obligation  of  inviolaljle  and  everlasting  secrecy  that  at- 
taches to  the  "  seal  of  confession,''^  as  it  is  called  in 
Catholic  theology.  The  griat  Latin  father,*  St.  Augus- 
tine, has  given  us  a  notion  of  it :  Qiice  per  confessionem 
seta,  minus  scio  quam  quae  Jiescio. — S.  Aug.  ;  that  is  to 
say,  "those  things  which  I  know  l)y  confession,  I  know 
less,  than  the  things  that  I  do  not  know  at  all."  How, 
you  ask,  can  that  be  ?  I  answer,  l)ecause  what  I  do  not 
know  at  all  I  am  at  liberty  to  snsped ;  but  the  knowl- 
edge of  something  which  I  get  by  hearing  the  confession 
of  a  penitent,  I  am  not  even  at  liberty  to  suspect,  when 
once  his  confession  is  over  and  done  with.  But  what  is 
confession  ?  To  accuse  ourselves  of  our  sins  to  a  priest, 
in  order  to  receive  absolution.  You  see,  then,  how  invio- 
lable is  the  secrec}^  of  confession,  to  how  many  embar- 
rassments it  must  sometimes  expose  the  priest ;  some- 
times to  the  risking  of  his  own  life  or  reputation.  Come 
what  will,  the  seal  of  confession  must  be  held  inviolable. 
I  am  bound  sooner  to  commit  myself,  than  to  conmiit 
my  penitent.  There  has  been  ai  least  one  martyr  to  the 
"seal  of  confession," — St.  John  Nepomucene.  He  sacri- 
ficed his  own  life  to  that  inviolable  secrecy  of  the  sacred 

*  What  forbids  me  to  call  him  the  great  African  father? 


Uses  of  a  Church.  55 

tribunal,  and  now  he  is  the  martyr  in  heaven,  who, 
when  invoked,  \)YoieciQ. reputations*  I  believe  that  there 
have  been  other  martyrs  to  the  seal  of  confession  who 
are  known  onlij  to  God.  To  tritle  with  the  seal  of  con- 
fession would  be  one  of  the  greatest  of  crimes. 

Uses  of  a  Church. 

There  are  a  class  of  the  community — and  a  large 
class— who .  regard  churches  and  priests  as  mere  conven- 
zences,  very  good  in  their  way,  l:)ut  good  in  so  far  as  they 

sen'e  a  turn  ;  like  the  late  Mr.  D ,  who  introduced  me 

to  his  family  of  young  ladies  as  the  "  head  of  all  the  Irish 

people  in  Bloomfield."     Mr.  T y  wrote  to  the  Daihj 

Advertiser  that  "the  Catholic  priest  was  F.  Joslin,  a 
great  advocate  of  temperance.^''  I  replied,  in  the  next 
issue,  that  I  preferred  to  l)e  called  "«  great  advocate  for 
the  Roman  Catholic  religion.''''  That  of  course  did  not  suit 
quite  so  well.  There  w^as  less  of  the  police  ofBcer  about  it. 
Of  the  two,  I  would  rather  be  "  head  centre  "  than  police 
officer.  True,  I  held  the  reins,  but  not  for  the  conven- 
iei5ce  of  those  who  valued  my  services  in  that  capacity 
more  than  they  valued  the  salvation  of  their  own  souls. 
The  more  a  priest  will  allow  himself  to  be  made  the  tool 
of  a  clique,  the  better  the  clique  will  like  him.  They 
will  love  him  as  the  Fiji  Island  cannibals  love  a  good  fat 
missionary,  and  give  him  demonstrations  of  their  affec- 
tions so  soon  as  the  sermon  is  over  ; — then  send  entreaties 

*"A  slander,"  says  J.  Billings,  '*is  like  a  hornet;  if  you  can't 
kill  it  dead  the  first  blow,  you  better  not  strike  at  it." 


o6  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

to  headquarters  for  moreof  the  same  calibre.*  They  will 
love  him  as  the  Chinese  love  the  Testaments  and  convert 
them  into  slippers.  My  second  or  third  Sunday  in  Mont- 
clair,  a  boy  came  to  me  with  a  notice  to  put  in  the  porch  ; 
his  father  had  lost  a  hog,  and  wanted  to  recover  him.  I 
respectfully  declined  being  '' mi gtneiis^^  myself. 

A  Church  without  a  Friend. 

How  many  of  our  Catholic  churches  look  as  though 
tlipy  had  not  got  a  friend.  How  much  good  would  be 
done  if,  in  all  the  great  watering  places  and  public  re- 
sorts, the  Catholic  church  was  kept  always  open,  with 
our  Lord  in  the  Blessed  Sacament  accessible,  the  altars 
clean  and  tidy,  and  the  •'  Lamp  of  the  Sanctuary  "f  prop- 
erly minded.  Such  a  church  would  do  more  good  than 
many  of  the  so-called  ''missions.'''  Where  now  are  the 
Father  Varellas  and  :Muppiattis  of  the  old  Transfigura- 
tion church  in  New  York  ? 

Altar  Boys. 

Some  of  my  old  penitents  are  now  pnesfs,  some  are 
bishops,  some  are  archbishops.    Some  of  iiiy  old  altar  boys 

*  In  an  account  of  his  adventures  in  the  Ujiper  Nile,  Colonel  Long, 
of  the  Egjqitian  army,  says  that  the  black  King  of  Niam  Niam  de- 
capitated 30  of  his  subjects  in  honor  of  the  visitor,  who  also  accejited 
a  girl  as  a  royal  gift.  Through  an  interpreter  she  said :  "  I  want 
very  much  to  go  with  you,  but  it  must  be  on  condition  that  you  will 
not  eat  me."  The  Colonel  said  he  wouldn't  eat  her  on  any  considera- 
tion. 

+  In  a  little  work  bearing  the  above  title,  atti-ibuted  to  Cardinal 
Wiseman,  the  use  oi  (jas  around  altars  is  inveighed  against. 


A  D  VICE.  57 

are  now  priests,  some  are  lawyers,  some,  for  all  that  I 
know,  are  dispensers  of  murderous  drugs ;  they  have 
taken  tlie  degree  of  M.D.  I  am  proud  of  all  my  ex-altar 
boys  that  I  knoAV  anything  about.  1  meet  them  fiom 
time  to  time.  Men  with  families  introduce  themselves  to 
me  here  and  there  as  having  at  one  time  in  their  lives 
served  mass  for  me.  One  of  them,  whom  I  met  recently, 
reminded  me  how  I  once  told  them  that  such  boys  are 
apt  to  turn  out  either  angels  or  devils^  very  much  altered 
boys. 

Advice. 

Advice  in  general  is  almost  as  cheap  as  sympathy,  and 
the  latter  can  be  found  in  au}^  dictionary.  Advice  in 
general  is  about  the  cheapest  consolation  we  can  offer  to 
our  neighbor  in  adversity.  It  costs  us  nothing.  We 
paid  nothing  for  it,  and  consequently  we  charge  ^lothing 
for  it,  and  it  is  generally  regarded  as  a  mark  of  high  in- 
gratitude to  disregard  or  undervalue  it.  Oh,  how  cheap 
is  talk  !  On  the  door  of  how  many  hearts  is  hung  out 
the  sign.  Advice  gratis.  It  should  ho,  advice  grate  us ; 
for  nothing  grates  more  harshly  on  the  ears  of  poor  souls 
in  want  of  substantial  assistance.  Not  that  the  donor  un- 
dervalues it.  He  flatters  his  inferior  nature  with  the 
conceit  that  1m  judgment  and  experience  is  of  untold 
value,  worth  indeed  more  than  money,  forgetting  the 
golden  rule  that  circumstances  alter  cases,  and  most  of 
all,  hard  cases.  The  veiy  man  who  confiscates  your 
property  will  have  at  the  end  of  his  tongue  a  good  advice 
for  you  :  how  to  get  along ;  what  avocation  suits  you 


58  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

best  to  pursue  ;  how  to  practice  economy  ;  how  to  avoiil 
extravagance ;  what  hotel  to  patronize  as  best  suiting 
your  income,  etc.  Economy  is  indeed  his  hobby,  and 
that  horse  gets  ridden  fairly  to  death.  People  in  com- 
fortal^le  circumstances  in  this  world  are,  as  a  I'ule,  the 
most  rigid  economists.  They  are  always  worrying  lest 
sooner  or  later  they  should  not  have  enough.  But  giv- 
ing advice  always  soothes  and  tranquilizes  their  con- 
science, which  pricl«  and  goads  them  all  the  time  with 
the  admonition  to  help  and  assist.  This  advicc-bnsiness 
acts  as  a  narcotic  to  conscience,  and  hushes  remorse  to 
sleep.  Like  another  favorite  narcotic,  it  all  ends  in 
smoke,  drying  up  the  fountains  of  Catholic  charity  as 
effectually  as  smoke  dries  ilp  the  muscles  and  sinews  of 
a  piece  of  beef.  Smoked  beef  is  Avholesome  and  nutri- 
tious ;  Hinolced  Jiearl  is  tfuite  the  reverse.*  Onines  qnm 
sua  sunt  qucerunl.  '•  All  seek  the  things  which  are  their 
OAvn."  The  great  Dcjctor  of  the  Gentiles  had  an  idea  of 
the  whole  thing  ;  only  he  said  it  would  be  worse  coming 
ou  the  end  of  the  AV(nld. 

"  God  help  the  poor !  "  exclaimed  the  rich  grocer 
when  the  Avater  aajis  freezing  in  the  gutters,  and  the  harsh 
north-easter  blew  a  chill  blast ;  only  he  quietly  admon- 
ished his  sou  to  put  up  the  coal  another  two  cents  a  pail. 

*  "This  fa-ther,"  said  a  good  Redemptoi'ist  in  Baltimore  to  the  late 
Mr.  Caswell,  as  he  showed  to  him  his  poverty-stricken  room,  "this 
father  has  one  poor  bed,  and  a  table  and  chair ;  bnt  he  has  piece  of 
heart,  and  that  is  all  he  wants."  I  am  sure  he  did  not  mean  smoked 
heart,  which  is  dry  and  shriveled. 


Consistency.  59 


Consistency. 


This  precious  jewel  is  derived  from  two  Latin  words, 
con  and  sido^  meaning  to  ^tand  or  lioJd  together.  Con- 
sequently, everything  that  holds  together  and  agrees 
rightly  with  itself  in  mutual  adaptation  of  parts  is  con- 
sistent. What  does  not  agree  rightly  with  itself  is  not 
consistent,  is  as  they  say  incousistent.  We  do  not  find 
overmuch  (tonsistency  in  tlie  world,  because  there  is  not 
overmuch  of  "  sober  earnest."  Compromise,  in  one 
shape  or  another,  is  the  order  of  the  day.  A  little  the 
friend  of  everyI)ody,  and  not  too  much  the  friend  of  any- 
body, meets  all  the  requirements  of  expediency.  Policy 
rules — forgetful  that  there  are  i)rinciplcs  that  are  irrecon- 
cilable. .There  are  great  and  fundamental  principles 
that  are  totally  irreconcilable  ;  and  so,  also,  there  are 
principles  of  comparatively  minor  moment  that  are  irre- 
concilable. My  own  disposition  (jis  well  as  I  am  the 
judge  of  it)  has  always  run  in  the  direction  of  absolute 
consistency.  When  radically  opposed  to  anything,  I 
Avas  opposed  to  it  up  and  down,  and  in  all  its  l)earings, 
relations  and  ramilications.  I  could  never  believe  that 
an  evil  tree  could  bring  forth  good  fruit.  No  considera- 
tion could  induce  me  to  approve,  in  the  remotest  degree, 
of  Avhat,  in  my  inmost  convictions,  I  disapproved  of  or 
regarded,  in  the  common  but  expressive  language  of  the 
day,  as  humbug.  Having  the  faith  of  God,  and  the  faith 
of  a  well-tried  Roman  Catholic  in  the  Catholic  Church, 
T  cordd  never  find  it  in  me  to  have  what  my  fi'iend  McG. 
has  aptly  designated  as  "faith  for  buncomb."     Some  are 


60  CeNTEXXTAL   SKYROCKErS. 

very  critical  about  the  faith  of  their  neighbor,  and,  for 
every  pretext  that  suits  their  purpose,  raise  the  mad-clog 
hue  and  cry,  "  O,  he  is  losing  his  faith."  "  I  will  not 
hurt  thee,"  said  the  Quaker  to  the  dog,  "but  I  will  give 
thee  a  bad  name."  But  the  bad  name  killed  the  poor 
dog.  ''  I  will  not  hurt  thee,"  says  another,  "  but  1  will 
throw  Jersey  nuid  at  thee  ;  and  if  I  throw  enough,  per- 
chance some  of  it  will  stick."  Forthwith  a  long,  serious 
face  whispers,  "  he  is  losing  his  faith."  If  he  was  losing 
his  faith  he  would  not  trouble  himself  to  Avrite  this  liook, 
which  is  a  great  act  of  faith,  as  the  Spaniards  ex[)ress  it, 
auto  da  fe.  But  you  critic  of  true  faith,  have  you  the 
•'  faith  of  God"  in  your  heart  of  hearts,  or  is  your  faith 
for  something  else,  just  mentioned  a  page  or  so  back  ? 
As  regards  my  faith,  it  has  been  tried  in  the  furnace  of 
tribulation  and  many  adversities  and  contradictions,  and 
it  is  only  more  flourishing  and  vigorous,  and,  with  the 
help  of  God,  it  will  stand.  I  am  a  practical  Catholic  : 
for  nothing  ever  yet  kept  me  from  going  to  confession 
regularly  and  practicing  my  Catholic  religion.  My  faith 
is  all  I  have  to  stand  on.  It  is  very  precious  to  me.  I 
judge  it  by  its  fruits.  I  judge  myself  by  my  acts,  which 
are  acts  that  could  not  be  except  for  faith. 

In  the  meantime  I  am  consistent.  In  things  that  are 
out  of  the  domain  of  faith,  and  are  no  necessary  part  or 
parcel  of  the  Catholic  religion,  I  am  consistently  opposed  to 
what  I  do  not  like  ;  and  nothing  will  ever  induce  me  to  say 
that  black  is  iv?iite.  Are  you  a  Catholic  ?  Faith,  and  I  am  ; 
do  not  doubt  it.  I  wish  I  had  more  charity  ;  my  faith  is 
beyond  peradventure.     Deus  in  adjutorium  meum  intende. 


Single  Blessedness. 


Celibacy.  61 

Celibacv.* 

The  following  scene  is  alleged  to  have  been  enacted  in 
the  "  old  country  :  "  Pastor  and  curate  were  examining 
the  children  in  catechism.  "  What  is  matrimony  ?  "  Up 
jumps  an  ui'chin  :  "  A  middle  state  of  souls  suffering  for 
a  time  on  account  of  their  sins."  "  Go  to  the  foot  of  the 
class  immediately,"  shouted  the  c-uiate.  "Leave  him 
alone,"  said  the  parish  priest ;  "  for  all  that  cither  you  or 
I  know,  he  may  be  perfectly  right."!  Since  it  was  first 
declared  not  good  for  a  man  "to  be  alone,"  Adam\'^  Ex- 
press  Company  has  been  extensively  patronized|  by  all 
except  Catholic  priests. 

"  Cailebs''  never  gets  married:  The  Church  says  that 
he  must  not.  The  Church  is  right.  The  Church  wishes 
for  every  priest  what  St.  Paul  wished  for  Titus  :  "I wish 
you  to  be  without  soticitude.'^     A  man  who  is  married 

*  "It  is  a  solemn  thing-  to  be  married,"  said  Aunt  Rachel,  a  solemn 
spinstei-,  to  her  niece.  "  It's  a  good  deal  more  solemn  not  to  be," 
replied  the  g\vL—Annn. 

t  Here  is  another  instance  of  juvenile  precocity  which  occurred  at 
a  school  examination.  "  Who  make  the  laws  for  the  country  1 " 
Congress.  "How  is  Cong-i-ess  divided?"  After  quite  a  pause,  up 
goes  a  hand  ;  well,  Sallie,  give  us  the  answer.  ''Into  civilized,  half 
civilized  and  savage."  If  the  greater  the  truth  the  greater  the  libel, 
is  there  not  matter  here  for  a  prosecution  1  Dr.  Brownson  used  to 
say,  the  church  never  persectites,  she  prosecutes."  Some  of  our  sepa- 
rated brethren  may  regard  this  as  a  distinction  without  a  difference. 

X  Adam  introduces  himself  to  Eve  :  ''Madam,  I'm  Adam."  Reads 
backwards  the  same.  The  author  was  once  a  member  of  the  "Am- 
erican Express  Company." 


62  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

cannot  be  without  solicitude.  Will  the  Church  never 
relax  this  discipline  ?  I  think  not.  And  if  she  did,  hoAv 
many,  think  you,  would  avail  themselves  of  it?  Few,  if 
any.  It  is  against  Catholic  instinct.  Let  the  pnesl  be 
free  as  the  day  is  k)ng.  That  is  the  instinct  of  every 
Catholic  heart.  Let  the  priest  be  free.  Let  us  be  very 
kind  to  priests.  That  is  the  natural  impulse  of  every 
Catholic  heart.  But  to  see  a  priest  in  any  way  fettered, 
and  harassed,  and  annoyed,  that  is  against  the  natural 
mstinct  of  a  Catholic  heart.  "I  do  not  want  any  man 
to  tyrannize  over  you,"  said  once  an  old  Catholic  man  to 
me,  shaking  his  fist,  and  suiting  action  to  words;  "I 
don't  want  any  man  to  tyrannize  over  you."  He  was  a 
man  who  neglected  his  confession,  but  he  took  a  great 
interest  in  me.  That  is  the  Catholic  instinct.  Whatever 
is  most  for  the  ficedoni  and  happiness  of  every  priest. 
"Are  you  married,  sir?"  said  a  certain  agent  once  to 
me,  in  a  business  transaction.  Of  course  he  did  not  know 
that  I  was  a  priest.  "  Xo,"  I  answered,  "I  am  not  mar- 
ried, and  never  expect  to  Ije."  "I  do  not  see  why  no/," 
he  replied.  "  I  suppose  you  are  married,"  said  to  me  an 
old,  old  gentleman  whom  I  met  on  the  steamboat.  "No, 
not  at  all,"  said  I.  --Then  you  are  an  old  l)ach(-'lor." 
"  Yes,  if  you  choose  to  call  me  so."'  '•  AVell,  I  don't  see 
what  else  I  can  call  you."  He  was  a  good  old  man.  had 
no  idea  who  I  was.  and  his  parting  salutation  to  me  on 
the  dock  was  :  "  ]\lay  you  live  to  do  a  great  deal  of 
good."  The  Church  knows  wdiat  is  best.  Once  in  a 
great  while  a  rampant  coelebs  takes  it  into  his  head  to 


Monkshood.  63 

run  away  and  "  get  married/'  and  there  is  a  time  in  the 
papers.     Is  that  sensible  ?  *     (See  Appendix.) 

Monkshood. 

Aconite  has  taken  its  place  at  the  head  of  the  materia 
medim,  with  a  certain  growing  and  influential  school  of 
medicine.  Aconite  has  supplanted  the  lancet.  So  they 
say  ''  Hie  jacet  Sangrado^^  is  inscribed  on  the  tombstone 
of  that  old  and  celebrated  practitioner  of  Gil  Bias  noto- 
riety. This  Monk's  Hood  has  become  a  great  favorite. 
Peopk'  now-a-days  are  not  so  easily  /joocZ-winked.  It 
has  become  more  difficult  to  pull  wool  over  their  eyes. 
They  know  that  the  hood  does  not  invariably  make  the 
monk,  though  many  a  monk  would  thank  you  for  the 
makings  of  a  hood.  Some,  judging  from  the  character 
of  the  present  work,  might  suppose  that  it  was  itself  the 
makings  of  a  Hood.  Poor  Tom's  a-c(dd.  He  did  not 
do  it.  A  Monk,  if  you  choose,  but  not  a  Hood,  is  re- 
sponsible for  this  digest;  which,  after  all,  might  have 
been  better  digested  before  it  went  to  press.  What  a 
pity  the  press  Avould  not  do  the  rest  of  the  work,  leaving 
only  the  '' stearine^''  to  furnish  "•adamantine''''  light. 
"What  is  all  this  row  al)out?"  exclaimed  a  passer-by, 
as  he  observed  a  negro  struggling  in  a  crowd  with  the 
(nlicers  of  a  whaling  vessel.  "  Pressing  a  poor  nigger  to 
get  oil,"  was  the  prompt  reply.  Here  you  have  the  oil 
without  any  pressing,  withal  some  -presfi  icorh.     You  Avill 

*  On  this  and  soyie  other  points  of  ecclesiastical  discipline,  if  one 
grives  himself  the  trouble  to  inquire  of  the  Church,  "What  are  you 
g-idng-  to  do  by  us  % "  echo  answers,  dubious.     All  cannot  be  Greeks. 


64  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

find  it  far  superior  to  the  oil  of  ^^  Jew  JSfip^per''^  for  raising 
yoiii-  spirits. 

Human  and  Inhuman. 

Some  people  are  too  spiritual  for  anything.  They  a  c 
too  ffood  for  this  workl.  Thev  foro-et  that  if  all  tlcsh  i.s 
not  literally  grass,  as  the  horse  said  when  he  bit  the  niau's 
leg,  that,  to  say  the  least,  all  men  are  made  of  tlesh  and 
blood  animated  by  a  living  soul.  St.  Paul  himself  tells 
us  that  anti-christ  divides  Christ ;  that  is  to  say,  errs  on 
one  side  by  forgetting  that  he  is  really  God,  and  on  the 
other  side  by  overlooking  the  fact  that  he  is  really  a  man 
with  human  affections  and  sympathies.  His  human  side 
is  the  side  that  wins  us,  and  draws  men  to  Him,  and  here 
is  the  grand  secret  of  the  next  to  omnipotent  power  exerted 
by  the  Blessed  Virgin,  from  whom  he  took  his  iceaJc  side. 

Cain  and  Abel. 
My  "  Club  "  is  as  exclusive  as  a  certain  order,  and  h;H? 
always  been  intolerant  of  meddlers.  I  have  certainly  had 
men  in  my  employ,  at  different  times,  who  were  too  big 
for  their  own  shoes,  and,  were  such  a  thing  possible  for 
them,  would  have  been  glad  to  have  stepped  into  mine.* 

*In  days  of  yore,  before  Arch.  Hughes  put  down  the  "trustee' 
system,  some  "  rampunctious "  Germans  are  said  to  have  reliellea 
and  barred  the  church  against  the  pnest.  On  the  following  Sunday, 
as  the  story  goes,  one  of  the  "trustees"  put  on  the  vestments  and 
proceeded  to  sing  "  High  Mass,"  and  acquitted  himself  with  so  i^uch 
eclat  that  they  declared  he  sang  "  longe  meliorl  modo  qvani  sacerdote" 
far  better  than  the  pi-iest.  I  heard  this  fi-om  my  old  friend  Dr.  Nelli- 
gan.  Should  this  meet  his  eye  he  \vill  see  that  I  do  not  foi-get  him.  He 
was  my  successor  with  Father  McAleei"  at  St.  Columba's,  New  York. 


B.  Sebastian  of  Apparzio.  65 

Some  of  them  were  sleek,  oil}'  fellows,  polished  up  till 
you  could  almost  see  3^our  face  in  them.  They  were 
raised  on  the  bottle,  wheu  they  should  have  been  raised 
oii  the  boot.  The  caption  of  this  article  reminds  me  of 
one  of  them,  by  reason  of  similarity  of  name.  But  I 
proved  "«5/e"  for  him,  and  after  all  he  did  not  succeed 
in  getting  the  upper  hand.     I  was  the  wrong  "  Munny 


B.  Sebastian  of  Apparzio. 

Mr.  Klauser,  in  Sixth  avenue,  did  me  the  favor  to 
photograph  a  representation  of  the  Blessed  Sebastian  of 
Apparzio,  a  wonderful  Franciscan  lay  brother,  Avho  once 
lived  in  Mexico,  raised  oxen,  and  made  heaps  of  money 
on  them ;  but  raised,  for  obvious  reasons,  no  family, 
though  nominally  twice  married,  past  the  age  of  sixty. 
His  countenance  and  features  are  indeed  most  remarka- 
able.  An  eccentric  person  once  mailed  back  his  picture 
to  me,  ''Did  not  like  saints  icith  hook  noses.^'  I  do  like 
him,  and  have  great  confidence  in  his  prayers.  I  once 
wrote  to  a  lady,  "  I  inclose  to  you  the  picture  of  Blessed 
Sebastian  of  Apparzio."  As  it  happened,  however,  I 
inclosed  my  own  carte  visite  instead,  which  chanced  to 
be  lying  on  the  table.  Lady  herself  had  never  seen  me 
nor  my  picture.  She  only  remarked  to  her  mother,  that 
Blessed  Sebastian  ''did  not  have  a  very  mediceval  look 
about  him.'''' 

5 


66  Centennial  ^Skyrockets. 

Saint  Martin. 

The  Neiv  York  Herald  of  July  10,  1875,  contains  the 
foUowing  paragraph :  "  St.  Ignatius  Loyola  is  now  the 
patron  saint  of  Buenos  Ayres  vice  St.  Martin,  sometime 
Bishop  of  Tours,  removed.  Martin  did  not  keep  away 
the  yellow  fever  nor  the  smallpox,  didnt  give  rain  ivhen 
they  wanted  it,  nor  stop  it  ichen  they  had  too  much.  So 
they  have  displaced  him,  and  will  try  our  friend  Ignatius.'^ 
Now  I  am  going  to  tell  you  what  I  know  about  St.  Mar- 
tin, for  I  cannot  let  him  pass  with  any  such  notice  as 
that  ;  and,  rememher,  I  do  not  indorse  any  such  way  of 
speaking  of  cither  him  or  St.  Ignatius ;  for  as  St.  Philip 
Neri  used  to  say,  when  he  heard  an}-  one  speaking  lightly 
about  the  Saints,  "Play  with  children,  but  let  the  Saints 
alone,"  3firabilis  Deus  in  Sanctis  suis :  "  God  is  won- 
derful in  His  Saints."  You  hnd  God  oftentimes  more 
readily  by  seeking  Him  in  the  hearts  of  His  Saints,  w'here 
He  reposes,  than  you  do  by  seeking  Him  alone.  If  I 
may  be  allowed  the  expression,  God  is  not  so  fond  of 
being  found  alone.  His  Blessed  Mother,  Most  Holy 
Mary,  has  Him  always  in  her  heart,  and  you  can  always 
tind  Him  there.  The  same  is  true  of  His  Saints,  who 
reign  with  Him  forever.  To  one  He  said  once,  -'You 
will  tind  me  in  the  heart  of  Gertrude."  He  meant  St. 
Gertrude,  the  daughter  of  St.  Itta — mother  and  daugh- 
ter  both   saints. 

Now,  what  al)out  St.  Martin  ?  What  1  am  going  to 
tell  you  happened,  to  my  own  personal  knowledge,  in 
1857.     I  was  then  stationed  at  the  Church  of  St.  Co- 


Saint  Martin.  G7 

luiiil)a,  ill  New  York,  where  Father  McAleer  and  my- 
self made  one  team,  impelled  by  mntnal  "  S.  team." 
AVe  never  earried  more  than  just  so  many  pounds  to  the 
Siuiare  inch.  But  we  could  l)eat  anv  craft  in  our  neiiih- 
borhood.  At  that  time  the  parish  was  bounded  on  the 
east  by  the  Jesuits,  on  the  west  by  the  North  river,  on 
the  north  by  the  Holy  Cross,  on  the  south  by  St.  Josephs. 
There  was  a  tield  foi"  sick  calls  for  }0u.  I  will  not  ven- 
ture to  say  how  many  times  in  one  night  I  have  been 
called  up  to  attend  the  sick  and  dying.  But  that  mutual 
"  8.  team  "  carried  us  safely  through  all,  and  all  helped 
each  other.  Do  not  doubt  it.  One  of  my  altar  boys 
there  was  a  Martin.  He  is  -now  a  priest — F.  Martin 
Br()[)h}'.  He  was  a  great  favorite  with  old  Father 
Ouiroy.     So  was  I. 

But  what  al)out  Saint  Martin  ?  Patience,  reader ; 
you  do  not  give  me  time  to  take  breath.  Well,  Novem- 
ber, 1857,  if  I  don't  mistake  the  j^ear.  Rev.  Eugene , 

who  had  also  been  my  penitent,  was  ordained  priest,  and 
came  to  say  his  first  masses  at  St.  Coluni1)a's.  On  Mar- 
tinmas, Nov.  11th,  before  going  to  vest  himself  for  mass, 
he  came  to  me  as  I  was  about  entering  my  confessional, 
and  interrogated  me,  -'For  what  special  intention  do  you 
wish  me  to  celebrate  mass  /  "  I  replied  :  "  Of  your  char- 
ity say  mass  that  St.  Martin  will  send  me  wherewith  to 
help  the  poor  this  coining  winter."  The  iiniss  was  cele- 
byiited,  and  I  did  not  see  the  celebrant  again  till  even- 
ing. Having  heard  a  o-ood  lot  of  confessions,  the  Sfime 
as  every  morning.  I  weni  into  the  house  to  breakfast. 
Cup  as  usnal  was  inverted  in  saucer  on  the  table,  and  on 


68  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

lop  oftbo  eup  was  a  letter,  wliieli  I  opened.  Rev.  J.  II. 
C,  a  Redemptorist  father,  then  in  Annapolis,  one  of  my 
own  converts,  "whcse  father  had  died  and  left  hiin  a  for- 
tune, had  sent  me  $100  "wherewith  to  assist  the  poor 
who  would  tloek  to  me  that  coininu'  wint(M-."  How 
(juiekly  God  had  responded  to  that  mass,  which  had  been 
ofiercd  to  Him  in  the  honor  o(  St.  Martin! 

Amusement. 

It  is  related  of  St.  John  the  Evano'elist  that  a  younii; 
archer  found  him  one  day  playing  with  a  hawk,  and  ex- 
pressed some  surprise  that  so  holy  a  man  :uid  an  apostle 
of  our  Lord  would  he  found  diveiting  iiimself  in  that 
wa>'.  St.  John  quietly  asked  hinj  whether  he;  kept  his 
bow  always  bent.  "  Certainly  not."  "Why?"  "Because 
it  would  lose  its  elasticity."  ""Well,"  replied  the  saint, 
"  and  }'ou  expect  more  of  me  tlian  }()U  do  of  that.  I,  too, 
would  lose  my  elasticity  if  I  had  no  rehixation  of  mind." 
There  are  some  who  expect  of  a  priest  having  the  care  of 
souls  what  the  }()ung  archer  expected  of  St.  John,  aud 
they  express  tacitly  or  otiierwise  the  same  surpiise  if  they 
see  him  at  any  time  with  his  bow  mibent.  They  would 
like  to  see  him  always  tied  up,  and  peichance  hear  con- 
tinually the  "  moaning  of  the  tied."  Had  they  lived  un- 
der the  old  dispi^nsation,  they  would  have  been  the  very 
ones  to  muzzle  the  mouth  of  the  ox  when  he  was  tread- 
ing out  the  corn.  It  alwa^^s  did  me  good  to  go  aw*y 
occasionally  for  a  few  (hns  where  no  one  w^ould  know  or 
suspect  w'ho  or  what  I  was,  and  study  the  world  witliont 
spectacles.     You  know  I  abominate  judging  everything 


Sta  g  na  Ti  o  X.  69 

by  its  looks.  I  know,  too,  that  ordinarilij  it  is  difficult 
for  u  priest  to  be  incog.  As  Father  Augustine  Dantner 
used  to  say,  let  neither  a  priest  nor  a  Jew  attempt  to  dis- 
guise themselves.  But  then  I  held  aloof  from  what  is 
called  the  "  roaming  coUary 

Once  on  a  time,  a  long,  long  while  ago,  when  I  used 
to  be  "scrupulous,''  my  brother  wanted  me  to  accom- 
pany him  to  the  opera.  They  were  going  to  have  a 
grand  mock  procession  of  monks  and  nuns,  etc.  He 
thought  that  would  be  an  inducement.  But  I  demurred. 
"  They  will  know  that  I  am  a  priest."  "  AVell,"  said  he, 
"  then  go  '  in  the  disguise  of  a  gentleman.^  "  Reader,  did 
you  ever  meet  me  in  the  disguise  of  a  gentleman  f 

And  still,  I  always  felt  gratified  more  than  I  can  ex- 
press, when  any  one,  despite  exterior,  would  feel  that  I 
was  a  priest.  One  cold  December  day,  I  passed  through 
Newark  on  foot,  well  mutfled  in  fur.  A  party  of  "  green- 
horns "  came  behind  me.  An  old  woman  pulled  me  by 
the  arm.  "  I  thought,  sir,  you  were  a  priest,  jjecause  my 
heart  warmed  up  to  you." 

I  suppose  that  was  what  I  once  heard  F.  Senez  speak 
of  as  the  ^'■attraction  of  graced 

Attralio  attrahere  attraxi  attractum. 

I  am  not  so  ungrateful  as  to  forget  my  '■'■grammar.'''' 
She  lived  to  the  age  of  ninety-four,  and  was  a  living  his- 
tor}^  of  the  scenes  and  incidents  of  the  Revolutionary  war. 

Stagnation. 
Nations  have  become  numerous  and  diverse.    The  land 
of  Ire  will  never  give  John  Bull  any  peace  till  he  says, 


70  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

^^You^re  a  nation.''^  The  greatest  of  iiU  European  poAvere 
just  at  this  present  appears  to  be  Stag  Nation.  Stagna- 
tion moves  by  the  vvi  inertice.  I  have  been  often  de- 
lighted with  the  little  deer  in  the  Congress  Spring  Park 
at  Saratoga,  some  twenty-two  miles  from  my  birthplace. 
Those  little  deer  belong  to  the  Stag  Nation.  They  do 
not  act  like  it.  though,  for  they  are  always  on  the  alert, 
and  their  motions  are  lively.  They  seemed  to  be  in  a  great 
panic  when  the  Columbian  Hotel  was  on  fire  last  Septem- 
ber (1874).  Fire  always  makes  a  panic,  especially  among 
the  Stag  Nation.  The  proverbial  "  ladybug^^  of  the  old 
rhyme  is  not  so  easily  scared  ;*  but  proceeds  forthwith  to 
the  scene  of  action,  to  see  to  the  safety  of  the  family. 

I  nuist  stop.  In  the  present  state  of  the  business  world 
it  is  not  safe  to  indulge  in  a  jeu  d'esprit  on  the  serious 
subject  of  statjnation. 

SOLOMOX,    SOLOMOX. 

A  little  boy,  being  asked  which  were  the  three  princi- 
pal feasts  of  the  Jews,  promptly  replied,  "Breakfast,  din- 
ner and  supper."  My  great-grandfather  was  a  Jacobs. 
He  was  a  privateer  during  the  American  revolution. 
Only  for  his  good  luck  and  skill  in  saving  his  neck  he 
might  have  got  suspended.  He  wjis  not  a  Jew  that  I 
am  aware  of,  though  it  did  seem  to  me  at  times  as  though 
some  Jewish  propensities  ran  in  the  family.  I  have 
been  painfully  reminded  of  this  last  September.!     Still 

*  '^  /Scarabea,  scardbea  fugite  domwn." 

tis  there  in  this  woi-ld  a  secret  and  insidious  power  that  is  for 
mischief  ? 


Solomon,  Solomon.  .  71 

there  are  some  Jucobs's  who  are  not  Jews.  The  original 
Jacobs  is  one.  I  am  not  an  original  Jacobs,  but  au 
original  something  else.  It  was  my  great  happiness  to 
l)e  baptized  by  Bishop  Hughes  on  the  IGtli  of  June, 
1845.  Before  that,  I  was  certainly  not  a  Christian. 
Baptism  makes  us  Christians  and  children  of  God.  The 
Catholic  Church  is  the  family  of  the  children  of  God, 
according  to  Father  Duranquet's  one-leaf  catechism. 
No  "^;^6'ey-ism"  in  that  catechism.  It  is  pure  Catholic 
dogma  /  That  short,  clear,  one-leaf  catechism  has  done 
a  world  of  good.  So  has  the  author  of  it.  Hicks,  the 
pirate,  was  one  of  his  trophies,  though  he  did  call  his 
spiritual  father  a  '•'■wild  Irishman''''  on  his  way  to  the 
gallows,  over  at  Bedloes  Island.*  He  was  prepared  to 
die,  and  could  afford  a  little  fun.  I  have  heard  some 
droll  remarks  from  people  whose  end  was  near.  Death 
is  not  so  solenm  when  we  are  prepared  to  die  as  it  is 
otherwise,  by  any  means.  It  is  better  to  he  good,  than 
to  feel  good  of  the  two.  Hicks  is  alleged  to  have  com- 
mitted many  murders  on  the  high  seas.  Some  would-be 
musicians  and  singers  commit  intolerable  murders  on  the 
^'■liigli  C'fi."  I  advise  them  to  get  a  "  Singer'' s  machine  '^ 
at  once,  and  work  at  it.  I  do  not  mean  a  piano,  I  mean 
a  "  Singer's  machine.''     I  do  not  mean  a  '"Jeivsharp." 

'  Some  have  wondered  how  a  celebrated  Jew  of  antiquity 
could  have  played  on  his  Je?t's-harp  and  sing  at  the  same  time. 
But,  as  an  old  lady  on  the  steamboat  once  remarked  to 
me,  ^'-foil's  vjere  smarter  in  those  days  than  they  are  now." 

*  Hicks  was  executed  on  Bedloes  Island.  Circumstance  was  men- 
tioned to  me  by  one  of  the  bystanders. 


72  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

You  see  I  have  made  ends  meet,  so  as  not  to  wander 
from  my  suliject.  It  was  all  aliont  Solomon,  and  you 
may  pronounce  it  wise  or  other'icise. 

Pertaining  to  the  Chinese 

My  father  had  a  great  respect  for  the  Chinese,  espe- 
cially for  then-  mechanical  ingenuity.  He  thought  they 
were  incomparable.  Still,  he  never  attempted  to  trace 
any  relationship  with  the  inhal)itants  of  the  Celestial  em- 
pire, notwithstanding  the  fact  that  his  own  family  name 
was  made  up  of  two  Chinese  monosyllables,  the  first  of 
which  is  held  in  great  respect  b}^  all  Chinamen  who  have 
not  been  christianized.  Permit  me,  for  reasons  best 
known  to  myself,  to  devote  a  tVagmentary  portion  of  this 
work  to  this  subject  at  the  same  time  terrestrial  and  celes- 
tial. It  is  only  a  piece  of  the  whole  work,  if  you  choose 
a  kind  of  "  Chinese  Chunk."     Who  shall  we  begin  with? 

Ah  Hiing  has  already  beeji  alluded  to  in  the  preface. 
He  began  with  divers  "tricks  that  were  vain,"  and  went 
on  from  bad  to  worse,  until  his  own  name  became  the 
simple  inscription  on  his  tombstone.  It  was  a  sadder 
case  than  Gray's  L.  E.  G.  in  a  country  church3'ard. 
What  brought  it  to  a  country  churchyard  ?  AJt  Hung 
must  have  got  suspended.  I  never  enjoyed  that  luxury. 
What  he  did,  we  are  not  informed.  People  in  times 
by-gone  have  been  suspended  for  little  or  nothing  ;  for, 
as  has  been  well  observed,  a  mob  is  a  monster  ; — cdl  /tends 
and  no  brains.  "  Ah  Hung"  discovered  this  when  it  was 
too  late — to  his  soriow.  It  was  a  suspension  of  the 
^'  habeas  corpus,"  or  a  suspension  of  the  "  corpus,"  letting 


"  Fatsey."  73 

alone  the  "  habeas."  That  was  the  unhabeast  part  of  it. 
Least  said  in  this  unfortunate  ease,  soonest  mended.  Let 
''Ah  Hung^^  rest.  We  will  pass  to  other  Chinamen. 
Kay  Ting  was  one  of  the  most  treacherous  I  ever  knew. 
Chy  Loong  was  a  great  improvement  on  Kay  Ting.  No 
treachery  about  Chy  Loong.  He  was  simplicity  itself, 
with  his  big  almond  eyes  that  looked  all  innocence. 
Belleville,  N.  J.,  is  a  great  place  for  Chinamen.  One  of 
the  most  celebrated  of  them  is  ""Wash  IngT  He  works 
in  the  laundry  for  ]\Irs.  D — d.  A  Dutchman  who  had 
just  come  to  reside  in  Montclair,  came  over  to  visit  the 
laundr}',  and  asked  him,  "  Wa>ih  is  your  name  .?  "  "  Wash 
Ing,"  who  had  learned  some  English,  replied,  "Wash  is 
my  name."  There  are  a  good  many  Dutchmen  in  Mont- 
clair.    Some  think  it  will  some  day  be  all  Dutch. 

"  Patsey." 

He  was  the  most  "boyish  looking"  of  all  the  semina- 
rians, and  at  all  times  a  great  favorite.  Once  on  a  time 
I  paid  him  a  visit,  and  he  drove  me  around  to  look  at 
his  parish.  Whenever  we  came  among  a  crowd  of  them 
he  shook  his  fist  and  raised  his  voice,  "  There  they  are. 
You  see  the  kind  you  are  going  to  have.  DonH  he  of  raid 
of  them.''''  Of  course,  the  folks  thought  that  they  were 
going  to  have  a  new  "■parochus^^  and  my  own  sensations 
at  such  an  unexpected  publication  can  be  better  imagined 
than  cleseribed. 

Since  my  hegira  from  Montclair  I  wrote  to  him,  and 
mentioned  a  funny  dream  that  he  WJis  mixed  up  with. 
I  thoudit  that  he  and  F.  Michael  and  F.  Daniel  K.  were 


74  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

holding  a  kind  of  consultation  about  me  in  my  own  sacrist}'. 
He  replied  that  he  was  very  glad  that  he  was  there,  so  that 
he  would  keep  the  other  "  fellers  "  from  doing  any  harm. 

Breaking  the  Ice. 

I  have  long  cherished  a  certain  devotion  to  St.  Andrew 
the  .Apostle,  and  I  believe  that  he  has  done  me  more 
than  one  signal  favor.  Six  or  seven  years  ago  I  was  in 
great  straits,  coming  on  the  feast  of  St.  Andrew.*  So 
one  Saturday  night  I  prayed  very  hard  to  St.  Andrew 
to  send  me  a  friend.  On  Mondaj^  morning,  shortly  after 
the  train  arrived  from  New  York,  the  door  bell  rang. 
This  happened  in  Montclair.  Who  could  it  be  ?  I  has- 
tened down  to  the  door,  and  there  stood  Father  McAleer, 
whom  I  had  not  seen  for  several  years :  for,  if  you 
choose,  there  had  Ijeen  a  kind  of  "coolness  between 
friends."  St.  Andrew  had  broken  all  the  ice,  and  good 
Father  McAleer  had  come  to  be  tome  just  what  I 
needed,  a  friend  in  whom  I  could  confide. 

In  the  aflairs  of  my  soul,  he  has  been  a  big  part  of  the 
Providence  of  God  to  me.f 

Hart's  IslajS^d. 

Mr.  H.'s  room  in  the  old  seminary  at  Fordham  was 
next  to  mine.     F.  Sola  always  addressed  him  as  "  Domt- 

*  November  30th. 

t  Dr.  Benjamin  F.  Bowers  (deceased  February  7, 1875)  and  Father 
McAleer  have  reminded  me  very  much  one  of  the  other  in  the  sin- 
cerity of  their  attachment  to  me.  The  latter  is  my  earthly  repre- 
sentative of  St.  Michael  the  Archangel,  his  o^vn  powerful  ''■patroon." 
1  write  in  the  land  of  the  Van  Rensselaers  and  Knickerbockers. 


A  Coolness  Cetween  Fi;iends 


The  Ibish  M.  P.  75 

nus  Karty  He  knew  him  as  one  of  the  best  theologians 
in  the  class.  I  may  as  well  say  at  once,  he  stood  at  tJie 
hfod,  and  in  a  widely  different  sense  from  the  boy  who 
was  next  to  the  head,  and  himself  and  "  another  girl "  com- 
posing the  class.  It  is  only  till  within  a  few  years  past  I 
knew  Mr.  H.'s  name  -was  connected  with  an  island  in  the 
Sound,  jnst  this  side  of  Glen  Cove,  not  far  from  the  Mc- 
Loiighlin  domain  at  New  Rochelle.  I  want  very  much 
to  see  Mr.  H.  since  he  last  wrote  to  me  concerning  this 
book,  but  I  have  not  yet  found  it  convenient  to  run  over 
to  the  land  of  steady  habits,  where  he  resides.  He  always 
reminded  me  of  Dr.  John  W.  Draper,  who  taught  me 
chemical  manipulation.  I  have  learned  other  kinds  of 
"manipulation"  since,  along  with  considerable  "engi- 
neering." Mr.  H.  sent  me  a  remonstrance,  without  a 
remittance,  for  which,  however,  he  will  accept  mj^  '■'•harV- 
felt  thanks,  as  the  tone  was  respectful.  He  feared  "  lest 
I  should  make  the  church's  Hart  bleed.  That  is  not  my 
forte,  flad  he  sent  me  a  remittance,  I  would  have  ex- 
cused the  remonstrance  ; — but  perhaps  this  work  would 
have  been  minus  a  chapter.  So  to  this  chapter  let  us  say 
"  ter  minusy 

The  Irish  M.  P. 

I  was  never  "  alone  with  the  stars.'^  Yet  some  "  31. 
P.'s  "  are  very  good  friends  of  mine  ;  for  instance,  my 
excellent  friend  Peter  Murphy,  M.  P.  are  two  very 
obliging  initials.  They  answer  equally  for  Metropolitan 
Pohce  and  Member  of  Parliament.     This  chapter  refers 


76  CE^TENyiAL  Skyrockets. 

to  those  twin  letters  in  the  hitter  acceptation.  Was  1 
ever  a  member  of  parliament?  No,  Ijut  I  was  taken  for 
one.  It  happened  after  this  fashion  :  Sunday,  November 
29th,  1874,  having  arrived  in  Providence,  R.  I.,  I  pro- 
ceeded to  attend  High  Mass  at  St.  Joseph's  Church.  This 
procedure  or  procession,  or  whatever  made  it  necessary 
to  invoke  the  assistance  of  a  hackman,  as  St.  Joseph's 
Church  stands  at  no  inconsideralde  distance  from  the  City 
Hotel.  No  baggage  but  ])reviary.  No  baggage  smasher 
required.  Arri^'ed  at  the  cluuch,  which  is  large  enough 
for  a  cathedral,  I  descended  from  the  vehicle,  entered  the 
sacred  edifice,  petitioned  for  a  seat,  and  was  shown  pretty 
well  up  the  side  aisle  toward  the  altar.  Having  kneeled 
and  said  some  pra;yiei-s,  I  sat  down.  I  soon  perceived  a 
schohrl y-\ookmg  sexton,  w^ith  the  inevitable  spectacles 
across  his  nose,  making  toward  me.  Was  he  <roino-  to 
box  me  in  some  other  pew  ?  No.  He  requested  my 
name.  O,  I  replied,  I  am  no  stranger  to  Father  Kelly, 
and  intend  to  call  on  him  this  evening.  "  But,"  said  he, 
"  Father  Kelly  did  not  tell  me  to  speak  to  you,  only  they 
have  it  around  since  you  came  in,  that  there  is  a  great 
man  in  the  church,  a  Member  of  Parliament  from 
Ireland^ 

Dulcamara. 

This  valuable  medicinal  agent  is  also  known  as  "  Bitter- 
Sweet."  It  is  good  after  getting  the  feet  w^et,  and  when 
the  patient,  having  caught  cold,  shows  great  restlessness 
and  impatience.     Whether  it  grows  around  Providence, 


CHA3IPAGNE-  77 

R.  I.,  or  not,  I  :im  not  informed,  although  I  have  seen 
specimens  that  were  brought  from  Cranston.* 

CHAMPAG^E. 

Some  object  strongly  to  this  luscious  beverage.  I 
object  to  sltam  anything  at  all.  Yet  just  at  this  present, 
sham  is  all  the  go.  It  has  found  its  way  into  the  very 
sanctuary.  The  very  offices  of  the  church  are  carried 
out,  in  phices,  the  most  possible  according  to  the  good 
pleasui'c  of  the  world,  and  the  least  possible  consistently 
with  their  essentials,  according  to  the  good  pleasure  of 
God.  Ad  ccqjtandain  has  become  the  motto,  and  shoddy 
reigns  supreme. 

Father  Ryan  having  completed  a  church  at  Yonkers, 
somewhere  about  the  year  1849,  took  with  him  a  party 
of  us  seminarians  to  assist  at  the  dedication.  Just  before 
vespers,  looking  out  of  the  door  of  the  sacnsi>/,-f  and  ob- 
serving but  a  handful  of  people,  he  remarked  that  it  was 
hardly  worth  while  to  have  vespers.  Here  Father  Bea- 
veniit  spoke  up  :  "  Let  ys  have  vespers  for-  AlmigJdy  God^ 
Does  my  old  friend  F.  Augustus  Langkake  remember 
the  occurrence  ? 

Potent  sham  has  so  far  prevailed  that  no  institution, 
however  specious,  is  not  infected  with  it.  and  the  saying 
of  the  Apostle  realized  in  a  perverted  seubC  ;  for  in  these 
dfiys  too  true  it  is  that  charity  covers  a  multitude  of  sins. 

*  This  chapter  is  almost  as  short  as  some  in  the  autobiography  of 
St.  Angela  of  Foligno,  which  are  only  tico  lines  in  length.  But  then 
the  admirable  simpUcity  which  induced  such  brevity  !  St.  Angela, 
''short  and  sweet,"  leaves  little  untold. 

t  Why  will  Catholics  use  that  abominable  word  "vestry"'? 


78  Centennial  Skyrockkts. 

Brown  stone  and  Gothic  architecture  do  not  pertain  to 
the  essence  of  the  tnie  religion. 


Mendicants. 

Beg,  borrow,  steal.  That  is  the  question  :  Which  ? 
Don't  beg  the  question.  Professional  mendicants  have 
l)ecome  a  nuisance.  They  intiude  on  every  privacy. 
You  see  them  around  every  corner  and  in  every  shop. 
We  have  swarms  of  professional  mendicants.  Not  the 
poor  man  to  whom  I  give  the  price  of  his  night's  lodg- 
ing, or  a  "bit  to  eat."  Not  the  poor  creature  with  a 
child  in  her  aims,  God  help  her,  who  don't  know  which 
way  she-will  turn.  But  women  calling  themselves  reli- 
gious, and  boasting  the  haljit  of  St.  Francis,  who  follow 
"  that  servile  shadow  of  lazy  beggary  which  is  the  tieshly 
interpretation  of  his,  divine  aim."*  No  house,  no  tene- 
ment, no  !?tore,  no  office,  no  hotel,  no  parish,  no  group 
of  laborers  is  free  from  their  intrusion.  They  arc  around 
and  among  us  like  so  many  inquisitors,  and  heaven  knows 
what  their  real  mission  is.  True,  they  wear  a  holy  habit, 
and  holy  names  are  on  their  tongues  all  the  while  that 
mone}^  is  in  question.  They  are  the  administrators  of 
institutions  gotten  up  in  the  sweet  name  of  charity.  But 
how  many  in  those  institutions  experience  disinterested 
kindness,  I  would  like  to  know,  I  believe  in  my  heart 
that  St.  Francis  would  send  the  greater  part  of  them 
;.Ll)(jut  their  business,  were  he  here  on  earth,  for  he  did 
not  inculcate  "the  servile  shadow  of  lazy  beggary." 

*  Mrs.  Olipliant. 


SMAf,L  Profits.  79 

John  Bull,  with  all  his  misdoings,  holds  some  true 
priiiciiiles  ;  and  not  the  least  of  them,  that  one  ^Yhich 
declares  every  man's  house  to  be  his  castle.  But  no  one's 
apartments  are  his  own,  be  he  Catholic  or  oihervvise, 
under  the  existing  system  which  is  so  rapidly  growing 
upon  us.  Clii  bono  ?  We  have  come  into  an  age  when 
it  is  Jiot  strictly  necessary  for  a  woman  to  put  on  a  long 
black  dress  and  a  veil,  if  she  has  a  mind  to  comfort  the 
wretched  or  give  help  to  the  needy  ;  nor  to  be  styled  "  a 
sister,"  in  order  to  act  in  a  sisterly  way.  Wherefore  this 
boasted  poverty,  along  with  an  undisguised  zeal  to  amass 
a  small  fortune. 

It  all  reminds  me  of  the  man  who  advertised  that  he 
was  going  to  sell  all  his  goods  and  give  to  the  poor  ;  Hrst 
his  poor  creditors  ;  then  his  poor  relations,  and  finally 
his  poor  self.  True  charity  begins  at  home  and  then 
goes  abroad.  This  ostentatious  poverty-stricken  charity, 
although  being  feminine  it  cannot  wear  a  "roaming  co-l- 
lar,"  goes  strolling  through  the  streets  a  professional  beg- 
gar through  the  day,  and  home  at  night  to  count  the 
spoils.     St.  Anthony  of  Padua  defend  us  ! 

Small  Profits. 

I  observed  this  sio^n  over  a  store  window.  It  set  me 
to  thinking.  First  it  made  me  think  of  the  old  conun- 
drum :  "  Why  was  Pharaoh's  daughter  like  a  milkman  ? 
Ans.  Because  she  took  a  little  profit  out  of  the  water." 
You  will  say  '*  small  prophets  are  better  than  no  proph- 
ets."    I  think  not.     I  do  not  believe  in  little  predictions. 


80  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

I  can  sooner  put  up  with  eo////'rt-dictions,  coiwi^er-ii'iilants, 
and  all  those  sort  of  things.  These  small  prophets  esteem 
themselves  a  kind  of  fortune-tellers.  I  have  about  as 
much  respect  for  the  one  as  the  other.  It  is  ouU'  the 
difference  of  a  name.  I  do  not  care  much  for  your  too 
posUive  people,  in  any  shape  or  form.  Everythinu'  nuist 
go  by  thai)'  criterion.  Experience  with  them  is  infallil)le, 
whereas  St.  Bernard  had  very  little  contidenee  in  it. 
Your  small  prophets  believe  more  in  the  rules  of  mathe- 
matics and  of  experience  than  in  anything  else.  Failh^ 
W'ith  them,  is  at  a  discount.  But  I  always  admired  the 
motto  of  a  certain  bishop's  signet  ring,  "  Fide  non  specie.^'' 
'  By  faith,  not  by  appearances."  Faith  is  more  certain 
than  appearances,  more  certain  than  mathematics,  more 
certain  than  experience,  and  confounds  small  prophets. 

"Wait." 

Festina  lenle,  or  "  hiisten  slowly,"  almost  the  equivalent 
of  icait,  w^ere  the  pioneer  words  of  this  work.  "Wait," 
in  nine  cases  out  of  ten  is  prudent  advice  Stop  in 
Tarrytown,  and  see  my  old  friend  F.  Egan.  Do  not 
be  too  fast.  Fast  is  one  of  the  vices  of  the  age ;  fast, 
always,  saving  and  excepting  when  the  call  is  charity  ; 
in  which  latter  case  one  seems  to  feel  his  own  weight 
every  step  he  takes.  The  church  herself  did  not  go 
ahead  all  at  once.  She  ivaited  for  the  day  of  Pentecost, 
when  the  mighty  rushing  w'ind  should  fill  her  sails.  Her 
crew  were  all  on  board.  She  was  ofBeered  and  manned 
with  St.  Peter  at  the  helm.     But  she  did  not  set  sail. 


Black  Mail.  81 

She  wiiitetl  for  the  Spirit  of  God,  the  divine  breath,  the 
iuithor  and  giver  of  life,  who  was  sent  by  Him  who  came 
tiiat  He  might  give  us  Life,  and  we  might  have  it  more 
abundantly. 

1  have  seen  inscribed  on  an  old  piece  of  family  silver, 
the  words  "  ova  et  laboni  " — "  pray  and  labor."  In  how 
many  cases  should  our  motto  be.  Wait  and  jyniy,  or,  as 
Father  Dumbresse*  used  to  say,  "  expecta paulisjyer.^^  To 
what  lisper,  I  would  ask,  Wiis  allusion  made  ?  Did  any 
Paul  ever  lisp  ? 

Let  us  pause  here  for  awhile,  and  stop  in  Tarrytown, 
and  put  on  swallow^-tiiil  coats  and  white  ^'ests,  and  all  be 
waiters.  But  I  am  resolved  and  determined  not  to  be  a 
dumb  tuaitbr. 

Black  Mail. 

A  circular,  which  was  issued  a  few  months  before  the 
completion  of  this  work,  will  be  found  in  the  Appendix. 
The  circular  elicited  quite  a  series  of  correspondence,  to 
which  I  shall  presently  allude,  of  divers  import.  For 
instance,  while  one  sent  me  a  generous  remittance,  another 
sent  me  a  "  remonstrance  "  without  a  remittance  ;  and 
one  who,  "for  good  manners,"  shall  here  be  nameless, 
whispered  such  a  word  as  "  blach  maiV  Did  he  mean 
Kine:  The-odorous,  or  who  or  what  did  he  mean  ?  It 
was  certainly  a  remarkal)le  expression.  And  why  is  not 
hlack  male  as  good  as  black  anybody  else  ?  AVho  makes 
any  objections  ?     I  always  liked  colored  waiters.     They 

*  The  printer  did  that ;  don't  blame  me.  I  can  make  him  furnish 
the  ^' proof." 

6 


S2  Centennial  SktrockfTts. 

are  polite  and  attentive.  They  seem  to  be  specially  cut 
out  for  their  vocation.  Not  one  of  them  ever  doubted 
\nj '■^  voracity ."  They  vied  with  each  other  who  could 
serve  me  best.  Some  of  them  are  great  cooks,  nor  got 
their  experience  on  the  Fiji  Islands.  So  if  you  really 
want  to  scare  me,  try  any  way  you  like,  only  don't  ex- 
pect to  with  any  such  word  as  black  mail.  I  shall  still 
issue  the  book. 

The  Value  of  Money. 

Money  is  a  necessary  evil.  How  much  uneasiness  and 
anxiety  a  little  money  will  sometimes  relieve,  and  just 
then  it  seems  so  hard  to  get  it,  and  so  mysterious  that 
others  seem  to  have  more  than  they  know  Avhat  to  do 
with.  Yet  God  knows  how  to  carry  on  a  great  business 
with  what  the  world  "regards  as  a  small  capital.  He 
does  not  suffer  himself  to  be  bound  by  the  rules  of  arith- 
metic. There  are  more  things  hidden  in  the  abyss  of 
His  wisdom  than  our  philosophy  dreams  of  God  some- 
times seems  to  feel  our  necessities  little  by  little,  and  to 
relieve  them  accordingly,  as  Ven.  LouisHle  Ponte  has 
Avell  observed.*  His  progress,  to  the  uninitiated,  often 
looks  like  two  steps  forward  and  one  step  backward,  as 
good  F.  Legonais,  S.J.,  has  expressed  it. 

It  is  a  very  common  saying,  "  If  you  wish  to  know  the 
value  of  money  (shent  per  shent)  try  to  borrow  it."  But 
when  I  see  a  rich,  penurious,  hard-tisted  man  who  hjis 
hoarded  money  that  he  has   acquired  contrary  to   the 

*  Ven.  Louis  de  Ponte  Meditations.     Six  volumes. 


Education,  83 

laws  of  justice,  by  wronging  others  of  what,  in  the  sight 
of  heaven,  belonged  to  them; — I  say,  that  man  values 
money  ImmenneJy^  for  he  has  periled  his  own  soul  for 
every  dollar  of  it.  No  wonder  that  he  values  it.  No 
wonder  that  his  cliariiij  goes  by  dril)bles.  No  wonder 
that  he  parts  with  it  "hard."  It  has  cost  him  the  risk 
of  his  soul. 

Educatiox. 

"^e  never  went  to  free  school ;  nor  any  other  college;  and  the  xohite 
folks  they  all  loondered,  lohere  the  nigger  got  Jus  kiioioledge." 

"Old  Unci,b  Ned." 

We  live  in  stirring  times.  Education  is  agitated.  Born 
and  brought  up  in  college  myself,  I  have  always  taken 
a  liveJtj  interest  in  the  subject ;  so  lively,  indeed,  that  I 
sincerely  hope  never  to  have  anything  to  do  with  any 
educational  institution.  My  vocation  is  either  to  be  a 
parish  priest  or  a  gentleman.  I  see  no  alternative.  And 
after  all,  a  o-entleman  is  not  the  worst  man  in  the  world. 
I  think  they  are  very  much  needed.  Roughs  are  rather 
in  the  ascendancy.  Let  us  have  a  few  more  gentlemen. 
How  shall  we  teach  the  young  idea  to  shoot  ?  Does  the 
Catholic  Church  really  mean  that  they  must  all  be  handed 
over  to  the  Christian  Brotheis  and  the  Sisters  of  Charity  ? 
It  is  said  that  the  venerable  Archbishop  of  Cincinnati, 
for  one,  is  reluctant  to  damn  with  the  epithet  "■godless''' 
all  schools  that  have  not  fallen  into  the  clutches  of  either 
Christian  Brothers  or  Sisters  of  Charity. 


84  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

The  Jesuits. 

St.  Joseph,  watch  over  this  chapter  !  Let  it  be  known 
])y  its  fruits.  Do  not  look  in  your  dictionary  for  the 
definition  of  Jesuit.  Xb  infallibility  has  l)een  promised 
to  dictionaries.  St.  Ignatius  Loyola,  the  noble  hero  of 
Panipeluna,  said  to  all  of  them  as  St.  Paul  said  to  the 
first  Christians.  "  Be  ye  imitators  of  me,  as  I  am  of 
Christ."  The  Jesuits  are  men  of  praijer.  This  is,  in  my 
opinion,  the  highest  encomimn  that  can  l)e  passed  upon 
them.  Thej  are  me)i  of  2jra//er.  Are  they  politic  ?  They 
follow  their  vocation,  and  their  vocation  is  to  be  men  of 
prayer,  and  they  cannot  be  men  of  prayer  without  beirig 
men  of  good  worls.  I  used  to  know  one,  who  divided 
his  time  lietween  the  "  Tombs,"  cr  city  prison,  and  one 
of  the  '•  Island  Institutions."  That  was  the  Island  of  his 
heart.  Many  a  poor  outcast  and  criminal,  if  you  like  to 
call  him  so,  has  praised  and  blessed  God  for  the  privilege 
of  a  good  Jesuit  father  confessor.  Are  the  Jesuits  cun- 
ning? Taken  as  a  body  politic  they  are  by  no  means 
simpletons.  They  are  a  great  society,  and  every  great 
society  ought  to  be  governed  wisely  and  with  a  view  to 
its  own  protection.  The  Divine  Master  bade  his  disci- 
l)l(\s  to  be  "  wise  as  serpents  and  hai*iiless  as  doves."  The 
f[esuits  have  not  disregarded  this  advice.  If  neithei*  we 
nor  our  spiritual  advisers  have  the  simplicity  of  the  dove, 
(•om1)ined  with  the  cunning  of  the  serpent,  hoAV  shall  we 
cheat  the  devil,  who  goes  al»out  everywhere  seeking 
whom  he  may  devour  ?  From  Ids  snares  deliver  us.  O 
Lord  !     I  have  received  great  spiritual  favors  through 


ST,   IQ;gEPHl 


Imago  qua;  veneratur  in  Ecclesia 
S.  Claudii,  Romse. 


The  Shakers.  85 

fhe  Jesuits,  and  look  upon  them  for  tJiai  reason  as  my 
l)enefactors.  Faint  praise  is  always  distasteful.  The 
more  downright  abuse  they  get,  the  better  they  flourish. 
Ditto  of  the  extreme  reverse.  I  must  confess  a  partiality 
for  religious  orders  composed  like  the  Jesuits  of  priests. 
The  only  thing  that  ever  puzzled  me  about  the  Jesuits 
was,  why  they  celebrated  the  birthday  of  George  Wash- 
ington. 

The  Shakers, 

Schenectady,  July  10th,  1875. 
Yesterday  afternoon  I  took  a  drive  out  to  the  Shaker 
village  at  Niskayuna,  some  nine  miles  distant.  When 
last  I  was  there,  quite  a  child,  they  were  just  building 
the  first  railroad  in  Amei'ica,  which  was  from  Albany  to 
Schenectady.*  Among  my  personal  eflects  which  have 
been  appropriated  by  those  to  whom  they  do  not  belong, 
is  a  picture  of  the  first  railroad  train  in  America,  from 
Albany  to  Schenectady,  with  all  the  passengers,  among 
whom  was  Thnrlow  Weed.  Sometimes  I  pray  St.  An- 
thony of  Padua,  who  is  very  powerful,  as  well  as  very 
prompt  to  restore  to  me  all  that  rightfully  belongs  to  me. 
I  believe  that  he  will  do  it  yet.  Well,  the  last  time  that 
I  saw  that  Shaker  village,  I  could  not  have  been  more 
than  five  years  old.  But  I  remembered  it,  with  its  plank 
walks,  and  neat  white  posts  with  chains  through  them. 
It  does  not  present  quite  the  same  neat,  tidy  appearance 
now  as  it  did  then,  although  neatness  predominates.    You 

*  The  first  steam  train  in  America  was  from  Albany  to  Schenec- 
tady. 


86  -Centennial  Skyrockets. 

would  suppose  that  they  belonged  to  that  school  who 
count  neatness  as  akin  to  what  the  non-Catholic  world  call 
"godliness,"  but  which  Catholics  designate  as  "piety."* 
These  Shakers  were  very  partial  to  my  aunt,  then 
Miss  Lydia  Titus,  and  tried  hard  to  persuade  her  to  join 
them.  She  would  not  l)e  converted.  So  they  lost  one 
good-looking  girl.  I  spoke  first  yesterday  to  Abbie 
Messenger,  who  joined  theni  the  same  year  that  I  was 
born — 1827.  I  told  her  about  Mrs.  Bowers,  but  she  did 
not  happen  to  rememl^er  her.  I  told  her  that  she  had 
probably  seen  me  before,  set.  5.  I  was  so  much  altered 
that  she  did  not  remember  me.  Age  does  indeed  make 
a  great  change  in  people's  appearance.  They  did  not 
even  remend)er  my  grandfather,  Mr.  Piatt  Titus,  the  lirst 
proprietor  of  the  Troy  House,  where  my  mother  was 
born.  Abbie  Messenger  left  me  sitting  a  oood  while  in 
the  "  office,"  while  I  suppose  their  own  "holy  office" 
was  holding  an  inquisition  over  me.  There  was  not  a 
picture  of  any  kind  in  the  room,  which  might  otherAvise 
have  been  taken  for  a  convent  parlor.  There  was  only 
a  map  of  the  Albany  and  Schenectady  townships.  Just 
as  I  began  to  get  uneasy,  like  the  man  who  thought  they 
were  heating  the  poker  to  make  a  Freemason  of  him, 
Abbie  made  her  appearance  accompanied  by  Ephraim 
Prentice,  the  patriarch  of  the  Community,  a^t.  74.  His 
hair  was  combed  straight  down  square  across  his  fore- 
head, and  he  had  a  tuck  in  his  pantaloons,  which  seemed 
to  be  in  the  neighborhood  of  a  yard  wide.     Ephraim 

*  Catholics  say  "piety"  and  "justice,"  instead  of  "godliness"  and 
"  righteousness." 


The  Shake ns.  87 

told  me  that  having  received  an  injury  to  his  spine,  and 
being  subject  to  fits,  (which  did  not  fit  him  any  better 
than  his  pantaloons,)  he  Avas  unable  to  work,  and  conse- 
quently detailed  to  wait  on  visitors  and  show  them  about 
the  place.  He  seemed  very  desirous  to  impress  me  that 
he  was  a  very  dull,  ignorant,  uneducated  man,  but  I 
must  do  him  the  justice  to  say  that  he  gave  me  as  clear- 
headed, lucid  an  idea  of  the  distinctive  doctrinal  tenets 
of  the  Shakers  as  Rev.  Father  jMaldonado  himself  did  of 
the  Catholic  theology.  Eplnaini  must  pardon  me,  but 
1  will  not  give  in  that  he  was  either  ignorant,  or  dull,  or 
stupid,  or  uneducated,  or  anything  of  the  kind,  as  he 
Avould  W'ish  me  to  believe.  He  was  clear-headed  and 
shrewd  enough,  all  the  jits  in  the  world  to  the  contrar}', 
not  excepting  even  the  fit  of  his  own  pants.  Remember 
that  all  this  time  Ephraim  did  not  suspect  in  the  slightest 
that  he  was  talking  to  a  Catholic  priest.  I  was  attired, 
myself,  in  a  l)road-l;)rimnied  Panama  hat  and  a  white  vest, 
and  had  more  or  less  ^tlie  swing  of  a  doctor.  For  all 
that,  Ephraim,  when  he  did  find  (Uit  who  I  was,  paid  me 
the  compliment  of  saying  that  he  thought  I  wtis  "  some 
kind  of  a  pious  man,"  and  that  when  he  first  approached 
me  he  "felt  his  spirit  attracted  to  me."  So  I  put  in  a 
word  about  ouardian  ano-els.  I  ascertained  that  he  had 
once  held  a  three  hours'  controversy  with  a  priest  in 
Troy,  whom  he  designated  as  the  "  holy  father,"  juid  that 
he  declined  to  pi-olong  the  interview  with  the  "  holy 
father,"  as  he  saw  as  little  prospect  of  converting  F.  Ed- 
wards to  Shakerism  as  there  was  of  the  "holy  father" 
converting    Ephraim   to    the   Catholic    church.     I   told 


88  Centennial  SKYUocKErs. 

Epliraini  that  T  was  a  "  man  of  prayer/'  and  in  my  own 
mind  I  resolved  then  and  there  to  remember  him  in  my 
prayers — as  I  have  since  in  reality  done.*  He  accepted 
very  gracionsly  from  me,  some  pictures  of  St.  Joseph 
and  the  infant  Jesus,  and  sonle  prayers  I  once  composed 
and  had  printed  in  lionor  of  St.  Michael  the  Archangel. 
One  of  those  same  pictures  of  St.  Joseph  that  I  gave  to 
Ephraim  will  be  found  accompanying  this  volume. 
Ephraim  took  me  first  to  "  their  place  of  worship,"  a 
very  large  and  plain  one-stor}^  frame  building.  There 
were  two  entrances  ;  over  the  ont^  was  inscribed  "il/a/f-^-," 
over  the  other  "  Females.^^  I  should  have  preferred  to 
see  the  words  Men  and  Women.  There  is  a  hint  for 
your  public  schools.  Why  not  say  Boys  and  Girh9 
which  is  nnich  more  modest  and  puts  fewer  thoughts 
into  children's  heads.  The  inside  of  this  "place  of  wor- 
ship "  revealed  a  very  large  floor  for  dancing,  with  a  few 
seats  for  visitors,  the  seats  rising  one  above  the  other, 
and  so  arranged  that  men  q\\(\.  women  occupied  differ- 
ent sides.  After  the  dancing,  which  they  regard  as  a 
sign  of  spiritual  joy  and  gratitude,  they  have  preaching 
and  singing  ;  intending  shortly  to  introduce  music,  mean- 
ing organic  remains  restored,  or  what  .the  Scotchman 
called,  a  ^^box  of  iv]iustlesy\  Ephraim  told  me  that 
Anne  Lee  foretold  that  there  would  be  music  as  well  as 
singing,  and  at  no  distant  day,  a  great  influx  of  Shaker 

*  St.  Philip  Neri  used  to  say,  "  there  is  nothing  the  devil  fears  so 
much,  or  so  much  ti'ies  to  hinder,  a,^  prayer." 

t  "How  well  he  plays  for  one  so  young,"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Parting- 
ton, "and  how  much  his  little  brother  looks  like  him." 


The  Shakers.  89 

converts,  for  just  ut  present  they  are  rather  thinning-  ont. 
This  Anne  Lee  was  the  foundress  of  the  Shakers,  a  kind 
of  Mother  Seton  'among  them  (I  intend  no  comparison). 
She  tied  from  England  to  America  on  account  of  perse- 
cution, lived  for  some  time  on  an  island  in  the  swamjD 
where  this  very  village  now  stands,  and  died  there  and 
Avas  buried  there,  so  that  what  is  left  of  the  mortal  re- 
mains of  Anne  Lee  are  noAV  in  Niskayuna.  Ephraim 
regards  Anne  Lee  ;is  the  woman  of  the  Apocalypse,  Avho 
lied  into  the  desert  with  two  wings  given  her  by  God. 
This  spoke  astonished  me  ver^^  much.  The  Shakers  do 
not  marry,  every  village  is  owe  family.  If  I  understood 
Ephraim  aright,  m;jrriage  is  one  step  removed  from  the 
perfection  of  christianit3^  This  leminds  me  of  an  extra 
pious  penitent  to  Avhom  I  once  exhibited  (out  of  confes- 
sion of  course)  the  picture  of  the  l)lessed  Sebastian  of 
Apparizio,  at  the  same  time  stating  the  fact  that  he  had 
been  twice  married  after  he  was  sixty  years  old.  She 
raised  her  hands  in  holy  horror,  exclaiming  "  and  a  saint 
afterwards9^^  Yes,  1  replied,  and  a  saint  all  the  time. 

One  of  the  uninitiated  told  me  how  he  believed  things 
were  managed  in  Shidverdom,  but  what  did  he  know 
about  it,  any  more  than  Artemus  Ward?  The  Shakers, 
if  I  understood  Ephraim  aright,  hold  that  Adam  and 
Eve  were  faster  than  God  wished  them  to  be,  and  would 
not  w^ait  for  His  time. 

Marriage,  according  to  Shaker  Ephraim,  places  in  the 
world  a  crop  of  souls ;  and  truly  spiritual  men  have  to 
reap  the  harvest.  But  those  who  reap  the  harvest  must 
not  get  married.     Like  many  other  religious  corpora- 


90  Centexnial  Skyrockets. 

tions,  the  Shakers  are  immensely  wealthy,  holding  all 
things  in  common,  and  manufacturing  almost  every- 
thino-  :  between  Brother  Hood  and  Sister  Hood.  As 
Ephraim  said,  if  they  work,  they  work  for  themselves, 
and  not  as  hirelings.  Like  other  Avealthy  dose  corpora- 
tions, the  individual  members  seem  wide  awake  for  any 
shrewd  bargain. 

Just  before  my  departure,  Ephraim  asked  me  what 
occupation  I  followed.  Believing  that  the  greater  glory 
of  God  required  an  open  confession,  I  replied  that  I  was 
a  Catholic  priest.  Sacerdos  in  externum  secundum  ordinem 
Melchisedec.  I  betray  my  incog,  only  when  I  believe 
that  it  is  A.  M.  D.  G.,  for  the  greater  glory  of  God. 

Ephraim  did  indeed  seem  at  first  astonished  to  find 
that  he  had  been  talking  with  a  priest,  Init  when  a  little 
recovered  remarked  that  he  had  found  far  more  sympathy 
among  the  Catholics  than  anywhere  else,  and  was  listened 
to  more  patiently  and  respectfully.  I  replied,  that  the 
TrutJt  was  not  afi-aid  to  face  anybody  and  be  patient. 
As  De  Maistre  has  remarked,  "  The  truth  never  gets 
angryT*  Ephraim  told  me  that  when  I  came  again,  i 
should  have  what  was  left  of  him.  I  replied  that  I 
should  claim  it.  Being  past  the  hour  of  Community 
meal,  no  refreshment  was  ofiered  me.  "Yea,  yea,"  and 
"nay,  nay,"  was  the  whole  style  of  communication,  f 

*  Conquer  anger  by  mildness,  evil  by  good,  falsehood  by  truth. — 
Sacred  Book  of  the  Buddhists. 

t  Some  queer  stories  are  told  in  Schenectady.  A  gentleman 
who  went  over  to  see  them  loas  offered  some  refreshment,  but  po- 
litely declined.     Afterwards  he  changed  his  mind ;  thought,  after 


The  Ancient  Order.  91 

The  Ancient  Order. 

It  having-  been  reporteil  that  the  celebrated  priest  of 
St.  PhiUp  Neri,  Dr.  Newman,  had  once  been  refused 
admission  to  the  Society  of  Jesus,  the  Cincinnati  Catholic 
Tdexp-oplu  in  a  recent  issue,  "squelches  the  falsehood"* 
by  stating  that  Dr.  Xewnian  never  songlit  admission  to 
that  illustrious  Society,  all  hough  he  holds,  and  always 
will  hold,  individual  members  of  it  in  the  higher^t 
esteem.  I  never  Init  once  sought  admission  to  an  Order. 
I  did  once  apply  to  be  admitted  to  the  delilx^rations  of 
the  Ancient  Order  of  Hil)ernians,  and  enrolled  in  their 
nnnd:)er.  What  was  ni}-  mortification  and  surprise  to  be 
politely  repulsed  with  no,  positively  no; — that  in  order 
to  be  eligible,  I  must  be  either  an  Irishman  or  the  son 
of  an  Irishman.  This  seemed  hard.  It  was  a  butter  of 
a  rebuff.  It  did  not  take  me  long  after  that  to  make  up 
my  mind  that  Jersey  could  do  without  me,  if  the  Ancient 
Order  could.  Jersey  Jias  done  without  me — would  you 
credit  it?  As  "^?Y/a»'"  used  to  say,  the  world  still 
moves.  So  do  I.  I  have  not  stopped  moving.  Some 
think  that  just  at  present  I  am  on  the  war  path.  I  tell 
them  I  have  buried  the  hatchet.  They  say  the  handle 
sticks  out.  It  is  only  one  of  those  rocket  sticks.  Jersey 
continues  to  be  the  great  dormitory  for  thousands  of  New 

all,  he  would  like  to  have  some  ;  but  got  for  his  sole  satisfaction  this 
rebuke  :  "Friend,  thee  liest."  They  never  ask  you  the  second  time, 
if  once  you  have  "  declined,"  just  as  they  themselves  do  not  "conju- 
gate." 

*  Ipsissima  vej'ha  Telegraphi." 


92  Cextkxmal  Skyrockkts. 

Yorkers  who  are  iiiclifFei'ent  to  imid  and  musquitoes, 
I'he  trains  come  and  go.  Only  the  Midland  railroad  is 
in  diffienltics.  since  money  makes  the  cai'  go.  As  ^onng 
bootblack  once  remarked  to  me,  when  I  settled  with  him, 
'•every  thing  yon  give  the  condnctor  is  fare  ;"' — at  least 
it  is  to  be  presnmed  so.  It  is  not  so  trne  of  the  reverse, 
Miat  is  to  say,  what  the  conductor  gives  yon.  A 'Jersey- 
man,  above  all,  should  know  how  to  conduct  himself 
before  he  undertakes  to  conduct  a  train  of  cars,  or  auy- 
thing  else. 

The  Solemn  Book  Agext.* 

He  was  tall  and  solemn  and  dignified.  One  vrould 
have  thought  him  a  Konian  senator  on  his  way  to  make 
a  speech  on  linance,  but  he  Av.-isn't — singuhirly  enough, 
he  wasn't.  He  was  a  book  agent.  He  wore  a  linen 
duster,  and  his  l)i-ow  was  furrowed  with  many  caredines, 
as  if  he  had  been  obliged  to  tumble  out  of  bed  every 
other  night  of  his  life  to  dose  a  sick. child.  He  called 
into  a  tailor  shop,  on  Randolph  street,  removed  his  hat, 
and  took  his  "Lives  of  Eminent  Philosophers"  from  its 
cambric  bag  and  approached  the  tailor  with  :  • 

"  I'd  like  to  have  you  look  at  this  rare  work." 

"  I  haf  no  time,"  replied  the  tailor. 

"  It  is  a  work  which  every  thinking  man  should  de- 
light to  peruse,"  continued  the  agent. 

"Zo?"  said  the  tailor. 

"  Yes,    it  is  a  work   on   which  a  great  deal  of  deep 


*  Too  good  to  be  lost,  and  so  I  have  incorporated  it. 


The  Solemn  Book  Agent.  93 

thought  hns  l)een  expended,  and  it  is  pronounced  by  such 
men  as  Wendell  Phillips  to  be  a  work  without  a  rival  in 
niodei'u  literature." 

"  Makes  anybody  laugh  when  he  zees  it  ?  "  asked  the 
tailor. 

"  No,  my  friend,  this  is  a  deep,  profoiuid  work,  as  I 
have  already  said.  It  deals  with  such  charactej's  as 
Theocritus.  Socrates  and  Phito  and  Ralph  Waldo  Emer- 
son. If  you  desire  a  work  on  which  the  most  eminent 
author  of  our  day  has  spent  years  of  study  and  research, 
you  can  find  nothing  to  compare  with  this." 

"  Docs  it  shpeak  about  how  to  glean  cloze  ?  "  anxiously 
asked  the  man  of  the  goose. 

'•  My  friend,  this  is  no  receipt  book,  but  an  eminent 
work  on  philosophy,  as  I  have  told  you.  Years  were 
consumed  in  preparing  this  volume  for  the  press,  and 
none  but  the  clearest  mind  could  have  grasped  the  sub- 
jects herein  discussed.  If  you  desire  food  for  deep  n)edi- 
tation  you  have  it  here." 

"  Does  dis  pook  say  someding  about  der  Prussian 
war  ?  "  asked  the  tailor  as  he  threaded  his  needle. 

"  My  friend,  this  is  not  an  every-clay  book,  but  a  w(n-k 
on  philosophy — -a  work  which  will  soon  be  in  the  hands 
of  eveiy  profound  thinker  in  the  country.  What  is  the 
art  of  philosophy  ?  This  book  tells  you.  Who  were  and 
who  are  our  philosophers  ?  Turn  to  these  pages  for  a 
reply.  As  I  said  before,  I  don't  see  how  you  can  do 
without  it." 

"  Und  he  don't  haf  anydings  about  some  fun,  eh?" 
inquired  the  tailor,  as  the  book  was  held  out  to  him. 


94  Centennial  Skyrockkts. 

"  My  friend,  must  I  again  inform  you  that  this  is  not 
an  ephemeral  work — not  a  collection  of  nauseous  trash, 
but  a  rare,  deep  work  on  philosophy.  Here,  see  the  name 
of  the  author.  That  name  alone  should  be  proof  enough 
to  your  mind  that  the  work  cannot  be  surpassed  for  prcj- 
fundity  of  thought.  Why,  sir,  Gerrit  Smith  testifies  to 
the  greatness  of  this  volume." 

"  I  not  knows  Mr.  Schmidt — I  make  no  cloze  mit  him," 
returned  the  tailor  in  a  doubting  voice. 

"Then  vou  will  let  me  leave  vour  place  without  bavins: 
secured  your  luune  to  this  volume.  1  cannot  believe  it! 
Behold  what  research  I  Turn  these  leaves  and  see  these 
richest  gems  of  thought  !  Ah !  if  we  only  had  such 
minds  and  could  wield  such  a  pen  !  But  we  can  read, 
and  in  a  measure  we  can  be  like  him.  Every  family 
should  have  this  noble  work.  Let  me  put  your  name 
down  ;   the  b()t)k  is  only  twelve  dollars." 

"Zwelve  dollars  for  der  pook  !  Zwelve  dollars  und  he 
has  uoddings  about  der  war,  und  no  fun  in  him,  nor  say 
noddings  how  to  get  glean  cloze  !  What  you  take  me 
for,  mister  ?  Go  i-ight  away  mit  dat  pook,  or  I  call  der 
bolice  und  haf  you  locked  up  pooty  quick." 

George  Washington  no  Chemist. 

'•He  could  not  tell  a  /ye."  Quid  indef  What  conse- 
quence do  I  deduce  ?  He  could  not  have  been  a  chemist, 
he  knew  more  about  hatchet  than  he  did  about  chemistry. 
He  should  have  buried  that  hatchet  and  studied  chem- 
istry.    He  was  no  Lie-hig.     He  could  not  discern  acid 


I 


3Iass  of  St.  Michael.  95 

tVom  an  alkali.  He  was  unskilled  in  the  use  of  litmus 
and  turmeric.  He  never  made  soap,  for  of  all  things 
there  is  a  heap  of  lye  iu  it.  "  Why  are  our  statements 
like  a  piece  of  soap?"  exclaimed  a  celebrated  plaintiff  to 
a  celebrated  defendant.  "  Because,"  answered  the  first 
astute  propounder  of  the  conundrum,  "there  is  a  heap  of 
lye  somewhere  in  them."  The  juvenile  Washington  could 
do  mischief,  and  was  honest  and  candid  enough  to  ac- 
knowledge it  in  those  memorable  words,  "I  did  it  with 
*  my  little  hatchet."  But  he  could  not  tell  a  lye.  He  was 
not  the  son  of  a  soap  boiler.  He  was  none  of  your 
shoddy  aristocracy.  He  was  not  an  incipient  Lie-big. 
He  had  never  studied  the  elemeutaiy  chemistr}^  for  child- 
ren, I'educed  by  some  genius  to  a  kind  of  gas  metre,  iu 
which  we  read  the  following  highly  instructive  lines  : 

"  Some  water  and  oil,  one  day  had  a  broil ; 

As  into  a  glass  they  went  dropjiinij, 
And  would  not  unite,  but  continued  to  tight 

Without  any  pi-ospect  of  stopping-. 
Some  potash  o'er  heai'd,  and  as  quick  as  a  word. 

He  jumped  in  the  midst  of  the  clashing, 
"When  all  three  agreed,  and  united  witli  speed. 

And  soap  was  created  for  washing." 

Mass  of  St.  Michael. 

I  do  not  remember  ever  to  have  celebrated  the  mass 
of  St.  Michael  the  Archangel,  without  being  ^Aitness  or 
l)articipat()r  in  some  occurrence  on  the  same  day  that 
demonstrated  the  power  of  his  protection.  I  once  drove 
to  Boon  ton,  some  fourteen  miles,  after  saying  the  mass 


96  Centennial  Skyrockets. 

of  St.  Michael.  On  1113'  retiiin  the  carriage  was  dashed 
to  pieces  by  reason  of  a  vicious  horse,  but  thanks  to  God 
and  St.  Michael,  all  escaped  unhurt.  Of  course  I  always 
wear  the  scapular  of  Our  Lady  of  Mt.  Carniel,  which  is 
itself  the  greatest  protection.  Soon  after  I  went  to  take 
charge  of  my  parish,  I  said  the  mass  of  St.  Michael  one 
morning,  hoping  that  he  Avould  send  me  an  organist. 
Sure  enough,  as  I  went  into  the  house  I  met  an  old  man 
coming  out  who  told  me  his  name  was  Michael,*  and 
who  proved  to  be  one  of  the  most  accomplished  Catholic 
organists  whom  1  have  ever  met  with.f 

*'  VOCHEENS." 

There  is  hardly  a  church  in  New  York  but  is  beset  by 
a  small  brigade  of  old  grannies  of  both  sexes,  women, 
however,  predominating,  who  make  an  appearance  of 
extra  piety,  but,  in  the  language  of  St.  Paul,  deny  the 
power  and  virtue  thereof;  for,  as  the  Apostle  Si.  Janus 
has  obsei'ved,  it  is  in  vain  to  call  yourself  religious  if  you 
do  not  govern  your  tongue.  For  this  class  of  people  the 
Irish  language  has  an  expressive  name.  They  call  them 
^'Vocheens."  That  they  have  no  real  piety,  I  would  not 
take  on  myself  to  say.  Some  one  or  another  of  them 
does  possibly  pray  in  a  way  that  is  more  or  less  accept- 
able to  God.  But  take  them  as  a  class,  they  betray,  for 
the  most  part,  a  fund  of  spiritual   pride.     They   mind 

*  Kesslei".  ,  , 

t  T.  F.  Harrington,   Ernestina  Hohman  and  James  Ashton   were 

also  superb  organists.     Old  Michael  was  at  the  same  time  an  iricom- 

paiable  violinist. 


"  SKi>'Moys.''  97 

every  one's  else  spiritual  business  much  more  thun  they 
do  their  own.  lieligion  and  its  adjuncts  are  to  them 
something  to  talk  a  great  deal  about ;  and  O,  what  incal- 
culable miscliief  the}'  accomplish!  ^^  J^y  their  frinfs  ye 
shall  know  them  ;  do  men  gather  grapes  of  thorns,  or 
figs  of  thistles?"  Those  who,  under  ever  so  pious  a 
guise,  do  in  reahty  the  work  of  the  devil,  must  be  ac- 
counted his  children,  Avho  was  "a  liar  from  the  begin- 
ning." The  class  of  bus}-body  "  pious"  people  to  whom 
I  allude  are,  I  believe,  one  of  the  curses  of  almost  every 
church  in  New  York.  They  w^ould  die  if  there  was  never 
any  news. 

•'  Sermons." 
What  is  a  sermon  ?  Must  it  be  just  so  long  or  just  so 
short?  One  point,  to  my  mind,  is  of  more  consequence 
than  all.  Your  audience  should  be  more  enlightened 
and  better  instructed  at  the  end  of  your  discourse,  than 
they  were  at  the  beginning.  Their  mind  should  1)e  in- 
structed, their  conscience  enlightened,  their  faith  strength- 
ened. They  should  know  more,  going  out  of  the  church, 
than  they  knew  when  they  came  in.  Of  how  many  ser- 
mons can  this  be  said,  that  yoiu-  audience  are  aware  of 
anj'thing  that  they  were  not  aware  of  before,  as  well  as 
3'onrself  ?  What  a  mine  of  instruction  lies  buried  in 
such  okl  Latin  books  iMi  "  Hortus  Pastorum,''^  "  Lohner^s 
BihliothecaCondonatorki,^''  ''  Houdry,''^*  Ludolph  of  Sax- 
ony's ''Vila  C/n-isli,^'  and  a  hundred  others!  How  the 
Catholic  faithful  would  be  delighted  were  those  mines 

*  Do  not  pronounce  him  "How  dry,"  for  he  is  just  the  reverse. 

7 


98  Centennial  Skyeockrts. 

of  the  trutli  developed,  opened  to  them,  even  for  u  few 
luinutes  ;it  u  time  !  People  do  not  Jtnoif  enough.  Even 
the  triiUi  suffers  either  from  being  exaggerated,  or  phieed 
in  a  false  position,  or  being  viewed  in  a  false  light.  The 
worst  feature  of  beresy  is,  that  it  is  generally  a  quantum 
of  trnlh  adulterated  with  a  h(';i[)  of  error  and  falseliood. 
AVe  have  not  only  to  propound  the  truth,  but  to  present 
the  ti'utb  itself  in  its  true  iiglit.  8t.  Gregory  tbe  Great, 
in  his  famous  ''  De  cura  padoralL''  has  well  shown  that 
dillerent  elasses  of  auditors  are  to  be  admonished  in  a 
different  style,  .suited  to  their  various  different  circum- 
stances, trials  and  temptations.  And  here,  before  I  con- 
clud( ,  one  more  word.  How  seldom  is  Our  Blessed  Lady 
mentioned  !  How  mucli  more  seldom  one  word  about 
St.  Joseph,  even  on  his  own  festivals  I"^ 

The  AA^ork  of  Conversion. 

The  Catholic  Church,  to  be  consistent  with  herself, 
must  proselytize.  Such  momentous  truths  as  she  is  made 
the  depositary  of,  cannot  lie  dormant.  You  answer,  yes, 
certain  bands  of  missionaries  go  about  giving  "  missions.''^ 
It  appears  to  me  that  they  go  about,  preaching  the  faith  to 
those  who  have  already  got  it,  and  who  do  not  stand  in  such 

*  An  ecclesiastic,  who  was  suddenly  called  on  to  officiate  in  pres- 
ence of  Cai'dinal  M ,  informed  him,  by  way  of  excuse  for  the  im- 
perfection of  his  discourse,  that  not  having-  had  time  for  pi-ejiiaration, 
he  had  heen  oblig-ed  to  rely  entirely  on  the  aid  of  the  Holy  Spirit, 
but  that  next  time  he  had  the  honor  to  pi-each  before  his  eminence, 
he  hoped  to  be  able,  by  more  careful  preparation,  to  acquit  himself" 
better. —  Weekly  imper. 


The  Fine  Ale.  99 

vital  iieecl  of  llieir  lal)oi-s  as  thousands  and  tens  of  thou- 
sands who  are  living  and  dying  in  inlidelity,  and  groping 
al)()ut  in  the  dark  to  tind  the  truth.  They  go  Avhere  it 
is  lucrative,  and  preach  the  faith,  for  the  most  part,  to  the 
faithful,  and  even  at  I  hat  the  boohy  door-tenders  now 
and  then  exclude  the  very  poor,  or,  perchance,  some  one 
wh  >  wants  to  save  his  soul  does  not  belong  to  the  parisJi. 
Our  Lord  made  it  one  of  the  nnirks  of  His  Church,  "  TJie 
poor  have  the  goi^pel preached  to  them.''''  In  view  of  these 
facts,  my  only  consolation  s  in  the  charitable  l)elief  that 
souls  known  only  to  God,  and  whose  name  is  legion, 
address  themselves  earnestly  to  God  and  the  Blessed 
Virgin  in  behalf  of  the  millions  of  poor  souls  destitute  of 
spiritual  succor  in  their  dire  extremity,  that  moment  on 
which  eternity  dep(^ids.* 


The  Fixe  Ale. 

Glad  to  hear  that  word  !  you  exclrdm  ;  that  we  are  at 
last  2:oino-  to  have  the  "  line  ale'" — not  what  Dr.  Nellio-an 
facetiously  called  the  "Irish  supplement  to  the  Roman 
breviary,"  but  the  last  brick  of  this  first  volume  of  the 
''  l)rick-bat''  series.  Being  only  an  "  attenuation,"  it  will 
not  l)e  f(mnd  too  heavy  f.ir  any  one  to  carry.  Several 
have  been  ^' set  down,^'  in  order  that  .the  reader  may  ])e 
able  to  ^'- carry  one''^  according  to  the  ancient  rules  of 

*  Bishop  Cheveriis  of  Boston,  afterwards  made  Cardinal  Arch- 
l>ishoii  of  Bordeaux,  iised  to  i-eceive  invitations  from  different  Prot- 
estant congregations  in  Massacliusetts  to  occupy  their  pulpits,  and 
he  frequently  accented  the  invitation. 


100  Uentexnial  Skybockets. 

arithmetic.  We  hope  they  are  all  comfortably  seated. 
Have  I  unfortunately  made  anybody  restless?  Does  he 
ask  uneasily,  ''  Wliat  next  ?"  Will  the  succeeding  vol- 
ume l)e  an  iron-clad  ?  Whoever  you  chance  to  be,  let 
the  Jiiie  ale,  wliicii  I  now  otleryou,  pnt  all  such  disquiet- 
ing- reflections,  for  the  time  being,  ont  of  your  head. 
You  have  patiently  perused  this  one.  Whether  you  are  an 
M.D.  or  not,  I  advise  you  never  to  be  without  patience. 
Yonr  patient  p^'iusal  deserves  a  reward.  Having  no 
chronio  at  hand,  or  other  premium,  I  offer  you  the 
'-fine  uky  Biing  sui  generis..  I  have  produced  a  work 
in  keeping  ; — like  myself  a) id  nobody  else.  I  have  done 
more.  I  have  discovered  what  i\Irs.  Partington  Avould 
have  called  ni}'  -'jocnlar  vein.'^  In  this  sense,  and  this 
only,  has.  I  trust,  the  work  been  siiicddal. 

My  motto,  as  much  as  that  of  tho>e  who  inscribe  it  on 
their  banners,  is  A.  M.  D.  G.  If  I  have  either  edified 
or  amused  you,  it  has  l)een  Ad  JMajoveru  Dei  Gloriam. 

AVill  I  have  raised  a  crop  of  unkind  critics,  every 
mother's  son  of  them  incurring  my  animadversion,  a.  la 
Charles  Lamb.*  who  could  "lick"  a  score  of  them, 
"  tJie  more  I  think  of  J  lira  the  less  I  think  of  him.'" -j 

Here  ends  the  first  volume  of  my  "brick-bat"  series. 
Till  next  we  meet.  Valeie. 

*  Latin,  Lambo,  "  to  lick." 

t  Lamb's  Sonnet,  entitled  The  Gipsijs  Malison,  was  returned  to 
him  by  the  editors  of  the  magazines.  In  a  letter  to  a  fi-iend,  he  told 
him  of  the  failure,  and  added  humorously,  "Hang-  the  ag-e  !  I'll 
write  for  posterity." 


'What  Next?"  as  the  Frog  said  when  his  tail  fell  off. 


APPENDIX. 


COFY    OF    CIRCULAR.. 

"  Festina  Lente." 

New  York,  May  2(jth,  1875. 
Dear  Sir  : 

The  undersigned  has  in  course  of  preparation,  shortly  to  be  issued, 
a  work  partaking  of  the  character  of  an  autobiograpli}^  embracing 
1113'  relations  with  various  persons  and  officials  for  a  period  of  up 
wards  of  twenty-three  years.  Should  anything  of  importance  occur 
to  you  regarding  our  own  past  mutual  relations,  you  will  oblige  me 
by  communicating  the  same  at  your  earliest  convenience,  as  I  am 
desirous  of  presenting  only  an  accurate  statement  of  facts,  leaving 
the  reasonable  deductions  therefrom  to  be  drawn  at  leisure.  And  as 
my  present  position  is  one  of  pecuniary  embarrassment,  I  shall  re- 
ceive with  pleasure  either  I'emittances  for  the  undertaking,  or  sub- 
scriptions for  a  designated  number  of  copies  of  the  work. 
I  remain,  with  sincere  regard, 

Yours  truly,  etc. 


The  author  is  in  possession  of  the  following,  in  the  handwriting 
of  Father  Muppiatti.  It  was  presented  to  me  by  Mrs.  Donaldson, 
one  of  his  oldest  penitents,  who  treasured  it  as  a  great  relic.  Here 
it  is : 

"  When  you  have  spiritual  trouble,  or  doubts,  or  you  stand  in 
need  of  a  counsel  in  your  particular  business,  go  to  your  room,  kneel 


102  Centknsia  l  Sk  yr  o  ckk  t.>. 

down,  and  in  the  presence  of  an  image  of  ihe  Bkssed  Virgin  Mai y, 
ask  advice  from  her  with  great  conlidence,  because  she  is  uui'  dear 
mother,  she  is  our  counsellor,  is  the  best  fi-iend  that  we  have.  After 
that,  resolve  according  to  that  you  feel  in  your  mind,  in  your  heart, 
always  according  to  justice.     (1  minute  or  2.)" 

"  As  often  as  j'ou  go  out,  as  often  as  you  go  back  to  jour  house, 
go  to  your  room,  kneel  down,  and  ask  the  blessing  of  the  Blessed  V. 
Mary  ;  you  aie  almost  certain  that  you  will  not  commit  sins  ;  how- 
evef,  you  will  have  tlie  assistance  of  the  Blessed  V.  Mary.  (1  min- 
ute or  less.)" 

"That  was  the  conduct  of  many  saints."* 


Celibacy  (Page  61). 

Pope  Alexander  YII.,  asking  the  celebrated  Greek,  Leo  Allatius, 
why  he  did  not  enter  into  orders.'  he  answered  :  "  Because  T  desire 
to  have  it  in  my  power  to  marry  if  I  choose."  The  Pope  adding, 
"  And  wh)'  do  you  not  marrj^  ?  "  Leo  replied,  "  Because  I  desire  to 
have  it  in  my  power  to  enter  into  orders  if  I  choose." 


IxvocATiox  TO  St.  Michael,  Alluded  to  in"  this  WoRK.f 

GLORIOUS  ARCHANGEL  ST.  MICHAEL,  defend  us,  pray  for 
us,  fight  for  us,  conquer  for  us.  Who  is  like  God  ?  or  who  is  like 
St.  Michael  to  do  His  battles?  Prince  of  the  heavenly  host,  come 
to  our  help.  Queen  of  Angels,  Mary  Immaculate,  send  St.  Michael 
to  help  us  now  and  when  we  die. 

*  I  have  copied,  verbatim  et  litej^atim,  the  broken  English  ofF.  JIappintti  from 
the  old  piece  of  paper  I  have. 

t  Printed  for  Rev.  Tixcs  Joslix,  Church  of  St.  Michael  tlie  Archangel, 
New  York,  1861. 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA,  LOS  ANGELES 
THE  UNIVERSITY  LIBRARY 

This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below 


Form  L-9 

2r.m -2. '43(5205) 


AT 
LOS  ANGELES 


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PK 
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J78c 
1875 


